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Author Vanoord's a Joke
royfellows

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Joined: 13/06/2007
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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 05/12/2007 13:44:16
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'gentlemen, gentlemen, you can't fight in here, this is the war room'

Peter Sellers in Dr Strangelove, 1962?

The joke is terrible by the way, and yes, you aught to be stoned. If you tell jokes like this you would fit in well at the Talybont Project.
IP: 78.150.19.125
Captain Scarlet

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 05/12/2007 13:45:41
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A man enters a barbershop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.

"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. " Just place this between your cheek and gum.

The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced.
After a few strokes, the client asks in garbled speech, "And what if I swallow it?"

"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."

--

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stevem

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 05/12/2007 15:46:49
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royfellows wrote:

'gentlemen, gentlemen, you can't fight in here, this is the war room'

Peter Sellers in Dr Strangelove, 1962?


Correct!!

royfellows wrote:


you aught to be stoned.


How did you know Thumb Up

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'gentlemen, gentlemen, you can't fight in here, this is the war room'
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Barney

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 10/01/2008 13:36:48
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A few random facts One is blatantly my favourite!!!

# The original game of "Monopoly" was circular.
# It costs more to buy a new car today in the United States than it cost Christopher Columbus to equip and undertake three voyages to and from the New World.
# One-fourth of the world's population lives on less than $200 a year.
# Ninety million people survive on less than $75 a year.
# The sentence "the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every letter in the English language.
# The word racecar and kayak are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left.
# TYPEWRITER, is the longest word that can be made using the letters on only one row of the keyboard.
# Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia is the fear of long words.
# A snail can sleep for 3 years.
# Did you know you share your birthday with at least 9 million other people in the world.
# The average human eats 8 spiders in their lifetime at night.
# More people are killed by donkeys annually than are killed in plane crashes.
# Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
# The continents names all end with the same letter with which they start.
# Shakespeare invented the word "assassination" and "bump."
# According to tests made at the Institute for the Study of Animal Problems in Washington, D.C., dogs and cats, like people, are either right-handed or left-handed --- that is, they favor either their right or left paws.
# A giraffe can go without water longer than a camel can.
# Blue whales weigh as much as 30 elephants and are as long as 3 Greyhound buses.
# Crocodiles and alligators are surprisingly fast on land. Although they are rapid, they are not agile; so if you ever find yourself chased by one, run in a zigzag line. You'll lose him or her every time.
# Birds do not sleep in their nests. They may occasionally nap in them, but they actually sleep in other places.
# Most elephants weigh less than the tongue of the blue whale.
# Butterflies taste with their hind feet.
# Only female mosquitoes bite.
# Mosquitoes are attracted to the color blue twice as much as to any other color.
# If one places a tiny amount of liquor on a scorpion, it will instantly go mad and sting itself to death.
# Every night, wasps bite into the stem of a plant, lock their mandibles (jaws) into position, stretch out at right angles to the stem, and, with legs dangling, fall asleep.
# Ants stretch when they wake up. They also appear to yawn in a very human manner before taking up the tasks of the day.
# Bees have 5 eyes. There are 3 small eyes on the top of a bee's head and 2 larger ones in front.
# The outdoor temperature can be estimated to within several degrees by timing the chirps of a cricket. It is done this way: count the number of chirps in a 15-second period, and add 37 to the total. The result will be very close to the actual Fahrenheit temperature. This formula, however, only works in warm weather. (Try it!)
# In the United States, a pound of potato chips cost two hundred times more than a pound of potatoes.
# Caesar salad has nothing to do with any of the Caesar. It was first concocted in a bar in Tijuana, Mexico, in the 1920's.
# A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down continually from the bottom of the glass to the top.
# Celery has negative calories! It takes more calories to eat a piece of celery than the celery has in it to begin with.
# You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television.
# The two longest one-syllable words in the English language is "screeched. & strengths."
# Barbie's measurements if she were life size: 39-23-33.
# Barbie's full first name is Barbara Millicent Roberts.
# All of the clocks in Pulp Fiction are stuck on 4:20.
# A coat hanger is 44 inches long if straightened
# "Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".
# The word 'byte' is a contraction of 'by eight.'
# The word 'pixel' is a contraction of either 'picture cell' or 'picture element'.
# Isaac Asimov is the only author to have a book in every Dewey-decimal category.
# Cat's urine glows under a black light.
# The average ear of corn has eight hundred kernels arranged in sixteen rows.
# The first Ford cars had Dodge engines.
# Chrysler built B-29's engines that bombed Japan, Mitsubishi built Zeros that tried to shoot them down. Both companies now build cars in a joint plant call Diamond Star.
# On the new hundred-dollar bill the time on the clock tower of Independence Hall is 4:10.
# The vignette on the reverse of the five-dollar note depicts a likeness of the front of the Lincoln Memorial as it appeared in 1922 when it was first dedicated. At that time, there were only 48 states that made up the United States of America. The names of 26 states were engraved on the front of the Memorial. This is why only the names of 26 states appear in the vignette on the reverse of the five-dollar note. In the upper frieze of the fa├žade in the vignette the states are from left to right: Arkansas, Michigan, Florida, Texas, Iowa, Wisconsin, California, Minnesota, Oregon, Kansas, West Virginia, Nevada, Nebraska, Colorado, and North Dakota. In the lower frieze from left to right the names of the states are: Delaware, Pennsylvania, New Jersey, Georgia, Connecticut, Massachusetts, Maryland, Carolina, Hampshire, Virginia and New York.
# All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill.
# Almonds are members of the peach family.
# If you add up the numbers 1-100 consecutively (1+2+3+4+5 etc) the total is 5050
# The symbol on the "pound" key (#) is called an octothorpe.
# The maximum weight for a golf ball is 1.62 Oz.
# The dot over the letter 'i' is called a tittle.
# Duddley DoRight's Horses name was "Horse."
# Samuel Clemens aka Mark Twain was born on a day in 1835 when Haley's Comet came into view. When He died in 1910, Haley's Comet came into view again.
# Ethernet is a registered trademark of Xerox, Unix is a registered trademark of AT&T.
# The first hard drive available for the Apple ][ had a capacity of 5megabytes.
# In many cases, the amount of storage space on a record-able CD is measured in minutes. 74 minutes is about 650 megabytes, 63 minutes is 550 megabytes.
# Charlie Brown's father was a barber.
# Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously.
# Of the six men who made up the Three Stooges, three of them were real brothers (Moe, Curly and Shemp.)
# Ohio is listed as the 17th state in the U.S., but technically it is number 47. Until August 7, 1953, congress forgot to vote on a resolution to admit Ohio to the Union.
# If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four pennies, you have $1.19. You also have the largest amount of money in coins without being able to make change for a dollar.
# Only 1/3 of the people that can twitch their ears can twitch only one at a time.
# The volume of the Earth's moon is the same as the volume of the Pacific Ocean.
# Ingrown toenails are hereditary.
# The largest city in the United States with a one syllable name is Flint, Michigan.
# On the cartoon show 'The Jetsons', Jane is 33 years old and her daughter Judy is 15.
# In Mel Brooks' 'Silent Movie,' mime Marcel Marceau is the only person who has a speaking role.
# Only humans and horses have hymens.
# The word "set" has more definitions than any other word in the English language.
# The state with the longest coastline in the US is Alaska.
# We will have four consecutive full moons making two blue moons in 1999 (January 2 and 31, March 2 and 31.) The only other time it happened this century was in 1915 (January 1 and 31, March 1 and 31.)
# Pulp Fiction cost $8 million to make - $5 million going to actor's salaries.
# Spot, Data's cat on Star Trek: The Next Generation, was played by six different cats.
# The longest U.S. highway is route 6 starting in Cape Cod, Massachusetts going through 14 states, and ending in Bishop, California...
# The number of the trash compactor in Star Wars (20th Century Fox, 1977) is 3263827.
# "Underground" is the only word in the English language that begins and ends with the letters "und."
# A full seven percent of the entire Irish barley crop goes to the production of Guinness beer.
# If you toss a penny 10000 times, it will not be heads 5000 times, but more like 4950. The heads picture weighs more, so it ends up on the bottom.
# The housefly hums in the middle octave, key of F.
# Mr. Snuffleupagas' first name was Alyoisus.
# In the movie "the Right Stuff" there is a scene where a government recruiter for the Mercury astronaut program (played by Jeff Goldblum) is in a bar at Muroc Dry Lake, California. His partner suggests Chuck Yeager as a good astronaut candidate. Jeff proceeds to bad mouth Yeager claiming they need someone who went to college. During the conversation the real Chuck Yeager is playing a bartender who is standing behind the recruiters eavesdropping. General Yeager is listed low in the movie credits as 'Fred.'
# Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.
# There are only four words in the English language which end in "-dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.
# The longest word in the English language, according to the Oxford English Dictionary, is pneumonoultramicroscopics- ilicovolcanoconiosis. The only other word with the same amount of letters ispneumonoultra-microscopicsilicovol- canoconioses, its plural.
# The longest place-name still in use is Taumatawhakatan- gihangakoauauotamateaturipukakapikimaun
gahoronukupokai- whenuakitanatahu, a New Zealand hill.
# Los Angeles's full name is "El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de los Angeles de Porciuncula" and can be abbreviated to 3.63% of its size, "L.A."
# A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
# An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain.
# Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.
# After the Civil War the U.S. sued Great Britain for damages that were caused by them building ships for the Confederacy. We originally asked for $1 billion but settled on $25 Million.
# There are 22 stars surrounding the mountain on the Paramount Pictures logo.
# Deborah Winger did the voice of E.T.
# There is a word in the English language with only one vowel, which occurs six times: Indivisibility.
# Dr. Samuel A. Mudd was the physician who set the leg of Lincoln's assassin John Wilkes Booth ... and whose shame created the expression for ignominy, "His name is Mudd."
# The muzzle of a lion is like a fingerprint - no two lions have the same pattern of whiskers.
# In 1969, the last Corvair was painted gold.
# The real name of the "I've fallen and I can't get up" lady is Edith Fore.
# Betsy Ross was born with a fully formed set of teeth.
# Betsy Ross's other contribution to the American Revolution, beside sewing the first American flag, was running a munitions factory in her basement.
# The only real people to be a Pez head are
Betsy Ross, Paul Revere and Daniel Boone.
# Steely Dan got their name from a sexual device depicted in the book 'The Naked Lunch'.
# Bob Dylan's real name is Robert Zimmerman.
# Wilma Flintstone's maiden name was Wilma Slaghoopal, and Betty Rubble's Maiden name was Betty Jean Mcbricker.
# Lenny Kravitz's mother played the part of "Helen" on "The Jeffersons."
# Grapes explode when you put them in the microwave.
# A pregnant goldfish is called a twit.
# 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
# The Ramses brand condom is named after the great phaoroh Ramses II who fathered over 160 children.
# There is a seven letter word in the English language that contains ten words without rearranging any of its letters, "therein": the, there, he, in, rein, her, here, here, ere, therein, herein.
# When the University of Nebraska Cornhuskers play football at home, the stadium becomes the state's third largest city.
# John Larroquette of "Night Court" and "The John Larroquette Show" was the narrator of "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre."
# A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes.
# A pig's penis is shaped like a corkscrew.
# A dragonfly has a lifespan of 24 hours.
# A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.
# A quarter has 119 grooves around the edge.
# A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.
# On an American one-dollar bill, there is an owl in the upper left-hand corner of the "1" encased in the "shield" and a spider hidden in the front upper right-hand corner.
# It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
# "Evian" spelled backwards is naive.
# The plastic things on the end of shoelaces are called aglets.
# Maine is the toothpick capital of the world.
# It was discovered on a space mission that a frog can throw up. The frog throws up it's stomach first, so the stomach is dangling out of it's mouth. Then the frog uses it's forearms to dig out all of the stomach's contents and then swallows the stomach back down again.
# The A&W of root beer fame stands for Allen and Wright.
# A baby eel is called an elver, a baby oyster is called a spat.
# Bingo is the name of the dog on the Cracker Jack box.
# Lake Nicaragua boasts the only fresh-water sharks in the entire world.
# Charles de Gaulle's final words were, "It hurts."
# There are four cars and ten lightposts on the back of a ten-dollar bill.
# ABBA got their name by taking the first letter from each of their first names (Agnetha, Bjorn, Benny, Anni- frid.)
# What five digit number, when multiplied by the number 4, is the same number with the digits in reverse order?
21978; 21978 x 4 = 87912.
# It was illegal to sell ET dolls in France because there is a law against selling dolls without human faces.
# In the 1983 film "JAWS 3D" the shark blows up. Some of the shark guts were the stuffed ET dolls being sold at the time.
# Montana mountain goats will butt heads so hard their hooves fall off.
# The Beatles song "Dear Prudence" was written about Mia Farrow's sister, Prudence, when she wouldn't come out and play with Mia and the Beatles at a religious retreat in India.
# The Professor's real name was Roy Hinkley, Mary Ann's last name was Summers and Mrs. Howell's maiden name was Wentworth.
# The male gypsy moth can "smell" the virgin female gypsy moth from 1.8 miles away.
# In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak.
# Reindeer milk has more fat than cow milk.
# The "L.L." in L.L. Bean stands for Leon Leonwood.
# The original fifty cent piece in Australian decimal currency had around $2.00 worth of silver in it before it was replaced with a less expensive twelve sided coin.
# The letters KGB stand for Komitet Gosudarstvennoy Bezopasnosti.
# Alexander the Great was an epileptic.
# The lead singer of The Knack, famous for "My Sharona," and Jack Kevorkian's lead defense attorney are brothers, Doug & Jeffrey Feiger.
# The name for Oz in the "Wizard of Oz" was thought up when the creator, Frank Baum, looked at his filing cabinet and saw A-N, and O-Z, hence "Oz."
# The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.
# Elton John's real name is Reginald Dwight. Elton comes from Elton Dean, a Bluesology sax player. John comes from Long John Baldry, founder of Blues Inc. They were the first electric white blues band ever seen in England- -1961
# The saying "it's so cold out there it could freeze the balls off a brass monkey" came from when they had old cannons like ones used in the Civil War. The cannonballs were stacked in a pyramid formation, called a brass monkey. When it got extremely cold outside they would crack and break off... Thus the saying.
# Horses cannot vomit.
# S.O.S. doesn't stand for "Save Our Ship" or "Save Our Souls" -- It was just chosen by an 1908 international conference on Morse Code because the letters S and O were easy to remember and just about anyone couldkey it and read it, S = dot dot dot, O = dash dash dash..
# Pocahontas appeared on the back of the $20 bill in 1875.
# When a female horse and male donkey mate, the offspring is called a mule, but when a male horse and female donkey mate, the offspring is called a hinny.
# The way to get more mules is to mate a male donkey with a female horse.
# A donkey will sink in quicksand but a mule won't.
# Hugh "Ward Cleaver" Beaumont was an ordained minister.
# The Old English word for "sneeze" is "fneosan."
# John Lennon's first girlfriend was named Thelma Pickles.
# Woodpecker scalps, porpoise teeth and giraffe tails have all been used as money.
# The Los Angeles Rams were the first U.S. football team to introduce emblems on their helmets.
# The average garden variety caterpillar has 248 muscles in its head.
# Dart-boards are made out of horsehair.
# One of the many Tarzans, Karmuela Searlel, was mauled to death on the set by a raging elephant.
# Slinkys were invented by an airplane mechanic; he was playing with engine parts and realized the possible secondary use of one of the springs.
# There are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball.
# Octopi have gardens.
# "Ever think you're hearing something in a song, but they're really singing something else? The word for mis-heard lyrics is 'mondegreen,' and it comes from a folk song in the '50's. The singer was actually singing "They slew the Earl of Morray and laid him on the green," but this came off sounding like 'They slew the Earl of Morray and Lady Mondegreen.'"
# Napoleon constructed his battle plans in a sandbox.
# 'Strengths' is the longest word in the English language with just one vowel.
# 'Stewardesses' is the longest word that is typed with only the left hand.
# One of the longest English words that can be typed using the top row of a typewriter (allowing multiple uses of letters) is 'typewriter.'
# When a giraffe's baby is born it falls from a height of six feet, normally without being hurt.
# Virgina Woolf wrote all her books standing.
# The pitches that Babe Ruth hit for his last-ever home run and that Joe DiMaggio hit for his first-ever home run where thrown by the same man.
# To "testify" was based on men in the Roman court swearing to a statement made by swearing on their testicles.
# During conscription for WWII, there were nine documented cases of men with three testicles.
# Both Hitler and Napoleon were missing one testicle.
# Stalin was only five feet, four inches tall.
# Stalin's left foot had webbed toes, and his left arm is noticeably shorter than his right.
# Swans are the only birds with penises.
# A whale's penis is called a dork.
# Some carnivores, rodents, bats and insectivores have a penis bone, called a baculum.
# A barnacle has the largest penis of any other animal in the world in relation to its size.
# Tomb robbers believed that knocking Egyptian sarcophagi's noses off would and therefore forestall curses.
# The allele for six fingers and toes is dominant in humans.
# The face of a penny can hold about thirty drops of water.
# Medieval knights put sharkskin on their sword handles to give them a more secure grip; they would dig the sharp scales into their palms.
# Orcas (killer whales) kill sharks by torpedoing up into the shark's stomach from underneath, causing the shark to explode.
# The only planet without a ring is earth.
# Wayne's World was filmed in two weeks.
# If you feed a seagull Alka-Seltzer, its stomach will explode.
# The raised reflective dots in the middle of highways are called Botts dots.
# Boris Karloff is the narrator of the seasonal television special "How the Grinch Stole Christmas."
# A group of unicorns is called a blessing.
# Twelve or more cows are known as a "flink."
# A group of frogs is called an army.
# A group of rhinos is called a crash.
# A group of kangaroos is called a mob.
# A group of whales is called a pod.
# A group of geese is called a gaggle.
# A group of ravens is called a murder.
# A group of officers is called a mess.
# A group of larks is called an exaltation.
# A group of owls is called a parliament.
# The 80s song "Rosanna" from the Eighties was written about Rosanna Arquette, the actress.
# Warren Beatty and Shirley MacLaine are brother and sister.
# Starfish don't have brains.
# Shrimps' hearts are in their heads.
# Did you know that the actor Jane Seymour's birth name is:
Joyce Penelope Wilhelmina Frankenberg.
Roy Rogers name was Leonard Slye
Dale Evans was Frances Octavia Smith.
# The derivation of the word trivia comes from the Latin "tri-" + "via", which means three streets. This is because in ancient times, at an intersection of three streets in Rome, they would have a type of kiosk where ancillary information was listed. You might be interested in it, you might not, hence they were bits of"trivia."
# Henry VIII only had two of his wives executed;
Anne Boleyn (#2) and Catherine Howard (#5).
Catherine of Aragon (#1) died after he had divorced her,
Jane Seymour (#3) died after childbirth (of Edward),
Anne of Cleves (#4) died after he divorced her
Katherine Parr (#6) actually outlived Henry.
# Jellyfish have no brains, yet they can tell light from dark, and sence movement.
# The term 'flying on cloud 9' originates from military flights. Cloud types are classified as numbers... with 'cloud 9' being a very tall thunderstorm. Jets have to climb to an extremely high altitude in order to fly over 'cloud 9.
# A dogs sense of smell is one of the keenest in nature. If a pot of stew was cooking on a stove, a human would smell the stew, while the dog could smell the beef, carrots, peas, potatoes, spices, and all the other individual ingredients in the stew. In fact, if you unfolded and laid out the delicate membranes from inside a dogs nose, the membranes would be larger than the dog itself.
# Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least 6 feet away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush. I keep my toothbrush in the living room now.
# The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as a substitute for blood plasma.
# Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes.
# Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty years of age or older.
# The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley's gum.
# The king of hearts is the only king without a mustache.
# A Boeing 747's wingspan is longer than the Wright brother's first flight.
The wingspan of the B-36, a retired USAF bomber, was twice as long.
# American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating 1 olive from each salad served in first class.
# Pearls melt in vinegar.
# It is possible to lead a cow upstairs...but not downstairs.
# The reason firehouses have circular stairways is from the days when engines were pulled by horses. The horses were stabled on the ground floor and figured out how to walk up straight staircases.
# Turtles can breathe through their butts
# A crocodile cannot stick out its tongue.
# A "jiffy" is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.
# A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.
# Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.
# Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds. Dogs only have about 10.
# February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.
# In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.
# If the population of China walked past you, in single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.
# If you are an average American, in your whole life, you will spend an average of 6 months waiting at red lights.
# Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.
# No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple.
# Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.
# Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.
# Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
# The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.
# The Bible does not say there were three wise men; it only says there were three gifts.
# The cruise liner, QE2, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.
# The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze completely solid.
# There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.
# There are more chickens than people in the world.
# Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks; otherwise it will digest itself.
# When we visit toilets, bathrooms, hotel rooms, changing rooms, etc., how many of you know for sure that the seemingly ordinary mirror hanging on the wall is a real mirror, or actually a two-way mirror?? Just conduct this simple test: Place the tip of your fingernail against the reflective surface and if there is a GAP between your fingernail and the image of the nail, then it is a GENUINE mirror. However, if your fingernail DIRECTLY TOUCHES the image of your nail, then BEWARE, for it is a two-way mirror
# The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska!
# The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% (now get this...) The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%
# The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $6,400
# The average number of people airborne over the US any given hour: 61,000
# Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
# The world's youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived in China in 1910.
# The youngest pope was 11 years old.
# The first novel ever written on a typewriter?=o?= Tom Sawyer.
# Those San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.
# In Massachusetts - It is illegal to put tomatoes in clam chowder
# Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history: Spades - King David, Hearts - Charlemagne, Clubs - Alexander the Great, Diamonds - Julius Caesar
# If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.
# "I am." is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.



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Captain Scarlet

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 10/01/2008 14:14:21
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Barney wrote:

A few random facts One is blatantly my favourite!!!





Laugh So thats your secret .... Laugh

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carnkie

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 10/01/2008 14:29:35
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Obviously- I think; therefore.............. Wink IP: 88.105.145.89
Barney

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 10/01/2008 14:58:38
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Colonel Mustard wrote:



Laugh So thats your secret .... Laugh


Its no secret any more! Blush

--

C'mon
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Vanoord

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 10/01/2008 16:05:42
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When girls don't put out!!
Girls -- Please have a sense of humor!
I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much.
And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing.
I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.
FOR EXAMPLE:

One evening last week, my girlfriend and i were getting into bed.

Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'

I said, 'WHAT !! What was that !'

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...

'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'

She responded to my puzzled look

by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom '

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her.
We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big unnamed department store.
I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits.
She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.'

We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings.
Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck.
I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all
dear, let's go to the cashier.'

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out,

'No honey, I don't feel like it.
'Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT '

I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you

'Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that ***** knows I'm smarter than her.

--

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Wormster

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Subject: Ponderisms
Posted: 18/01/2008 08:56:14
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* I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

* Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

* The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

* Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

* There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.

* Life is sexually transmitted.

* Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

* The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

* Some people are like Slinkies. Not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

* Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

* Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

* Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again

* All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

* In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

* How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

* Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"

* Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt."

* Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

* If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

* If a small pest is a pesticle, what is a small test?

* If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

* Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

* If a schizophrenic threatens suicide, is it a hostage situation?

* Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

* Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

* Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

* Do you ever wonder why you gave me your email address?

--

Better to regret something you have done - than to regret something you have not done.
IP: 81.151.213.94 Edited: 18/01/2008 09:03:26 by Wormster
JohnnearCfon

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 18/01/2008 19:18:26
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A cannibal goes away for a holiday. when he comes back he has only 1 leg. his mate says to him 'Did you have a nice holiday?' cannibal say, 'oh yeah, had a great time ... only I think maybe next year I won't go self-catering.'

--

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Clunk

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 20/01/2008 01:31:53
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Barney wrote:

# The continents names all end with the same letter with which they start.
Eurasia?
[web link]

--

IP: 86.153.216.175 Edited: 20/01/2008 01:32:38 by Clunk
Wormster

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 28/01/2008 16:32:52
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A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant. So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, 'This is from the gentleman who is seated over there.' ..and indicated the sender with a nod of his head. She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note. The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.

The note read:
'For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and 7 inches in your pants '

After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady.
It read:

'Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be, I have a Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages; I have a beautiful homes in Aspen , Miami , and a 10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana . There is over twenty million dollars in bank account and portfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you are, would I cut off three inches.

Just send the bottle back.'

--

Better to regret something you have done - than to regret something you have not done.
IP: 86.135.102.181
JohnnearCfon

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 29/01/2008 17:27:03
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What's wrong with jokes that are in bad taste? They are normally the funniest! That one wasn't that bad!

--

Cadwch Cymru'n daclus-Taflwch eich ysbwriel yn LLoeger
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Vanoord

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 29/01/2008 17:35:09
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JohnnearCfon wrote:

What's wrong with jokes that are in bad taste? They are normally the funniest! That one wasn't that bad!


There may be miners reading this forum Wink

--

Filling space until a new signature comes along...
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Wormster

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 29/01/2008 17:35:59
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JohnnearCfon wrote:

What's wrong with jokes that are in bad taste? They are normally the funniest! That one wasn't that bad!


When was sick humor first reported in the press??

"Apart from that, Mrs Lincon did you enjoy the play?"

--

Better to regret something you have done - than to regret something you have not done.
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stevem

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 30/01/2008 09:46:59
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(Best if you say this out loud (or quiet))

Latest from the Africa Nations Cup.

Nigeria 8, Ethiopia didn't

Innocent

--

May the fleas of a thousand camels infest the crotch of the person who screws up your day and may their arms be too short to scratch.
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JohnnearCfon

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 30/01/2008 19:45:08
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Handy Tip !

Next time you go on youre holidays and board a plane, Start singing The Iraqi National Anthem....
If anyOne els joins in ..... !
. . . . G E T T H E F U C K O F F ! . .

Laugh Laugh

--

Cadwch Cymru'n daclus-Taflwch eich ysbwriel yn LLoeger
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JohnnearCfon

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 30/01/2008 19:50:09
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A Man in hospital ... wearing an Oxygen mask !
" NURSE ! " . " Nurse " He mumbles " Are My testicles Black ! " ?
The Nurse raises His gown, & with His Manhood in One hand & His testicals' in the other hand !. . . She takes a close look , and after a short time says' " Thers Nothing Wrong with them Sir ... " !
The Man pulls off His Oxygen mask . ! and smiles at Her ! and says " Thank's for that, It was wonderful * but, LISTEN VERY CAREFULLY *
...... ARE MY TEST - RESULTS BACK ? .......

--

Cadwch Cymru'n daclus-Taflwch eich ysbwriel yn LLoeger
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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 30/01/2008 20:39:11
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London Times Obituary of the late Mr. Common Sense

'Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who
has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was,
since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.
He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:
Knowing when to come in out of the rain; why the early bird gets the
worm; Life isn't always fair; and maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more
than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in
charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but
overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy
charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended
from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for
reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the
job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly
children.

It declined even further when schools were required to get parental
consent to administer sun lotion or an Elastoplast to a student; but
could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to
have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became
contraband; churches became businesses; and criminals received better
treatment than their victims. Common Sense took a beating when you
couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar
could sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to
realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in
her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his
wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason.
He
is survived by his 4 stepbrothers; I Know My Rights, I Want It Now,
Someone Else Is To Blame, and I'm A Victim.

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If
you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do
nothing.'

And a little extra........................

Can you imagine working for a company that has a little more than 600
employees and has the following statistics?

29 have been accused of spouse abuse

7 have been arrested for fraud

19 have been accused of writing bad cheques

117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses

3 have done time for assault

71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit

4 have been arrested on drug-related charges

8 have been arrested for shoplifting

21 are currently defendants in lawsuits

84 have been arrested for drink driving in the last year

Which organization is this?

It's the 635 members of the House of Commons, the same group that cranks
out hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep the rest of us in
line.


--

Art thou a figment of mine imagination? Or be I one of thine?
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LAP

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 30/01/2008 20:48:44
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A bit well known and rediculous, but still quite a laugh...(adapted a little...)

A small plane is flying across United States, and due to an engine problem is sheduled for crashing (just made that bit up Big Grin ).. anyway.. on board are a popstar, George Bush, a scout and an Irish priest. The pilot and co-pilot have already jumped clear of the plane, and with the plane being a private one - there are only three parachutes, but there are four people left on the plane, therefore someone has to stay...
Each passanger member has their own reasons, and the pop-star states that he should have a parachute because his fans and George Bush then states "My country and many others need me - so I think I should go". So the popstar and George Bush leap from the plane with the Parachutes.
There only being one parachute left - the prist from Ireland says to the boy "You take it son, your whole life is still ahead of you"... but the boy replies... "nar, its no problem.. theres still two" "George bush mistook my school-sack for the parachute and used that instead... Blink Confused

--

Gav dhymm, yma glaw puptydh, dell hevel!
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