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Author Vanoord's a Joke
Roy Morton

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Joined: 09/10/2007
Location: Redruth Cornwall

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 12/03/2008 03:48:11
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I've got that one on a casette here somewhere, I think it was called 'affair of the lone banana' If you have digital radiothen tune in to BBC Radio 7 on Monday evenings at 7pm for The Goon Show in all its mad glory. Or alternatively you can get it on line through the BBc website.
Waiter; "Would you like your tea on the verandah sir?
Gritpype Thynne: "Haven't you any cups?" Blink

--

'Bid me discourse and I shall enchant your ear'
IP: 88.104.178.7
Brakeman

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Joined: 10/10/2007
Location: Cheshire

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 13/03/2008 17:28:42
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NEWSFLASH!

Welsh miners upbeat about future prospects......

With copper discovered on Snowdonia! Laugh

--

you'll need a magic wand to fix that
IP: 86.130.116.86
SimonRL

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Joined: 27/11/2005
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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 13/03/2008 17:36:29
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Oh dear! Laugh

--

No sir, this here will do just fine
IP: 83.148.135.213
Roy Morton

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Joined: 09/10/2007
Location: Redruth Cornwall

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 14/03/2008 04:52:14
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Two drunken guys staggering home after a night on the sauce, one bends down and picks up a mirror. Staring into it he says " Here, I'm sure I know this bloke"
His mate takes a look and says, " You silly drunken ****** IT'S ME! Shocked

--

'Bid me discourse and I shall enchant your ear'
IP: 88.104.178.7
Captain Scarlet

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Joined: 07/03/2007
Location: The Cumbrian Underground

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 28/03/2008 10:08:44
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***** the Irishman died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly. So the Morgue
needed someone to identify the body. His two best friends, Seamus and Sean
(also Irishmen), were sent for.

Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Seamus said, "Yup,
he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over". So the mortician rolled him over.

Seamus looked and said, "Nope, it ain't *****". The mortician thought that
was rather strange, but said nothing and asked Sean in to identify the body.

Sean took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over"

The mortician rolled him over and Sean looked down and said, "No, it ain't
*****".

The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"

Sean said, "Well, ***** had two arseholes."

"What, he had two arseholes?!!" said the mortician.

"Yup, everyone knew he had two arseholes. Every time we went into town,
folks would say, "Here comes ***** with them two Arseholes...."

--

Mine exploring can be dangerous, but then again, it can be ok...
IP: 195.8.188.42
ICLOK

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Joined: 19/02/2008
Location: Ripley, Derbyshire up North.

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 28/03/2008 13:47:05
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excellent Laugh

I had just read your joke when two women arrived on my door step asking me what bread I ate. I answered 'White' and they lectured me on my doorstep for an hour regarding the benefits of 'Brown' bread.
Bloody Hovis Winesses Eh! Shocked

They liked fish as well and said I should 'Turn to Cod and become a Prawn Again Crustacean' Big Grin

Oh well!
Confused

--

Release the Kraken...
IP: 89.241.221.133 Edited: 28/03/2008 14:13:32 by ICLOK
Mr.C

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Joined: 23/03/2008
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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 28/03/2008 16:27:47
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ICLOK wrote:

excellent Laugh

I had just read your joke when two women arrived on my door step asking me what bread I ate. I answered 'White' and they lectured me on my doorstep for an hour regarding the benefits of 'Brown' bread.
Bloody Hovis Winesses Eh! Shocked

They liked fish as well and said I should 'Turn to Cod and become a Prawn Again Crustacean' Big Grin

Oh well!
Confused

Did they mention the barnacles whose marriage was on the rocks, 'cause he kept trawling the net for prawn?

--

If things dunner change - the'll stop as the' are.
IP: 91.110.119.26
LAP

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Joined: 04/02/2007
Location: Somewhere between Carnforth/Carn-Ffyrdd, and Milnthorpe.

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 28/03/2008 17:05:07
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Roy Morton wrote:

one of my favourite inane comments from the Goons is, Gritpype Thynne to Moriarty " Here we are starving to death, and all you can think of is food" Crying Big Grin


My favourite episode has to be "The Canal" guest staring Valentine Dyle.
"I am nolonger the man in black, I am not the man in grey..."
"What brought about this change??"
"A very cheap dry-cleaners..."

I also like The Pevensey Bay disaster when McGonnogal (spelt wrong??) is mocked...

"Twas in the year of 1882, when the railway lines at Pevensey bay where buried under the snoww"
"through the night the blizzard themed, did like a lion road. The snow roase from inches three, to inches three foot four..."
"The hastings flyer came rolling down the line, and a passing spectator who saw it pass looked up and said.. fine, fine fine..." (presumably eccles)



--

Esta región en el sur de Cumbria, es un región muy tranquillo y bonito, pero lo mal aqui es que hay más de touristas aqui que en La Región de los Lagos. ¡Yo no entiendo por que!
IP: 84.68.164.167
ICLOK

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Joined: 19/02/2008
Location: Ripley, Derbyshire up North.

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 28/03/2008 19:42:02
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Oh god... pass the cyanide Surrender

--

Release the Kraken...
IP: 89.241.221.133
Roy Morton

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Joined: 09/10/2007
Location: Redruth Cornwall

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 30/03/2008 22:06:56
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SEAGOON; "Thats really clever, you Chinese think of everything"
BLOODNOCK; "But I'm not Chinese!"
SEAGOON; Then you must have forgotten something!"
Confused Big Grin

--

'Bid me discourse, I will enchant thine ear'
IP: 88.104.212.35
JohnnearCfon

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Joined: 22/12/2005
Location: Sir Caernarfon

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 30/03/2008 23:21:58
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Dubya's Fate

One day in the future, George Bush has a heart attack and dies. He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got some folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves".

Bush thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the first room.

In it was Ronald Reagan and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed. Over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell.

"No," George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and don't think I could do that all day long".

The devil led him to the next room. In it was Richard Nixon with a sledge hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.

"No, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented George.

The devil opened a third door. In it, Bush saw Bill Clinton, lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. Bush took this in disbelief and finally said, "Yea, I can handle this".

The devil smiled and said "OK, Monica, you're free to go".



--

Cadwch Cymru'n daclus-Taflwch eich ysbwriel yn LLoeger
IP: 78.145.45.10
Captain Scarlet

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 31/03/2008 08:20:41
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Confession is good for the soul and.....

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Montecassino went to the local church for confession.

When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said, 'Father ... during World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighbourhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic.'

The priest replied, 'That was a wonderful thing you did, my son! And you have no need to confess that.'

'There is more to tell, Father. She started to repay me with sexual favours. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays.'

The priest said, 'By doing that, you placed yourselves in great danger. However, two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven.'

'Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. But I do have one more question.'

'And what is that, my son?' asked the priest.

'Should I tell her the war is over?'




--

Mine exploring can be dangerous, but then again, it can be ok...
IP: 195.8.188.42
Captain Scarlet

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 01/04/2008 14:22:10
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Mick was in court for a double murder and the judge said, "You are charged
with beating your wife to death with a spanner."

A voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You b*****d!"

The judge continued, "You are also charged with beating your daughter to
death with a spanner."

Again the voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You F*****g
b*****d!!!"

The judge stopped, looked at the man in the back of the court room, and
said, "*****, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime, but
I will not have any more of these outbursts from you or I shall charge you
with contempt! Now what is the problem?"

*****, at the back of the court stood up and responded, "For fifteen years
I've lived next door to that b****d and every time I asked to borrow a
f*****g spanner, he said he didn't have one!"


--

Mine exploring can be dangerous, but then again, it can be ok...
IP: 195.8.188.42
JohnnearCfon

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Joined: 22/12/2005
Location: Sir Caernarfon

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 01/04/2008 14:26:41
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Q = what do you call a lesbian dinosaur

A = lickalotapuss

--

Cadwch Cymru'n daclus-Taflwch eich ysbwriel yn LLoeger
IP: 89.241.218.12
JohnnearCfon

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 01/04/2008 14:28:01
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How does a Mexican know he's hungry?

His arse stops itching!

--

Cadwch Cymru'n daclus-Taflwch eich ysbwriel yn LLoeger
IP: 89.241.218.12
JohnnearCfon

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 01/04/2008 14:29:44
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what do you call a man with a
???????? (insert )
on his head

- rabbit - warren
- spade - doug
- no spade - douglas
- plank - edward
- 2 planks - edward woodward

--

Cadwch Cymru'n daclus-Taflwch eich ysbwriel yn LLoeger
IP: 89.241.218.12
SimonRL

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 01/04/2008 14:31:27
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JohnnearCfon wrote:

what do you call a man with a
???????? (insert )


Or indeed...

A woman who can balance 10 pints on each arm = Beartrix

A woman who burns all her credit card statements = Bernadette

Sorry Blush

--

No sir, this here will do just fine
IP: 83.148.135.213
JohnnearCfon

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 01/04/2008 14:39:09
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A Man in hospital ... wearing an Oxygen mask !
" NURSE ! " . " Nurse " He mumbles " Are My testicles Black ! " ?
The Nurse raises His gown, & with His Manhood in One hand & His testicals' in the other hand !. . . She takes a close look , and after a short time says' " Thers Nothing Wrong with them Sir ... " !
The Man pulls off His Oxygen mask . ! and smiles at Her ! and says " Thank's for that, It was wonderful * but, LISTEN VERY CAREFULLY *
...... ARE MY TEST - RESULTS BACK ? .......

--

Cadwch Cymru'n daclus-Taflwch eich ysbwriel yn LLoeger
IP: 89.241.218.12
Vanoord

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 01/04/2008 16:16:13
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Actual call centre conversations !!!!!

Customer: 'I've been ringing 0800 2100 for two days and can't get through to enquiries, can you help?'.
Operator: 'Where did you get that number from, sir?'.
Customer: 'It was on the door to the Travel Centre'.
Operator: 'Sir, they are our opening hours'.
---------------------------------------------------------
Samsung Electronics
Caller: 'Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?'
Operator: 'I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about'.
Caller: 'On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?'
Operator: 'I think you mean the telephone point on the wall'.
---------------------------------------------------------------
RAC Motoring Services
Caller: 'Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am travelling in Australia ?'
Operator: ' Doesn't the product name give you a clue?'
---------------------------------------------------------
Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while travelling in France ):
'If I register my car in France , do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?'
---------------------------------------------------------
Directory Enquiries
Caller: 'I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff please'.
Operator: 'I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?'
Caller: 'Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off'.
-------------------------------------------------------------
Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator: 'Woven? Are you sure?'
Caller: 'Yes. That's what it says on the label; Woven in Scotland '.
-------------------------------------------------------------
On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator:
'I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on'.
-------------------------------------------------------------
Tech Support: 'I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop'.
Customer: 'OK'.
Tech Support: 'Did you get a pop-up menu?'.
Customer: 'No'.
Tech Support: 'OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?'
Customer: 'No'.
Tech Support: 'OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?'.
Customer: 'Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'.
----------------------------------------------------------
Tech Support: 'OK. In the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?'
Customer: 'Wow. How can you see my screen from there?'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Caller: 'I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just realised that I need it. If I turn my system clock back two weeks will I have my file back again?'.

--

Filling space until a new signature comes along...
IP: 81.139.94.143
Roy Morton

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Joined: 09/10/2007
Location: Redruth Cornwall

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 04/04/2008 01:13:45
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Two guys are staggering home along a railway line after a particularly heavy night on the sauce. One guy says to the other 'Christ!, these steps seem to be going on for ever.'
His mate replies
'Your right there mate! and these low hand rails arn't helping much either!' Laugh

--

'Bid me discourse, I will enchant thine ear'
IP: 88.104.212.35
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