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| Author | Vanoord's a Joke |
JohnnearCfon Joined: 22/12/2005 Location: Sir Caernarfon View Profile View Posts View Personal Album View Personal Files View all Photos Send Private Message |
Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 27/06/2009 20:48:17 Reply | Quote As a tribute to Michael.... I'll be keeping his unique look alive by strapping a shovel to my chin and replacing my nose with a marshmallow. I'll be using those eyelash implants and white flour to achieve those FABULOUS skin tones which gave Michael such a natural look! -- Cadwch Cymru'n daclus-Taflwch eich ysbwriel yn LLoeger IP: 84.13.16.11 |
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JohnnearCfon Joined: 22/12/2005 Location: Sir Caernarfon View Profile View Posts View Personal Album View Personal Files View all Photos Send Private Message |
Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 14/07/2009 20:22:03 Reply | Quote I am just recovering from a heavy cold. I did wonder if its was swine flu as I felt piggin' awful. Phoned NHS 24 but just got crackling on the line. Went to the doctor and he apologised for the state of his office as it was like a pigstye. He told me to trotter in and gave me some oinkment. Now I have to lie in the mud, but its too hot I may feel like I am bakin' (bacon....get it?!) -- Cadwch Cymru'n daclus-Taflwch eich ysbwriel yn LLoeger IP: 89.242.32.190 |
ICLOK Joined: 19/02/2008 Location: Ripley, Derbyshire up North. View Profile View Posts View Personal Album View Personal Files View all Photos Send Private Message |
Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 14/07/2009 23:35:14 Reply | Quote John that was (get ready for it)....  Piggin Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeak.....  -- Never get out of the boat. Absolutely goddamn right. Unless you were goin' all the way.. IP: 78.150.53.52 |
Lister Joined: 07/10/2007 Location: Helsby, Cheshire View Profile View Posts View Personal Album View Personal Files View all Photos Send Private Message |
Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 15/07/2009 00:24:49 Reply | Quote Michael Jackson's favorite song used to be 'ABC' until he found out it stood for Airway, Breathing, Circulation!! ...Lister;~) 
IP: 86.1.7.76
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AR Joined: 07/11/2007 Location: Knot far from Knotlow in the middle of the Peak District View Profile View Posts View Personal Album View Personal Files View all Photos Send Private Message |
Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 15/07/2009 13:37:45 Reply | Quote At last Gordon Brown decided to throw the towel in and resign. His cabinet colleagues decided it would be a worthy gesture to name a railway locomotive after him. So a senior civil servant went from Whitehall to the National Railway Museum at York , to investigate the possibilities. "We have a number of locomotives at the NRM without names" the Director told the top civil servant. "Mostly freight locomotives though." "Oh dear, that's not very fitting for a prime minister" said the civil servant. "How about that big green one, over there?" he said, pointing to number 4472. "That's already got a name" said the director. "It's called 'Flying Scotsman'." "Oh. Couldn't it be renamed?" asked the civil servant. "This is a national museum after all, funded by the taxpayer." "I suppose it might be considered," said the director. "After all, the LNER renamed a number of their locomotives after directors of the company, and even renamed one of them Dwight D Eisenhower." "That's excellent", said the civil servant, "So that's settled then .. let's look at renaming 4472. But how much will it cost? We can't spend too much, given the expenses scandal!" Well, said the director, "We could always just paint out the 'F'."  -- I think I'll have the sheep first, then I'll have the abbot IP: 194.159.145.70 |
Roy Morton Joined: 09/10/2007 Location: Redruth Cornwall View Profile View Posts View Personal Album View Personal Files View all Photos Send Private Message |
Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 15/07/2009 15:57:39 Reply | Quote Now that's my kind of humour!!!  -- 'Bid me discourse, I will enchant thine ear' IP: 81.153.210.132 |
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ICLOK Joined: 19/02/2008 Location: Ripley, Derbyshire up North. View Profile View Posts View Personal Album View Personal Files View all Photos Send Private Message |
Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 15/07/2009 16:29:28 Reply | Quote Yep thanks... that hit the spot... forwarded to several railway people who all gave it 10 out of 10 -- Never get out of the boat. Absolutely goddamn right. Unless you were goin' all the way.. IP: 78.150.37.113 |
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JohnnearCfon Joined: 22/12/2005 Location: Sir Caernarfon View Profile View Posts View Personal Album View Personal Files View all Photos Send Private Message |
Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 23/07/2009 13:02:30 Reply | Quote HOLY SOAP Two priests are off to the showers late one night They undress and jump into the showers before they realize there is no soap. Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress. He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand, and heads back to the showers. He is halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way. Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall an freezes like he's a statue. The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks. The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood. Startled he drops a bar of soap, look says the first nun, it's a soap dispenser. To test her theory the second nun also pulls on his manhood. Sure enough, he drops the second bar of soap. Now the third nun decides to have a go. She pulls once, then twice and three times but nothing happens. So she gives several tugs, then yells "Holy Mary, Mother of God! Hand lotion too! -- Cadwch Cymru'n daclus-Taflwch eich ysbwriel yn LLoeger IP: 84.13.21.154 |
SimonRL Joined: 27/11/2005 Location: North Wales View Profile View Posts View Personal Album View Personal Files View all Photos Send Private Message |
Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 12/08/2009 11:56:48 Reply | Quote A lorry load of tortoises has crashed into a lorry load of terrapins... . . . . . . . . . . It's a turtle disaster... IP: 83.148.135.213 Edited: 12/08/2009 11:57:21 by SimonRL |
Captain Scarlet Joined: 07/03/2007 Location: The Cumbrian Underground View Profile View Posts View Personal Album View Personal Files View all Photos Send Private Message |
Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 26/08/2009 11:07:24 Reply | Quote A man goes in to Tesco for a sandwich one day to find his wife with another man walking around doing some shopping. He leaves and goes back to work enraged at what he saw. He decides not confront his wife but to keep going back to Tesco to see if this is a regular thing. To his dismay he finds that it is, and that it happens every Friday lunchtime. The man keeps quiet for a couple of months going to Tesco every Friday lunchtime in order to follow the unknown man and his wife around the shop. The man can take no more and begins drinking in his local every chance he gets. One evening he is telling a man at the bar about his dilemma and asks him what he should do. The man replies that he knows someone who would do them both over and will arrange a meeting if he wants. A meeting is arranged for the following evening in the pub. The man is introduced to a huge bloke called Arti. He tells him the story and Arti says that he will do them over together in Tesco. The man asks about a fee and Arti tells him that he loves to kill people and will accept a token fee of a pound. The deal is done and the place is set to Tesco on Friday lunchtime. Arti awaits their arrival and follows them around the shop for a while and then pounces on them, strangling them both with his bare hands. As Arti runs out of the shop two security guards tackle him to the ground and wait for the police. He is caught and tried for murder and found guilty. The headline in the paper the next day read: ARTI CHOKES TWO FOR A POUND AT TESCO -- You die, we split your kit - You don't die, we split your kit anyway! IP: 195.8.188.42 |
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Captain Scarlet Joined: 07/03/2007 Location: The Cumbrian Underground View Profile View Posts View Personal Album View Personal Files View all Photos Send Private Message |
Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 26/08/2009 15:14:38 Reply | Quote Patrick walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the corner of the room, drinking a sip out of each pint in turn. When he had finished all three, he went back to the bar and ordered three more. The barman says, "You know a pint goes flat soon after I pull it ... your pint would taste better if you bought one at a time." Patrick replies, "Well now, I have two brodders, one is in America and de odder in Australia and here I am in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised dat we'd drink dis way to remember de days we all drank togedder." The barman admits that this is a nice custom and says no more. Patrick becomes a regular customer and always drinks the same way ... ordering three pints and drinking a sip out of each in turn, until they are finished. One day, he comes in and orders just two pints. All the other regulars in the bar notice and fall silent. When he goes back to the bar for the second round, the barman says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss." Patrick looks confused for a moment, then the penny drops and he starts to laugh, "Oh no," he says, "Bejesus, everyone is fine! Tis me ... I've quit drinking!" -- You die, we split your kit - You don't die, we split your kit anyway! IP: 195.8.188.42 |
Vanoord Joined: 28/11/2005 Location: North Wales View Profile View Posts View Personal Album View Personal Files View all Photos Send Private Message |
Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 26/08/2009 18:12:03 Reply | Quote The terrorism threat has dropped significantly since Susan Boyle appeared on 'Britain's Got Talent'. Apparently they didn't realise what a virgin looked like... -- Filling space until a new signature comes along... IP: 81.130.81.119 |
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Captain Scarlet Joined: 07/03/2007 Location: The Cumbrian Underground View Profile View Posts View Personal Album View Personal Files View all Photos Send Private Message |
Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 27/08/2009 08:07:42 Reply | Quote THE BROTHEL The madam opened the brothel door in Glasgow and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties. "May I help you sir?" she asked. "I want to see Valerie," the man replied. "Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else", said the madam. "No, I must see Valerie," he replied. Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged £5000 a visit.. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand pounds and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left... The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie... Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row, as she was so expensive. There were no discounts. The price was still £5000. Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left. The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs. After their session, Valerie said to the man, "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?" The man replied, " Edinburgh ." "Really", she said. "I have family in Edinburgh .." "I know." the man said. "Your sister died, and I'm her solicitor. I was instructed to deliver your £15,000 inheritance in person." The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain: 1. Death 2. Taxes 3. Being screwed by a lawyer -- You die, we split your kit - You don't die, we split your kit anyway! IP: 195.8.188.42 |
hymac580c Joined: 28/05/2007 Location: Blaenau Ffestiniog View Profile View Posts View Personal Album View Personal Files View all Photos Send Private Message |
Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 28/08/2009 09:48:00 Reply | Quote From The London Times: A Well-Planned Retirement Outside England's Bristol Zoo there is a parking lot for 150 cars and 8 buses. For 25 years, its' parking fees were managed by a very pleasant attendant. The fees were £1 for cars ($1.40), £5 for busses (about $7). Then, after working for 25 years and never missing a day of work, he just didn't show up; so the Zoo Management called the City Council and asked it to send them another parking agent. The Council did some research and replied that the parking lot was the Zoo's own responsibility. The Zoo advised the Council that the attendant was a City employee. The City Council responded that the lot attendant had never been on the City payroll. Meanwhile, sitting in his villa on the coast of Spain (or some such scenario), is a man who'd apparently had a ticket machine installed completely on his own; and then had simply begun to show up every day, commencing to collect and keep the parking fees, estimated at about $560 per day -- for 25 years. Assuming 7 days a week, this amounts to just over $7 million dollars! .... And no one even knows his name. IP: 195.93.21.33 |
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Captain Scarlet Joined: 07/03/2007 Location: The Cumbrian Underground View Profile View Posts View Personal Album View Personal Files View all Photos Send Private Message |
Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 03/09/2009 15:38:36 Reply | Quote A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. They never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was farting because they don't smell and are silent." The doctor says, "I see, take these pills and come back to see me next week." The next week the lady goes back. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the hell you gave me, but now my farts... although still silent... stink terribly." "Good!" the doctor says, "Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing." -- You die, we split your kit - You don't die, we split your kit anyway! IP: 195.8.188.42 |
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Vanoord Joined: 28/11/2005 Location: North Wales View Profile View Posts View Personal Album View Personal Files View all Photos Send Private Message |
Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 14/09/2009 12:47:41 Reply | Quote A number of bartenders were asked if they could predict a person's personality based on drink they ordered. Their answers were very consistent: Female Drinks She orders: Beer Meaning: Casual, low-maintenance, down to earth. Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool. She orders: Blender Drinks Meaning: Whiny, annoying, high maintenance. Approach: Avoid her unless you want to be her cabin boy. She orders: Mixed Drinks Meaning: Older, more refined, very picky; knows exactly what she wants. Approach: You won't have to approach her. If she is interested, she'll send you a drink. She orders: Wine (other than Blue Nun) Meaning: Conservative and classy. Sophisticated, yet giggles. Approach: Tell her you love to travel and spend quiet evenings with friends. She orders: Blue Nunl Meaning: Easy. Thinks she is classy and sophisticated. Actually clueless. Approach: Make her feel smarter than she is. This should be an easy. She orders: Shots Meaning: Likes to get totally drunk... and naked. Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. You have been blessed this evening. Nothing to do but wait. Male Drinks He orders: Beer Meaning: He's poor and wants to get laid. He orders: Imported Beer Meaning: He likes good beer, isn't poor, and wants to get laid. He orders: Wine Meaning: He's hoping that drinking wine will make him look sophisticated and help him get laid. He orders: Whiskey Meaning: He doesn't care about anything but getting laid. He orders: Cider Meaning: He's thinking the toothless waitress looks good. He orders: Vodka and mixer Meaning: He's gay. -- Filling space until a new signature comes along... IP: 81.130.122.150 |
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Vanoord Joined: 28/11/2005 Location: North Wales View Profile View Posts View Personal Album View Personal Files View all Photos Send Private Message |
Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 18/09/2009 11:58:36 Reply | Quote Mr Duck is entertaining a prostitute in his hotel room, when he realises he doesn't have any protection. He phones down to reception and asks for a condom. "Certainly, Sir", comes a reply, "Shall I put that on your bill?" "No!" replied the duck, "What do you think I am, some sort of pervert?" -- Filling space until a new signature comes along... IP: 81.130.122.150 |
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Vanoord Joined: 28/11/2005 Location: North Wales View Profile View Posts View Personal Album View Personal Files View all Photos Send Private Message |
Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 20/09/2009 19:07:21 Reply | Quote Kayne West (who he?) has commented on AditNow: [web link] -- Filling space until a new signature comes along... IP: 86.132.231.218 |
rhychydwr Joined: 09/06/2007 Location: Cwmparc, Rhondda, South Wales, UK. View Profile View Posts View Personal Album View Personal Files View all Photos Send Private Message |
Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 20/09/2009 20:24:54 Reply | Quote How do I get this ****** off my screen? -- Cutting coal in my spare time. IP: 78.146.83.128 |
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Vanoord Joined: 28/11/2005 Location: North Wales View Profile View Posts View Personal Album View Personal Files View all Photos Send Private Message |
Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 20/09/2009 20:28:53 Reply | Quote Just type the website address as normal! [web link]  -- Filling space until a new signature comes along... IP: 83.148.135.213 Edited: 20/09/2009 22:47:59 by (moderator) |
