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Author Vanoord's a Joke
Roy Morton

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Joined: 09/10/2007
Location: Redruth Cornwall

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 23/12/2015 02:29:08
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Google translation is just as mysterious to us sassenachs Confused

--

'Bid me discourse, I will enchant thine ear'
IP: 81.151.57.217
skimble

Joined: 23/06/2008
Location: Gwynedd

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 23/12/2015 14:20:45
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Roy Morton wrote:

Google translation is just as mysterious to us sassenachs Confused


Here's sinker's joke translated into English:

Doctor, doctor, I've swallowed a snake!

How do you feel?

SSSSssssssssick ...


You haven't missed much. Laugh
IP: 82.71.4.122 Edited: 23/12/2015 14:30:00 by skimble
sinker

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Joined: 13/12/2010
Location: North Wales.

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 23/12/2015 14:53:22
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When you buy Welsh Christmas crackers, that is about the standard of the jokes.....Laugh

--

Ah, well, now, you see.... IP: 85.255.233.29
TwllMawr

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Joined: 28/11/2014
Location: Snowdonia

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 23/12/2015 17:47:04
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The Gorilla Catcher...
This bloke wakes up one morning to find a gorilla up his garden tree. He gets his phone book to look up a gorilla removal service in the yellow pages. The gorilla service fella says he can help him out but he needs to know if its a male or female gorilla. The man runs outside, checks it out and tells the service fella its a male gorilla. The service fella says, "OK, I'll be right over."

A short time later the service fella shows up with a stick, a Chihuahua, a shotgun, and a pair of handcuffs. He then gives the man some instructions: "Now, I'm going to climb this tree and poke the gorilla with the stick until he falls. When he does, the trained Chihuahua will attack the gorilla's testicles. The gorilla will then reach for his testicles to protect himself and that's when you snap the handcuffs on him."

"OK, the man says, but what do I do with the shotgun?"

The service fella replies,"If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla, shoot the Chihuahua."


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'Nitrate of Ammonium: If not too generously applied these explosives make an excellent manure' IP: 92.17.218.194
Peter Burgess

Joined: 01/07/2008
Location: Merstham. Or is it Godstone ...... ?

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 05/02/2016 21:27:08
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Another reason why you should never throw things down shafts.

Two men were walking through the woods and came upon a big, black, deep hole. One man picked up a rock and tossed it into the hole and stood listening for the rock to hit bottom.

Nothing.

He turned to the other guy and said

"that must be a deep hole...let's throw a bigger rock in there and listen for it to hit bottom."

The men found a bigger rock and both picked it up and lugged it to the hole and dropped it in.

They listened for some time and....nothing.

Again, they agreed that this must be one deep hole and maybe they should throw something even bigger into it.
One man spotted a big log nearby.

They picked it up, grunting and groaning, and threw it to the hole, listening intently......nothing.

All of a sudden, a goat came flying out of the woods, running like the wind, and flew past the men and jumped straight into the hole.

The men were astounded.

They walked on through the woods, and a little later met an old farmer who asked the men if they had seen a goat.

One man told the farmer of the incredible incident they had just witnessed...they had just seen this goat fly out of the woods, and run and leap into the big hole.

He asked the farmer if this could have been his goat.

The old farmer said

"Naw, that can't be my goat...he was chained to a big log."

--

There isn't enough time!
IP: 81.174.175.203
rikj

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Joined: 27/12/2008

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 05/02/2016 23:16:43
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I suspect the above has an element of truth:

http://www.bbc.co.uk/radio2/shows/simon-mayo/confessions/classic-confessions-goat/



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IP: 86.169.13.201 Edited: 05/02/2016 23:17:50 by rikj
royfellows

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Joined: 13/06/2007
Location: Great Wyrley near Walsall

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 06/02/2016 09:28:33
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and there was the real joke!

"That sobered us right up and we left early the next day – for Devon. No mines there!"

--

If someone spends money advertising a 'free' download then we are not being told something. HANDS OFF OUR COMPUTERS.
IP: 2.97.76.187
sinker

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Location: North Wales.

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 06/02/2016 09:57:12
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A couple are rushing into the hospital because the wife is going into labour. As they walk in, a doctor says to them that he has invented a machine that can divide the pain of childbirth between the mother and father.

They agree to it and are led into a room where they get hooked up to the machine. The doctor starts it off at 20% split to the father. The wife says, "Oh, it's working that's much better. The pain is receding." The husband says he can't feel anything.

Then the doctor turns it to 50% and the wife says that it doesn't hurt nearly as much. The husband says he sill can't feel anything.

The Doctor, now encouraged, turns it up to 100%. The husband still can't feel anything, the wife is really happy because there is now no pain at all for her, the baby is born and all is well.

Everything is great until the next day when the couple go home and find the postman dead on the doorstep.

Roll Eyes

--

Ah, well, now, you see.... IP: 86.140.77.38
legendrider

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Joined: 13/07/2014
Location: Darlington

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 06/02/2016 10:17:19
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Mummy and Daddy Balloon are asleep in bed. Their young son, Billy Balloon wakes up in the night and goes into his parents bedroom.

Unfortunately theres not enough room in the bed for all three, so he undoes his fathers knot slightly and releases a little air. There's still not enough room, so he deflates his mother slightly. And still theres not quite enough room so he lets a little bit of pressure out from his own knot, making just enough room in the bed for all three.

In the morning his father is furious, and he says

"Son, you've let me down, you've let your mother down, but worst of all, you've let yourself down!"

MARK




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festina lente IP: 86.146.85.125
Roy Morton

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 06/02/2016 12:34:30
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There was me thinking the weather was bad LaughLaughLaugh

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"If whippets int' bath, where's t' coal!?"
IP: 81.151.57.217
legendrider

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 06/02/2016 13:44:41
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Its atrocious!!

Perfect weather for doing the books and sorting out that almost-overdue VAT return Sleeping

and buying the pies for tomorrows trip through the Chamber of Horrors and beyond the Chasm of Doom Thumbs Up

MARK

--

festina lente IP: 86.146.85.125
Roy Morton

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Location: Redruth Cornwall

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 03/04/2016 23:50:58
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I was really bad yesterday. I swallowed a Yo-Yo for a bet; I was up and down all night.

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"If whippets int' bath, where's t' coal!?"
IP: 86.185.68.17
Roy Morton

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 08/04/2016 02:16:28
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Sounds about right!



--

"If whippets int' bath, where's t' coal!?"
IP: 86.185.68.17
lozz

Joined: 03/08/2012
Location: Cornwall

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 24/04/2016 15:06:50
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A bloke is pulled over on the motorway traveling at 90 mph,

the Police Officer asks him to produce his license to which the man replies,


"I don't have one , I've lost it for the third time for drink driving"

Is that right Sir, can I see your registration documents for the vehicle,

"Well, that'll be tough, I stole this car you see, and more to the point I murdered the owner and put the body in the boot, if you want I'll show you" As he heads toward the rear of the car.

No no it's ok Sir, if you can just hand me your car keys I have to get in touch with the Sergeant.

The driver hands over his keys, within 5 minutes there are half dozen Police cars, and an armed response unit with hi viz everywhere.

The Sergeant walks gingerly up to the driver and says,

"My officer there, says you do not have a valid driving license"

The man produces a clean license,

"Oh, well, he says you stole this car and murdered the owner and you bundled the body into the boot"

The man produces his proof of ownership, and opens the boot to display nothing but the spare wheel.

The man then shakes his head and says

"Aye, and I'll bet the b**tard told you I was speeding as well"

Smile

Lozz.
IP: 31.50.83.129
lozz

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Location: Cornwall

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 22/05/2016 13:37:49
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Wife texts her handyman husband on a cold winter morning:
"WINDOWS FROZEN ~ WON'T OPEN"

Husband texts back:
"GENTLY POUR SOME LUKEWARM WATER
OVER THE EDGES
AND THEN TAP EDGES SHARPLY
WITH HAMMER"


Wife texts back 5 minutes later:

"LAPTOP REALLY BUGGERED NOW"

Lozz.
IP: 81.153.14.149
Roy Morton

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Location: Redruth Cornwall

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 08/08/2016 02:00:58
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Tim Vine.....

I was sitting in my car waiting for the missus, when I was suddenly passed by three trees, a bollard, and some woman shouting something about a handbrake!



--

"If whippets int' bath, where's t' coal!?"
IP: 81.151.60.74
lozz

Joined: 03/08/2012
Location: Cornwall

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 08/08/2016 09:29:51
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Why does an elephant have big ears...


'cos Noddy won't pay the ransom.

I'll get m' coat.

Lozz.
IP: 81.153.32.118
Roy Morton

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 06/09/2016 00:27:30
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A Teddy bear working on a building site breaks for lunch. On his return he cant find his pick anywhere.
Down at the site office he confronts the foreman about his missing tool.
The foreman says "Sorry, I forgot to tell you, today's the day that teddy bears have their pick nicked"

--

"If whippets int' bath, where's t' coal!?"
IP: 86.163.202.239
Roy Morton

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 18/01/2017 21:23:50
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Knock Knock!

Who's there?

M A B it's a big horse!

M A B its a big horse who?

(sings) M A B its a big horse I'm a Londoner..........



Yeah yeah... I'll get my coat.........



--

"If whippets int' bath, where's t' coal!?"
IP: 86.189.158.133
sinker

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Joined: 13/12/2010
Location: North Wales.

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 19/01/2017 20:12:46
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Man sends a text to his next-door neighbour:

“Dave, I’m sorry. I’ve been riddled with guilt for months and I have to confess something to you. Dave, I have been helping myself to your wife when you're out at work..... I know it’s no excuse but I don’t get it at home.
I can’t live with the guilt and shame any longer. I hope you’ll accept my sincerest apologies. I promise it won’t happen again.”

Feeling outraged and betrayed, Dave grabs his shotgun, goes into the bedroom, and without a word, shoots his wife.

Moments later Dave gets a second text:

“I really should use spell check! That should be ‘wifi’.”

Laugh Laugh

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Ah, well, now, you see.... IP: 109.148.204.184
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