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Author Vanoord's a Joke
Barney

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Joined: 01/12/2005
Location: Warwickshire

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 28/09/2007 20:16:03
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Clunk wrote:


The experts start getting their tools out



Shocked Shocked Shocked Shocked

--

Myfi na dweud Cymraeg
IP: 86.129.245.169
Clunk

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Joined: 20/01/2007
Location: ST921742

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 12/10/2007 13:05:40
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I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange, so I went to the currency exchange window at the local bank. Just one lady in front of me. . .an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars and she was a little irritated . . .
She asked the teller, "Why it change?? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla for yen. Today get hunat eighty?? Why it change?"

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations". The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people, too!"



--

IP: 86.154.155.196
Vanoord

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Joined: 28/11/2005
Location: North Wales

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 24/10/2007 11:59:52
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Mindset
This simply means the way that a person thinks and is likely to behave. It has no relation to trainset (ownership of which also gives a clue to the way that a person thinks and is likely to behave)

A useful marketing shorthand for different Mindsets is to refer to a persons' likely newspaper reading tastes.
Sun reader = person of low intelligence
Star reader = person of low intelligence who could be prevented from reading by Sellotaping his lips together.
Guardian reader = bleeding-heart liberal
Telegraph reader = Diehard Tory
Mail / Express reader = Diehard Tory with brains removed)
Mens Health reader = Sufferer from short-term memory loss who keeps buying the magazine without realising that every issue features an article on how to improve/get a 6-pack, an article on 60 (count-em) ways to to get her gagging for more and how to lose ten pounds of ugly fat (decapitation could be a feasible option.)
Playboy reader = Male with strong wrists, differently exercised.

--

Filling space until a new signature comes along...
IP: 81.130.216.241
Vanoord

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Joined: 28/11/2005
Location: North Wales

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 24/10/2007 12:08:30
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"Teach a man to fish, and you introduce another competitor into the overcrowded fishing industry. Give a man a fish, and you stimulate demand for your product."

"Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Explain why he needs a fish, explain that you are better than anyone else at fulfilling his fish requirements, and leave him your number and the website address of get-a-fish.com. Having stimulated his need for fish, both you and the venture capitalists will believe that there is no possible way he can get a fish online without coming to you. 100,000 people sign up in the first month. Your market cap goes to $50M. Now, quickly, sell up. Whilst you weren't looking your marketing manager thought it would be a great idea to turn your fish site into an 'Online Fish Portal'. As a result, everyone who signed up in the first month has followed the link to learn-to-fish.com, and taught themselves to fish online. Your company is now worthless, but you've walked away with $10M, and you still don't even know how to fish yourself......."

"Give a man a fish, and you satisfy his fish craving for a day. Give him fish aversion therapy, and you eliminate the craving for life."

"Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach him to fish and he'll sit in a boat drinking beer all day."


"Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, and run the risk of overfishing, contravening EU fishing policy, reducing the biodiversity of the world's oceans and increasing the economic decline of our once-great fishing industry."

"Give a man a fish, and he'll probably look at you very odddly, and say something like. "I'm sorry, but you'll still have to pay the speeding fine...."

"Give a man a fish and you leave yourself wide open to lawsuits."

"Give a man a goose and he'll most likely give you something back, yeah, right. Teach a man to goose and he'll soon get in trouble."

"Give a man a boil and he'll just get sore. Teach a man to boil and he'll be able to make his own tea."

"Give a man a flush and he'll beat your pair of aces. Teach a man to flush and the toilet will stay clean longer."

"Teach a man to fish and he'll forever owe you one for giving him a good way of getting away from the wife at the weekend."

"Give a woman a fish and you'll be sleeping on the couch again."

"Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. Give a man religion and he'll starve to death praying for a fish."

"Give a fish a bicycle, and it falls down all day. Teach a fish to bicycle, and it joins a circus."

--

Filling space until a new signature comes along...
IP: 81.130.216.241
Wenders

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 09/11/2007 14:59:03
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Chinese Sex Therapist
After no dates or sex for 5 yrs a woman goes to see a chinese sex therapist. Dr Chang. He says Take off all your clothes and get down and craw reery, reery fas to other side of room. She does that. Now craw reery, reery fas back. As she did Dr Chang shook is head. Yr problem vewy vewy bad you have worse case of Ed Zachery disease ive ever see, dat why you get no date or sex.

Woman says "oh my god" whats Ed Zachery disease. Dr says its when your face looks Ed Zachery like your arse. Laugh
IP: 86.150.165.12
Wormster

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Joined: 15/08/2006
Location: Top of the Mendip Hills

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 09/11/2007 16:43:39
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Two aliens, Zathar and Caad, landed in the Arizona desert near an abandoned gas station. They approached the gas pumps and Zathar said to it "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader. " The gas pump, of course, did not respond. Zathar repeated the greeting and there was still no response. Annoyed by what he perceived as the gas pump's haughty attitude, Zathar drew his ray gun and said impatiently, "Greetings Earthling, we come in peace. Why do you dare ignore us this way? Take us to your leader now, or I will be forced to fire upon you." Caad began to warn his comrade, "No, you must not anger him................", but ...before he could finish his warning Zathar fired upon the gas pump. There was a huge explosion that blew both of them 200 meters into the desert where they landed in a heap. When they finally regained consciousness (aliens have tough skin) Zathar turned to Caad and said "What a ferocious creature. It nearly killed us. How did you determine it to be so dangerous?" Caad answered, "If there is one thing I have learned in my travels throughout the galaxy, it is that if a guy has a penis he can wrap around himself twice and then stick in his own ear, don't mess with him."

--

Better to regret something you have done - than to regret something you have not done.
IP: 81.151.208.64
Roy Morton

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Joined: 09/10/2007
Location: Redruth Cornwall

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 13/11/2007 02:51:17
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Another Mining Joke.
Two holidaymakers are sitting in a quaint old Cornish pub, pointing and giggling at a bloke standing at the bar with a flat head and a cauliflower ear. A local Sitting nearby interjects saying 'Don't go tekkin the mik out of 'ee boy, that there is Jan Tresidder an 'ee's a hero round these parts' 'Oh Yeah!' says one of the tourists 'And what makes him so special then?' 'Well you listen eer now, that man was down the mine when the roof started to cave in, an ee eld up the roof while fifty men escaped, an thats 'ow 'ee got is flat 'ead!' Both men were now visibly stunned by the tale, and somewhat humbled. 'So how did he get the cauliflower ear then?' said the other. 'well' said the local, 'That's from were they beat 'im into place with the sledge 'ammer!' Shocked Shocked Shocked
IP: 81.178.237.247
tess

Joined: 08/09/2007
Location: coventry

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 20/11/2007 02:02:33
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My mate put on a sad face the other day and told me his wife is now attached to a machine that keeps her alive...Then he smiled and said"its the fridge"

My school has a massive drug problem ,,, Especially class a !!!

Two cannibals eating a clown.. One says to the other does this taste funny to you...


Tweak: Hehe! One removed to protect the innocent Wink

--

Duz tha want it !!
IP: 81.139.25.148 Edited: 20/11/2007 09:15:42 by (moderator)
tess

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Location: coventry

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 21/11/2007 01:53:21
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Scientists plan to create embryos that are part human,part animal.One of their experiments will be to inject human DNA into sheep-already a widespread practice in certain parts of wales.......

--

Duz tha want it !!
IP: 136.8.150.6
Wenders

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 23/11/2007 11:38:31
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The Chicken and The Horse

A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse fall's into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety.

The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's BMW back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper.

He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking!

A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer.

The horse said, "I think I can stand over the hole!" So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, "Grab for my 'thingy' and pull yourself up." And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety.

The moral of the story:
If you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks. Laugh

--

'All I want is a lie-in'
IP: 86.153.53.78
carnkie

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Joined: 07/09/2007
Location: camborne, cornwall

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 23/11/2007 12:27:00
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I have a bed near the window.

The Bathtub Test

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked
the Director how he
determines whether or not a patient should be
institutionalized.

‘Well,’ said the Director, ‘we fill up a bathtub,
then we offer a teaspoon,
a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or
her to empty the bathtub.’

‘Oh, I understand,’ said the visitor. ‘A normal
person would use the bucket
because it’s bigger than the spoon or the teacup.’

‘No.’ said the Director, ‘A normal person would pull
the plug. Do you want a
bed near the window?’
Sad
IP: 88.105.155.211
grahami

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Joined: 29/01/2007
Location: Telford, Shropshire

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 23/11/2007 12:32:25
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This is true, 'cos I was there.

There were these three old welshmen sat on a bench outside the Commercial Hotel in Blaenau at the road junction. While they were enjoying a quiet lunchtime discussion a little sports car drives up from the direction of Dolwyddelan and a snazzily dressed Englishman jumps out and says:
"You there, could you tell me the way to Port Meerion?" in a posh voice.

The man at one end of the bench without interrupting his conversation pointed down the road to TanyGrisiau. After a slight pause the one at the other end pointed in the opposite direction down the road into town.

"Dammit," said the man from the car, obviously annoyed by this lack of certainty, "what do you mean?"

"Well...," said the one in the middle, " it depends, see, on how long you want to take!"

Graham

--

The map is the territory - especially in chain scale.
IP: 212.219.117.101
Wyn

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Joined: 06/06/2007
Location: North Wales

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 23/11/2007 16:00:18
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With regard to Graham's comment.
This is true, 'cos I was there.

I overheard this from an American tourist at Conwy Castle.

"Wow, what a great castle, but it's such a shame they built it so close to the railroad"

Roll Eyes
IP: 217.155.53.153
royfellows

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Joined: 13/06/2007
Location: Great Wyrley near Walsall

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 23/11/2007 16:31:02
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"The Chicken and The Horse"
A lot of you will have seen the state of my Mazda, but not the other bit.

Lets just say that this gives me hope

RF
IP: 78.150.25.210
hymac580c

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Joined: 28/05/2007
Location: Blaenau Ffestiniog

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 23/11/2007 17:41:29
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An American tourist drives over the Migneint in thick fog into Llan Ffestiniog.
Upon entering the 30 mph he sees a farmer in a field and asks him 'where am I'?
And the farmer replies 'in your car'. Wink

--

ADIOS AMIGOS
IP: 195.93.21.71
hymac580c

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 23/11/2007 17:53:02
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An elderly labourerer was pushing a waste slate wagon to be tipped at Diffwys slate mine about 1900. He stoped to light his clay pipe when quite unexpectedly the foreman came around the corner.

The foreman said to the old man, 'if the good lord would have wanted you to smoke that pipe he would have put a chimney upon your head'!

The old man replied, 'if the good lord wanted me to pull this wagon he would have put a hook on my back side'!

--

ADIOS AMIGOS
IP: 195.93.21.71
Wenders

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 23/11/2007 17:58:56
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Willie is driving along the M6 at 105mph when a traffic car pulls him up.
The officer asks him for his driving licence.
"Hivnae got one they took it aff me fur dangerous drivin'" says Willie.
The officer then asks for the vehicle registration documents.
"Nae chance mate, ah stole this car, but ah'll look in the glove compartment where a put ma gun."
"You have a g-g-gun?" asks the cop.
"Aye ah shot the wife dead with it 10 minutes ago," says Willie...Aye the body's in the boot, want a look?" asks Willie calmly.
The cop flees and radios for back up. Soon the M8 is sealed off and armed police officers have Willie surrounded. Willie stands with his hands up.
"What's the problem lads? Here's ma licence and my registration documents."
A nervous policeman takes them and nods they are in order.
"Take the gun out the glove compartment slowly," he is told.
"Theres no gun, Look,"...Willie shows them the empty compartment.
"Show us the body," he's told- the boot is empty.
"Listen pal my officer said you had no licence, had stolen the car, shot your wife and hidden her body in the boot," said the armed policeman.
"Whit? I'll bet the lyin' b*****d told you I was doin' 105 when he stopped me too"... Laugh

--

'All I want is a lie-in'
IP: 86.153.53.78
hymac580c

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 23/11/2007 18:18:01
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A German working in a New Zealand factory walks into the workshop and says to the mechanic,

'I cannot start da fan'.

The mechanic says 'do you mean the extractor fan mate?'

The German replies quite irate 'no da f####### Bedford fan!!


--

ADIOS AMIGOS
IP: 195.93.21.71
Barney

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 28/11/2007 13:00:05
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A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there
stands Bob, the next-door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you
£800 to drop that towel."
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob.
After a few seconds, Bob hands her £800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?"

"It was Bob the next door neighbour," she replies.
"Great!" the husband says, "did he say anything about the £800 he owes me?"


--

C'mon
IP: 86.129.240.157
stevem

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Location: Wirral

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 05/12/2007 10:57:24
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I recently brought a teddy for £10 and called it muhammed

I have now sold it on e-bay for £30

My question is have I made a prophet ?????

Please don't stone me Innocent

--

'gentlemen, gentlemen, you can't fight in here, this is the war room'
IP: 192.171.196.132
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