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Author Vanoord's a Joke
Monty Stubble

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Joined: 03/04/2008
Location: , Location, Location

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 01/06/2008 11:25:13
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"Mummy, Mummy there's a man at the door with a bill!"

"Don't be silly dear, it's a duck in a hat."
IP: 82.31.37.80
Vanoord

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Joined: 28/11/2005
Location: North Wales

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 03/06/2008 15:27:10
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THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionalistically
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Transubstantiate

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. No thanks, I'm married.
2. Nope, no more booze for me!
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Kebab? No thanks, I'm not hungry.
5. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
6. I'm not interested in fighting you.
7. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool!
8. Where are the nearest toilets? I refuse to pee in this car park or on the side of the road.
9. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning.

--

Filling space until a new signature comes along...
IP: 81.139.133.42
Vanoord

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Location: North Wales

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 09/06/2008 16:45:04
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Helpdesk: What kind of computer do you have?
Female customer: A white one...
******
Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.
Helpdesk: Have you tried pushing the button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Helpdesk: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note ..."
Customer: No ... wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... Sorry....
******
Helpdesk: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?
*****
Helpdesk: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Helpdesk: Would you click on Start for me and...
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates d#&* it!
******
Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says it can't find it...
******
Customer: I have problems printing in red...
Helpdesk: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: Aaaah....................Thank you.
******
Helpdesk: What's on your monitor now ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me in the supermarket.
******
Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Helpdesk: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Helpdesk: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer: Okay.
Helpdesk: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes.
Helpdesk: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work!
******
Helpdesk: Your password is the small letter a as in apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, and the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?
******
A customer couldn't get on the Internet.
Helpdesk: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Helpdesk: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.
******
Helpdesk: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Helpdesk: That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.
******
Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has put a screensaver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears!
******
Helpdesk: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Helpdesk: OK, and, what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?
*****
HelpDesk: My I help you.
Customer: I can't move the cursor to the right.
HelpDesk: Are you moving your mouse?
Customer: Yes, but it's on the right side of the mouse pad and won't go any farther . .

--

Filling space until a new signature comes along...
IP: 81.139.133.42
Vanoord

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Location: North Wales

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 12/06/2008 09:28:44
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An Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, 'What is this, Father?'
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life… I don't know what it is'

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat, old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The wall s opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room.

The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out.

The father said quietly to his son....." Go get your mother"

--

Filling space until a new signature comes along...
IP: 81.139.133.42
JohnnearCfon

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Joined: 22/12/2005
Location: Sir Caernarfon

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 19/06/2008 20:21:50
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This is amusing

[web link]

Oops

--

Cadwch Cymru'n daclus-Taflwch eich ysbwriel yn LLoeger
IP: 78.144.55.88
hymac580c

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Joined: 28/05/2007
Location: Blaenau Ffestiniog

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 19/06/2008 20:51:13
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If you forget your helmet on an underground trip, one can always do this -

http://www.aditnow.co.uk/photo/Personal-Album-106-Image-056/

Big Grin

--

By the time you realise your father was right, you will have a son or daughter that will tell you that you are wrong.
IP: 92.16.116.28
stevem

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Location: Wirral

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 20/06/2008 15:09:33
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> Computer Dependency Test
>
>
>> Computer Dependency Test
>> Here's a quick test for you to take. This just proves
>> that we have become way too dependent on our
>> computers.
>>
>> Q: Are you male or female?
>>
>> To find out the answer, look down...
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> ..
>> ..
>> ..
>> ..
>> ..
>> ..
>> ..
>> ..
>> ..
>> ..
>> ..
>> ..
>> ..
>> ..
>> ..
>> ..
>> ..
>> ..
>> ..
>> ..
>> ..
>> ..
>> ..
>> ..
>> ..
>> Look down, not scroll down!
IP: 192.171.196.149
Captain Scarlet

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Joined: 07/03/2007
Location: The Cumbrian Underground

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 23/06/2008 15:02:49
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Dave came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking

drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was

already asleep.



He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke, he

found a strange man standing at the end of his bed. 'Who the hell are

you?', demanded Dave, 'and what are you doing in my bedroom ?'



The mysterious man answered, 'This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter.'



Dave was stunned. 'You mean I'm dead !!! That can't be, I have so much

to live for - and I haven't said goodbye to my family. . . You've got

to send me back straight away.'



St Peter replied, 'Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch.

We can only send you back as a dog or a hen.'



Dave was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his

house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.



A flash of light later, he was covered in feathers and clucking

around, pecking the ground.



'This ain't so bad', he thought until he felt this strange feeling

welling up inside him. The farmyard rooster strolled over and said,

'So you're the new hen, How are you enjoying your first day here ?'



'It's not so bad', replies Dave, 'but I have this strange feeling

inside like I'm about to explode.'



'You're ovulating', explained the rooster. 'Don't tell me you've never

laid an egg before.'



'Never', replies Dave.



'Well just relax and let it happen'.



And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops

out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him

and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood

for the first time.



When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming

and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that

ever happened to him . . . Ever!!!



The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg, he

felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife

shouting...



'Dave, wake up, you drunken b*****d. You've s**t the bed !!'


--

Recedite, plebes! Gero rem imperialem
IP: 195.8.188.42
carnkie

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Joined: 07/09/2007
Location: camborne, cornwall

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 23/06/2008 16:06:56
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An Irishman came home early from work one evening and catches his wife in bed with best friend. He immediately pulls a gun and holds it to his head. Seeing this his wife rolls about laughing. He says, “I don’t know what you find so funny, your next”. IP: 88.105.138.28
Captain Scarlet

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 24/06/2008 11:39:52
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'Next Life' by Woody Allen

In my next life I want to live my life backwards. You start out dead and get that out of the way. Then you wake up in an old people's home feeling better every day. You get kicked out for being too healthy, go collect your pension, and then when you start work, you get a gold watch and a party on your first day. You work for 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You party, drink alcohol, and are generally promiscuous, then you are ready for high school. You then go to primary school, you become a kid, you play. You have no responsibilities, you become a baby until you are born. And then you spend your last 9 months floating in luxurious spa-like conditions with central heating and room service on tap, larger quarters every day and then, Voila! You finish off as an orgasm!


--

Recedite, plebes! Gero rem imperialem
IP: 195.8.188.42
grahami

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 24/06/2008 12:15:21
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I like this one from Computer Weekly:

From the Adobe Updater: "The Adobe Updater must update itself before it can check for updates. Would you like to update the Adobe Updater now?"

Grahami

--

The map is the territory - especially in chain scale.
IP: 212.219.117.101 Edited: 24/06/2008 12:16:11 by grahami
markc

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Location: Atherstone, Warwickshire

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 02/07/2008 16:18:06
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SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING, BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS. Roll Eyes IP: 86.20.127.202
markc

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 12/07/2008 09:31:04
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Who says rail services have not improved?



">http://www.aditnow.co.uk/showimage/Personal-Album-776-Image-001/?w=677Shocked
IP: 86.20.127.202
markc

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 12/07/2008 09:34:24
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That didn't work did it!
I'll try again!
IP: 86.20.127.202 Edited: 12/07/2008 09:36:40 by markc
markc

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 12/07/2008 09:35:42
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Try this:



All enquiries to the ticket office!

Oh My God
IP: 86.20.127.202 Edited: 12/07/2008 09:40:21 by markc
Mr.C

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 13/07/2008 00:27:41
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markc wrote:

Try this:



All enquiries to the ticket office!

Oh My God

Hmm, have to pick wifes sister up from here at in Oct. I had considered this a mission without risk - now I not so sure!!!

--

If things dunner change - the'll stop as the' are.
IP: 91.110.121.150
Roy Morton

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Location: Redruth Cornwall

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 13/07/2008 01:03:01
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Any Chance of season tickets? Roll Eyes

--

'Bid me discourse, I will enchant thine ear'
IP: 88.104.190.94
JohnnearCfon

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 13/07/2008 23:13:29
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[web link]

What a silly woman!

--

Cadwch Cymru'n daclus-Taflwch eich ysbwriel yn LLoeger
IP: 78.145.47.149
carnkie

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 21/07/2008 10:25:20
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Bats?



--

The past is a foreign country: they do things differently there.
IP: 88.105.187.245
JohnnearCfon

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 05/08/2008 23:12:33
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Little Old Asian Lady at a Currency Exchange , a little irritated*
Why it Change ..! Yesturday I got Tooo Hunnat Dolla Fo Yen..!
TooDay I get Hunnat Eighty ?
Why.. It change ...?
Cashier..Shrugged n' said " Fluctuations " *
The Little Old Asian Lady replied .. " Fluc You White people , tooo !"




--

Cadwch Cymru'n daclus-Taflwch eich ysbwriel yn LLoeger
IP: 84.13.31.111
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