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Mine Exploration Forum

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Author Vanoord's a Joke
LAP

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Joined: 04/02/2007
Location: Somewhere between Carnforth/Carn-Ffyrdd, and Milnthorpe.

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 30/01/2008 20:52:07
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A man is dying in his bed; and his wife.. sat beside him says "any last wishes"
And the man replies "yes, Marry Fred"
"But I thought you hated Fred" replied the wife
"Exactly!" replied the man...



--

Gav dhymm, yma glaw puptydh, dell hevel!
IP: 81.76.42.90
LAP

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Joined: 04/02/2007
Location: Somewhere between Carnforth/Carn-Ffyrdd, and Milnthorpe.

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 30/01/2008 20:54:41
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Does anyone here remember "The Goon Show".. obviously I dont but Ive heard it a couple of times.. very funny"

Henry: "Put that cat out min!"
Minny: Why Henry?
Henry: Its on fire


lol, a bit old but still quite funny.

--

Gav dhymm, yma glaw puptydh, dell hevel!
IP: 81.76.42.90
JohnnearCfon

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Joined: 22/12/2005
Location: Sir Caernarfon

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 30/01/2008 20:59:25
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Seven dwarves went to meet the Pope. "Go on Dopey, ask" chant the other six.

OK said Dopey, ("Sir are there nuns in Alaska?")

"Yes there are" said the Pope

"Go on Dopey, ask him said the other six

"Sir are there black nuns in Alaska?"

"Yes there are" said the Pope.

"Go on Dopey, ask him said the other six, and Dopey blushed...

"Sir, are there midget nuns in Alaska?"

"No I don't think so"

The other six jumped up and down and chanted...

"DOPEY SHAGGED A PENGUIN, DOPEY SHAGGED A PENGUIN"


--

Cadwch Cymru'n daclus-Taflwch eich ysbwriel yn LLoeger
IP: 89.241.255.229
JohnnearCfon

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Joined: 22/12/2005
Location: Sir Caernarfon

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 31/01/2008 20:48:42
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A catholic, a jew and a satanist in the loo taking a waz, the catholic zips up then washes his hands up to the elbows saying 'we think cleanliness i next to godliness', the jew zips up then barley wets his fingers saying ' we think that you should conserve money and resources', the satanist zips up, heads for the door and says ' we've learned not to **** on our fingers in the first place'

--

Cadwch Cymru'n daclus-Taflwch eich ysbwriel yn LLoeger
IP: 89.241.241.156
JohnnearCfon

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 31/01/2008 20:55:58
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The Tesco Doctor.

One day, in line at the works cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him,
"My elbow hurts like hell. I suppose I'd better see a doctor!"
"Listen, don't waste your time down at the surgery", Mike replies.
"There's a diagnostic computer at Tesco. Just give it a
urine sample and
the computer will tell you what's wrong, and what to do about it. It
takes ten seconds and only costs five quid....a lot quicker and better
than a doctor and you get Clubcard points".
So Jack collects a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Tesco. He
deposits five pounds and the computer lights up and asks for the urine
sample. He pours the sample into the slot and
waits.
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy
activity. It will improve in two weeks".
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack
began wondering if the computer could be fooled.
He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from
his wife and daughter, and "pleasured himself" into the mixture for good
measure. Jack hurried back to Tesco, eager to check what would happen.
He deposits five pounds, pours in his concoction, and awaits the
results.
The computer prints the following:
1) Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2) your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal
shampoo.
3) Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4) Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5) And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never
get better....
Thank you for shopping at Tesco


--

Cadwch Cymru'n daclus-Taflwch eich ysbwriel yn LLoeger
IP: 89.241.241.156
Captain Scarlet

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Joined: 07/03/2007
Location: The Cumbrian Underground

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 08/02/2008 08:47:34
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A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a Xmas fancy dress party. He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem.

A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a Pirate.

The man is offended that the outfit emphasizes his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint. A week passes and he receives another parcel and note:

Dear Sir,
Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part.

The man is really incandescent with rage now, because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head. So he writes a really strong letter of complaint. A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the accompanying
letter:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup.
We suggest you pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your arse and go as a toffee apple.


--

Mine exploring can be dangerous, but then again, it can be ok...
IP: 195.8.188.42
carnkie

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Joined: 07/09/2007
Location: camborne, cornwall

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 08/02/2008 22:09:43
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Mention of the Goon Show always reminds me of Spikes epitaph'

"I told you I was ill" Smile
IP: 88.105.208.180
Captain Scarlet

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 04/03/2008 07:56:00
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A bloke walks into a bar with a dachshund under his arm. The dog is
wearing a Liverpool shirt and scarf, and is festooned
with Liverpool memorabilia.

The barman says, "Hey! No pets are allowed! You'll have to
leave."

The Welshman begs him, "Look boyo, I'm desperate! We're both big fans, the
TV's broken at home, and this is the only place around where we
can see the game."

After securing a promise that the dog will behave, and warning
him that he and the dog will be thrown out if there's any
trouble, the barman relents and allows them to stay in the bar
and watch the game.

The big game, a EUFA Cup spot against Blackburn, begins with Liverpool kicking off.
After a scrappy match the Reds win the game convincingly and secure fifth spot.
Suddenly, the dog jumps up on the bar and begins walking up and
down the bar giving high-fives to everyone.

The barman says, "Wow, that's the most amazing thing I've ever
seen! What does the dog do if they win the league?"

"I don't know", says the owner, "I've only had him for fifteen years."

--

Mine exploring can be dangerous, but then again, it can be ok...
IP: 195.8.188.42
Vanoord

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Joined: 28/11/2005
Location: North Wales

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 04/03/2008 08:12:51
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Am I allowed to ban Colonel Muistard for jokes like that? Tongue

--

Filling space until a new signature comes along...
IP: 81.157.171.151
stevem

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Joined: 21/08/2006
Location: Wirral

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 04/03/2008 09:43:04
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Tis all but true unfortunately Sad

The other one doing the rounds is
Which ship is never coming to Liverpool....

"The PremierShip!"

Anyway won't need fourth spot if we win the cup Thumbs Up

--

May the fleas of a thousand camels infest the crotch of the person who screws up your day and may their arms be too short to scratch.
IP: 192.171.196.189
Vanoord

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Joined: 28/11/2005
Location: North Wales

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 04/03/2008 18:43:00
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I'm not going to Moscow after coming very close to being teargassed in Athens... the Russians are mad and shambolic, whereas the Greeks were just shambolic!

--

Filling space until a new signature comes along...
IP: 81.139.112.98
JohnnearCfon

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Joined: 22/12/2005
Location: Sir Caernarfon

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 04/03/2008 18:49:38
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I see we have a new member with the ID twojags. I wonder how many mines John Prescott will actually be able to explore? How many times will he have to be rescued having got stuck after eating his lunch underground?

--

Cadwch Cymru'n daclus-Taflwch eich ysbwriel yn LLoeger
IP: 84.13.34.16
carnkie

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 04/03/2008 19:33:41
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Subject: American election Update
Date: Fri, 29 Feb 2008 11:05:42 -0000

Hillary Clinton and her driver were cruising along
a country road one evening when an ancient cow
loomed in front of the car. The driver tried to
avoid it but couldn't - the aged bovine was struck
and killed.
Hillary told her driver to go up to the farmhouse
and explain to the owners what had happened. She
stayed in the car making phone calls.
About an hour later the driver staggered back to the
car with his clothes in disarray. He was holding a
half-empty bottle of expensive wine in one hand, a
rare, huge Cuban cigar in the other, and was smiling
happily, smeared with lipstick.
'What happened to you,' asked Hillary?
'Well,' the driver replied, 'the farmer gave me the
cigar , his wife gave me the wine, and their
beautiful twin daughters made passionate love to
me!'
My God, what did you say to them?' asked Hillary.
The driver replied, 'I just stepped inside the door
and said, I'm Hillary Clinton's driver and I've
just killed the old cow. The rest happened so fast
I couldn't stop it.'

IP: 88.105.236.51
Roy Morton

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Joined: 09/10/2007
Location: Redruth Cornwall

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 05/03/2008 01:36:05
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John Wayne is having a drink at the Last Chance saloon. putting his empty glass down on the bar he tips his hat to the 'Ladies' and leaves. secondslater he bursts through the doors pulls out his sixgun and fires a shot into the ceiling."OK..... Which one of you low down coyotes has stolen my horse?" the bar falls deadly silent. "well?" Still no one speaks. "Allright..I'm gonna count to three and if I dont get an answer, the same will happen here as happened in Reno!" A head tentatively appears from behind the piano and in a trembling voice says, "wwwhat hhappened in RReno John?" "Well" he says " I had to F***ing walk home!"

--

'Bid me discourse and I shall enchant your ear'
IP: 88.104.178.7
stevem

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 05/03/2008 08:08:05
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Vanoord wrote:

I'm not going to Moscow after coming very close to being teargassed in Athens... the Russians are mad and shambolic, whereas the Greeks were just shambolic!


Athens was shocking...can't see Moscow being any better Angry
Would probably end up in Siberia Blink
Only slightly off topic as the organisation WAS a JOKE
They certainly pick the good places to hold these events Thumb Down

--

May the fleas of a thousand camels infest the crotch of the person who screws up your day and may their arms be too short to scratch.
IP: 192.171.196.189 Edited: 05/03/2008 08:10:32 by stevem
Captain Scarlet

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 11/03/2008 08:13:21
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A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador Retriever in the middle seat next to the man. The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was allowed on the plane.

The second man explained that he was a DEA agent and that the dog was a 'sniffing dog'. 'His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work.'

The plane took off , and once it has leveled out, the agent said,
'Watch this.' He told Sniffer to 'search.'


Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very
purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the agent's arm.


The agent said, 'Good boy', and he turned to the man and said, 'That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.

'Say, that's pretty neat,' replied the first man.


Once again, the agent sent Sniffer to search the aisles. The lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to its seat, and this time he placed two paws on the agent's arm.


The agent said, 'That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the police.'


I like it!' said his seat mate.


The agent then told Sniffer to 'search' again.


Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to sh!t all over the place.


The first man was really grossed out by this behavior and couldn't
figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that, so he asked the agent, 'What's going on?'



The agent nervously replied, 'He just found a bomb.'

--

Mine exploring can be dangerous, but then again, it can be ok...
IP: 195.8.188.42
Roy Morton

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Location: Redruth Cornwall

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 11/03/2008 18:32:03
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one of my favourite inane comments from the Goons is, Gritpype Thynne to Moriarty " Here we are starving to death, and all you can think of is food" Crying Big Grin

--

'Bid me discourse and I shall enchant your ear'
IP: 88.104.178.7 Edited: 11/03/2008 18:33:49 by Roy Morton
Clunk

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 11/03/2008 23:36:52
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I used to have a book of goon sketches when I was younger.
One of the sketches that sticks in my mind is this one:
Minne; Where are you?
(I forget the fellas name so lets say harry)
Harry: I am in the piano?
M: Which Piano?
H: The mahogany lattice front upright in the corner.
M: Which one?
H: Serial number HJ66544B
M: Ah, they don't write numbers like that any more.

Like I said. Not very funny, but it sticks in my mind for some reason. Blush

--

IP: 86.160.181.51
Roy Morton

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 12/03/2008 00:34:18
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Henry Crun always seems to inside something or other. In one sketch Minnie is looking for him ;
" Henry!".....Henryyyyyyy!..."Where are you Henry"
"I'm in the grandfather clock Min"
"ooooh!... What are you doing in there?"
"Trying to get out!"

Another is Seagoon to Major Bloodnock;
"You Chinese think of everything"
Bloodnock - "But I'm not Chinese!"
Seagoon - "Then you must have forgotten something!"

As you say, old and daft.... a bit like me i suppose
Big Grin

Why did pianos' feature so big in goonshow scripts I wonder?

--

'Bid me discourse and I shall enchant your ear'
IP: 88.104.178.7
Clunk

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 12/03/2008 01:01:52
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Another one I remember, but I forget who the characters were is:-
a: 'You cant shoot me with that banana.'
*BANG*
a: 'Swine, it was loaded.'

I would like to point out that I am only 32. I got a Goons book from somewhere while I was young.

--

IP: 86.160.181.51
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