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Author Vanoord's a Joke
Wormster

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Joined: 15/08/2006
Location: Top of the Mendip Hills

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 19/09/2007 16:31:28
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What's a pirate's favorite song?

"We ARR! the champions!"

Laugh

--

Better to regret something you have done - than to regret something you have not done.
IP: 86.140.105.70
Wenders

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 19/09/2007 17:51:21
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One pirate said to his fellow crewmate, "Arrrgh, that be a fine looking hook and peg leg ye got for ye'self!"

The pirate replied, "I should think so, it cost me and arm and a leg!"

Laugh
IP: 81.153.33.145
Wormster

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 19/09/2007 18:48:29
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Q, What do you call a pirate actor who is very popular?

A, Superstarrrrrrr!

Tongue

--

Better to regret something you have done - than to regret something you have not done.
IP: 86.142.249.48
Vanoord

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 21/09/2007 13:00:16
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Teach yourself Chinese:

Are you harboring a fugitive?- Hu Yu Hai Ding?

See me A.S.A.P. - Kum Hia Nao

Small Horse - Tai Ni Po Ni

Your price is too high - No Bai Dam Thing

Did you go to the beach - Wai Yu So Tan

I bumped into a coffee table - Ai Bang Mai Ni

I think you need a facelift - Chin Tu Fat

It's very dark in here - Wai So Dim?

Has your flight been delayed? - Hao Long Wei Ting?

That was an unauthorized execution - Lin Ching

I thought you said that you going on a diet - Wai Yu Mun Ching?

This is a tow away zone. - No Pah King

You are not very bright - Yu So Dum

I got this for free - Ai No Pei

I am innocent - Wai Hang Mi?

Please, stay a while longer - Wai Go Nao?

Our meeting was scheduled for next week - Wai Yu Kum Nao

They have arrived - Hia Dei Kum

--

Filling space until a new signature comes along...
IP: 81.130.187.225 Edited: 21/09/2007 13:04:17 by Vanoord
Captain Scarlet

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 27/09/2007 13:14:24
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A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and says that her body
hurts wherever she touches it.
"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."
She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony.
She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams.
Everywhere she touches makes her scream.
The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette, are you?"
She says "No, I'm really a blonde".
"I thought so," he says. "You have a broken finger."

--

' ...they passed therein with fear and trembling for the rocks were high above their heads and great stones lay around... '
IP: 195.8.188.42
Barney

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 27/09/2007 13:41:55
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Have you heard about the new 'Bolton Wanderers' bra?

Its got no cups and hardly any support.

--

Myfi na dweud Cymraeg
IP: 86.129.245.169
Vanoord

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 27/09/2007 16:44:22
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Good one, Nimrod Big Grin

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that
morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you
forgot?
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in
voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you ****t'in me?
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was gett'in laid!
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you ****t'in me? Your Honor, I think I need a different
attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on
dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like
to rephrase that?
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go
to?
WITNESS: Oral.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an
autopsy on him!
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________

And the best for last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for
a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive,
nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
practicing law

Lawyer: Your Honour, the defendent is accused of unlawfully have sex with a sheep
Judge: With a ewe?
Lawyer: Pardon, Your Honour?
Judge: With a ewe?
Lawyer: No, Your Honour, he is accused of having sex with a sheep not with me!

Lawyer: "Was that the same nose you broke as a child?"
Witness: "I only have one, you know."

Accused, Defending His Own Case: "Did you get a good look at my face when I took your purse?"
The defendant was found guilty and sentenced to ten years in jail.


Lawyer: "What is your date of birth?"
Witness: "July 15th."
Lawyer: "What year?"
Witness: "Every year."

Lawyer: "Can you tell us what was stolen from your house?"
Witness: "There was a rifle that belonged to my father that was stolen from the hall closet."
Lawyer: "Can you identify the rifle?"
Witness: "Yes. There was something written on the side of it."
Lawyer: "And what did the writing say?"
Witness: "'Winchester'"

Lawyer: "Can you describe what the person who attacked you looked like?"
Witness: "No. He was wearing a mask."
Lawyer: "What was he wearing under the mask?"
Witness: "Er...his face."

Lawyer: "How old is your son, the one living with you?"
Witness: "Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which."
Lawyer: "How long has he lived with you?"
Witness: "Forty-five years."


Lawyer: "Sir, what is your IQ?"
Witness: "Well, I can see pretty well, I think."

Lawyer: "Did you blow your horn or anything?"
Witness: "After the accident?"
Lawyer: "Before the accident."
Witness: "Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it."

Lawyer: "Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?"
Witness: "Yes."
Lawyer: "Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?"
Witness: "Yes, sir."
Lawyer: "What did she say?"
Witness: "'What disco am I at?'"


Lawyer: "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"

Lawyer: "And you check your radar unit frequently?"
Officer: "Yes, I do."
Lawyer: "And was your radar unit functioning correctly at the time you had the plaintiff on radar?"
Officer: "Yes, it was malfunctioning correctly."

Lawyer: "What happened then?"
Witness: "He told me, he says, 'I have to kill you because you can identify me.'"
Lawyer: "Did he kill you?"
Witness: "No."

Lawyer: "Now sir, I'm sure you are an intelligent and honest man--"
Witness: "Thank you. If I weren't under oath, I'd return the compliment."

Lawyer: "You were there until the time you left, is that true?"

Lawyer: "So you were gone until you returned?"

Lawyer: "Were you alone or by yourself?"

Lawyer: "Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?"
Witness: "I went to Europe, sir."
Lawyer: "And you took your new wife?"

Lawyer: "Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?"

Lawyer: "How many times have you committed suicide?"
Witness: "Four times."

Lawyer: "Do you have any children or anything of that kind?"

Lawyer: "You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?"

Lawyer: "You say that the stairs went down to the basement?"
Witness: "Yes."
Lawyer: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"

Lawyer: "Have you lived in this town all your life?"
Witness: "Not yet."

Lawyer: (realizing he was on the verge of asking a stupid question) "Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question."


Lawyer: "What is your brother-in-law's name?"
Witness: "Borofkin."
Lawyer: "What's his first name?"
Witness: "I can't remember."
Lawyer: "He's been your brother-in-law for years, and you can't remember his first name?"
Witness: "No. I tell you, I'm too excited." (rising and pointing to his brother-in-law) "Nathan, for heaven's sake, tell them your first name!"

Lawyer: "Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?"
Witness: "I refuse to answer that question.
Lawyer: "Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?"
Witness: "I refuse to answer that question.
Lawyer: "Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?"
Witness: "No."

Lawyer: "Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?"
Witness: "No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region."

Lawyer: "What is your marital status?"
Witness: "Fair."

Lawyer: "Are you married?"
Witness: "No, I'm divorced."
Lawyer: "And what did your husband do before you divorced him?"
Witness: "A lot of things I didn't know about."

Lawyer: "And who is this person you are speaking of?"
Witness: "My ex-widow said it.

Lawyer: "How did you happen to go to Dr. Cherney?"
Witness: "Well, a gal down the road had had several of her children by Dr. Cherney and said he was really good."


Lawyer: "Were you acquainted with the deceased?"
Witness: "Yes sir."
Lawyer: "Before or after he died?"

The Court: "Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present information and prejudice from your minds, if you have any."

Lawyer: "Did he pick the dog up by the ears?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "What was he doing with the dog's ears?"
Witness: "Picking them up in the air."
Lawyer: "Where was the dog at this time?"
Witness: "Attached to the ears."

Lawyer: "When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?"
Other Lawyer: "Objection. That question should be taken out and shot."


Lawyer: "Did you tell your lawyer that your husband had offered you indignities?"
Witness: "He didn't offer me nothing. He just said I could have the furniture."

Lawyer: "So, after the anesthesia, when you came out of it, what did you observe with respect to your scalp?"
Witness: "I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital."
Lawyer: "It was covered?"
Witness: "Yes, bandaged."
Lawyer: "Then, later on...what did you see?"
Witness: "I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top of my head."

Lawyer: "Could you see him from where you were standing?"
Witness: "I could see his head."
Lawyer: "And where was his head?"
Witness: "Just above his shoulders."

Lawyer: "Do you drink when you're on duty?"
Witness: "I don't drink when I'm on duty, unless I come on duty drunk."

Lawyer: "Any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?"
Witness: "The victim lived."

Lawyer: "The truth of the matter is that you were not an unbiased, objective witness, isn't it? You too were shot in the fracas."
Witness: "No, sir. I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel."

Fella in court for shoplifting.
Magistrate--what did you want viagra for?
Witness--because me thingy does'nt work!
Magistrate--what do you do without it?
Witness-- we have oral sex
Magistrate-- How?
Witness-- We talk about it.

--

Filling space until a new signature comes along...
IP: 81.130.187.225
Wormster

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Joined: 15/08/2006
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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 28/09/2007 12:30:43
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What do you call a female clown?

A clunt.

What's a clown's favourite dessert?

Mississippi Mud Custard Pie

--

Better to regret something you have done - than to regret something you have not done.
IP: 62.171.198.36
Captain Scarlet

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Joined: 07/03/2007
Location: The Cumbrian Underground

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 28/09/2007 13:04:03
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A middle-aged woman was looking at herself in the full length bedroom mirror before getting into bed. "Just look at me" she said. "I'm going grey, my arms have gone all flabby, my boobs have drooped, my tummy is too big and my thighs are all cellulite". Turning to her husband she said "Tell me something positive about myself".

He thought for a moment, and then said "I see your eyesight is still as good as ever"!

--

' ...they passed therein with fear and trembling for the rocks were high above their heads and great stones lay around... '
IP: 195.8.188.42
Wenders

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 28/09/2007 13:34:22
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HUSBAND: Shall we try a different position tonight?
WIFE: That's a good idea.... you stand by the ironing
board while I sit on the sofa and fart. Tongue
IP: 217.44.8.49
Clunk

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 28/09/2007 13:36:44
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One day there will be a decent joke in here. Glare

--

IP: 80.42.128.149
JohnnearCfon

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Joined: 22/12/2005
Location: Sir Caernarfon

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 28/09/2007 14:27:25
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Clunk wrote:

One day there will be a decent joke in here. Glare


No Clunk, indecent jokes are better! Laugh Laugh Laugh

--

Cadwch Cymru'n daclus-Taflwch eich ysbwriel yn LLoeger
IP: 89.241.200.1
Wenders

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 28/09/2007 14:40:54
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Three old men are talking about their aches, pains and bodily functions.
The 70 year old man says, "I have this problem. I wake up every morning at seven and it takes me twenty minutes to pee."
The 80 year old man says, "My case is worse. I get up at eight and I sit there and grunt and groan for half an hour before I finally have a bowel movement."
The 90 year old man says, "At seven I pee like a horse, and at eight I crap like a cow."
So what's your problem?" ask the others.
"I don't wake up until nine!"

Oops
IP: 217.44.8.49
hymac580c

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Joined: 28/05/2007
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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 28/09/2007 17:18:47
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What do you call an intelligent blonde??

Labrador. Big Grin

--

ADIOS AMIGOS
IP: 195.93.21.71
Vanoord

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 28/09/2007 17:20:15
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"Can I have some Irish Sausages, please?" asked the Irishman, walking up to the counter.
The assistant looked at him and asked: "Are you Irish?"

"If I had asked you for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?" demanded the Irishman indignantly.
"Or, if I asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?"
Then, warming to his theme, he went on: "Or if I asked you for a Kosher hot dog, would you ask me if I was Jewish?"
"Or, if I asked you for a taco, would you ask me if I was Mexican?! Would Ya? Would Ya?"

The assistant said: "Well, erm...no."
So, now bursting with righteous indignation, the Irishman says:"Well, all right then, why did you ask me if I'm Irish just because I asked for Irish sausages?"

The assistant replied: "Because you're in f***ing Homebase"

--

Filling space until a new signature comes along...
IP: 81.130.187.225
Vanoord

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 28/09/2007 17:22:00
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A very inebriated man walks into a nightclub and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walks over to her, places his hand up her skirt and begins fondling her. Instantly, she jumps up and slaps him silly.
"I'm sorry," the drunk stammers. "I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."
"Why you drunken, worthless, insufferable ******* ," screams the woman.
"That's funny," he mutters back. "You sound like her, too."

--

Filling space until a new signature comes along...
IP: 81.130.187.225
Vanoord

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 28/09/2007 17:22:24
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A woman gets on a bus with her baby. As she pays for her ticket, the bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen. Ugh!"
The woman sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!"
The man says: "You shouldn't take that. You tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey."

--

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Vanoord

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 28/09/2007 17:27:54
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Padddy was driving home drunk when he suddenly swerved to miss a tree.

And then swerved to miss another.

Then another.

Then another.

And another.

Moments later, a police car pulls him over and Padddy tells him about the trees. The copper says: "Bejeezuzs, Padddy thats your ******** air freshener!"

--

Filling space until a new signature comes along...
IP: 81.130.187.225 Edited: 28/09/2007 17:30:10 by Vanoord
Wenders

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 28/09/2007 19:42:17
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This old lady walks into the Doctor's office and says,
"Doctor, please help me. I have a terrible problem with
farting. It's not really a social problem, because you can't smell it or hear it, but I must have farted 20 times since talking to you." The Doctor nods his head and says, "Take this bottle of pills and use them all. When they are all gone in about 2 weeks, come back to see me." The old lady comes back 2 weeks later and is angry. She says "What was in those pills? I fart just as much. You still can't hear them, but now they smell horrible!" The Doctor again nods his head and says, "Great, that takes care of your sinus problem, now let's work on your hearing." Blink
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Clunk

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 28/09/2007 20:00:14
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This old boy, hobbles into the doctor's.
Slowly settles himself into the chair.
The doctor, puts down his notes and looks up.
'Ah Mr Richards, what seems to be the problem?'
'Well doc', replies Mr Richards, 'I have a problem with wind.'
'Really? What do you mean?'
'Well, it is a bit embarrassing'
'It's OK, I'm a Doctor.'
'Well doc, when I fart, it sounds like a motorbike.'
'Really?'
'Yes'
'Well to diagnose this properly, I will have to hear one of these farts'
'Well now you come to mention it doc, i have one brewing now'
'Quick, drop your trousers and get on all fours and let us all hear this amazing occurance.'
So the old boy gets on all fours and all of a sudden, the room is filled with the sound of his farts
hhhhhhhhhooooooooonnnnnnnnnnnnddddddddaaaaaaaaaa
'Hmmmm', exclaims the doc with tears running down his cheek. 'I think we will have to get some specialists in'
'Well I do have another one coming'
So the doctor gets a cork and shoves it up the old boys arse and gets on the phone to the specialists.
10 minutes later (private. None of this nhs bollocks in my jokes, ta), they are all gathered round the blokes arse.
The GP pulls out the cork with a satisfying 'pop'.
Then the room is filled once again with the sound...
hhhhhhhoooooooonnnnnnnnddddddddaaaaaaaa
The experts start getting their tools out and poke and prod making the old boy pull some rather peculiar faces. Eventually, the old boy is asked to dress.
'Well Mr Richards, we have found the problem.'
'Really? What is it?'
'Its when you don't know what's wrong but that isn't important right now, but what is important is that you have an abscess'
'An abscess? How does that make my farts sound like a motorbike?'
'Havent you ever heard?' said the doc



(I am getting my coat ready)






'An abscess makes a fart go Honda'






--

IP: 80.42.128.149
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