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Author Vanoord's a Joke
royfellows

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Joined: 13/06/2007
Location: Great Wyrley near Walsall

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 23/07/2015 14:44:14
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We all have different opinions and different views on everything, its the nature of mankind. If we all thought the same we would have nothing to talk about.

I have been pondering on whether this type of thread belongs on here or UKC, we already have 4 subjects which the 'unwritten law of AN' proscribes.

I expect that whatever anyone says about anything could cause offence to someone.

Someone on UKC described it as "racist fascist sh1T" or similar yet most of the 'joke' seems to deal with deteriorating standards.
I know that attitudes change as do the meaning of certain words, so is a fascist someone who cannot see an economy as being sustainable where most of the goods consumed are imported and major growth industries produce nothing but more rods for our own backs, tails wag the dogs, and everyone is equal but some more equal than others and not slow to take advantage of it?

Or is a fascist someone who voted for Cameron or UKIP?

Personally, I am gravelly concerned about HS2 and its impact on our countryside, so what does that make me?

Rant over, admins please give this a respectable time and then delete if you wish. No offence to be taken.

To offend me you have work really hard it, but being on old git I am seriously out of touch.

--

Everyone is liable to everyone else for everything, except for those who don't want to be, and they are not liable to anyone for anything.
IP: 2.100.143.228 Edited: 23/07/2015 14:52:41 by royfellows
Mr Mike

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Location: Bury - In The Laboratory

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 23/07/2015 15:03:17
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What a palava! I found it funny, even if it is erring to the state of things, but it's just a 'joke' and not more than that.

It has been removed from UK Caving, but that in itself is a joke. Someone mentioned racist over there and so out it goes, however in the same thread there is a joke:

I've learnt that if a man talks dirty to a woman it's sexual harassment but if a woman talks dirty to a man it costs £4.95 a minute!!

Now this is 'obviously sexist', but it is deemed OK to keep it. What a load of cr*p.

Jesus (sorry to hurt the feelings of anyone really into religion by blaspheming), take it for what it is. By all the clucking here and there you would think there is a subliminal message in it, maybe something like, read it 666 times and you will join the BNP and start eating babies for breakfast.

If there was an emoticon that yawned, I would add it to the end of this post. Rant over.

--

Mr Mike www.mineexplorer.org.uk
IP: 88.104.12.108
gNick

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Joined: 19/03/2012
Location: Pity Me, Durham

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 23/07/2015 15:21:32
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royfellows wrote:

Personally, I am gravelly concerned about HS2 and its impact on our countryside, so what does that make me?
quote]

Presumably if you are 'gravelly' concerned you are worried about the how HS2 will affect the area and transport infrastructure between Erdington and Aston?

I am a sad person on several fronts including spelling and geography...


--

Give a man a fire and he will be warm for a day. Set a man on fire and he will be warm for the rest of his life.
IP: 195.12.27.234
royfellows

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Location: Great Wyrley near Walsall

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 23/07/2015 19:02:51
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Me puzzled Nick.
Silly typo OK, but geography?
Have I missed something.
HS2 route London to Manchester and Leeds

Years before computers and the damned keyboards I could type perfect letters on an Adler portable typewriter I still have.
Big Grin

--

Everyone is liable to everyone else for everything, except for those who don't want to be, and they are not liable to anyone for anything.
IP: 2.100.143.228
royfellows

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 23/07/2015 19:09:28
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I know what I am now by opposing HS2

A Woodite

boom boom
Laugh

--

Everyone is liable to everyone else for everything, except for those who don't want to be, and they are not liable to anyone for anything.
IP: 2.100.143.228
gNick

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 23/07/2015 20:23:30
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Gravelly, as in Gravelly Hill, a location to the East of Birmingham between Erdington and Aston, famed for the internationally renowned Gravelly Hill Interchange (Spaghetti Junction in the vernacular) where road, rail and canal pass in a tortured cacophony.

Obviously my mind is further west than usual - check please!

--

Give a man a fire and he will be warm for a day. Set a man on fire and he will be warm for the rest of his life.
IP: 2.28.99.181
royfellows

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 23/07/2015 21:21:02
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Mmmm, 6 out of 10
Big Grin


--

Everyone is liable to everyone else for everything, except for those who don't want to be, and they are not liable to anyone for anything.
IP: 2.100.143.228
sinker

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Location: North Wales.

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 23/07/2015 23:59:15
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gNick wrote:



.......Gravelly Hill.....famed for the internationally renowned Gravelly Hill Interchange (Spaghetti Junction in the vernacular) where road, rail and canal pass......



Also famed for a pub called the Armada....what a place! Shocked

--

Detonators should, if practicable, be taken out to sea and thrown overboard in deep water. IP: 109.155.48.100
Dickie Bird

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 29/07/2015 14:37:14
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For those of you who, like me, do not use and cannot comprehend why Facebook
exists, I thought you may be interested in a little social experiment I am
conducting.

I am trying to make new friends outside of Facebook while applying the same
principles. Therefore, every day I take a walk in the nearby small town and
tell passers by what I have eaten, how I feel at the moment, what I have
done the night before, what I will do later and with whom.

I give them pictures of my family, our dogs, ‘selfies’ of me gardening,
taking things apart in the garage, watering the lawn, standing in front of
landmarks, driving around town, having lunch and generally doing what
anybody and everybody does every day.

I also listen to their conversations, give them the "thumbs up" and tell
them I like them.

And it works just like Facebook.

I already have four people following me: two police officers, a private
investigator and a psychiatrist.


--

'Photographers deal in things which are continually vanishing and when they have vanished there is no contrivance on earth which can make them come back again' [Henri Cartier Bresson] IP: 92.2.144.185
pedrgogh

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Joined: 31/08/2009
Location: S E England

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 29/07/2015 15:12:04
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Dickie Bird wrote:

For those of you who, like me, do not use and cannot comprehend why Facebook
exists, I thought you may be interested in a little social experiment I am
conducting.

I am trying to make new friends outside of Facebook while applying the same
principles. Therefore, every day I take a walk in the nearby small town and
tell passers by what I have eaten, how I feel at the moment, what I have
done the night before, what I will do later and with whom.

I give them pictures of my family, our dogs, ‘selfies’ of me gardening,
taking things apart in the garage, watering the lawn, standing in front of
landmarks, driving around town, having lunch and generally doing what
anybody and everybody does every day.

I also listen to their conversations, give them the "thumbs up" and tell
them I like them.

And it works just like Facebook.

I already have four people following me: two police officers, a private
investigator and a psychiatrist.


You got that out of this months "Oldie".
Now the fact that I read it says some thing about me.
IP: 88.110.59.143
Dickie Bird

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Joined: 20/07/2008
Location: Somewhere near the Steel City (as was)

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 29/07/2015 17:11:47
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No, not heard of that august publication.. came from a chum of mine, like this one.

It was the first day back at school in Birmingham and the teacher began calling out the names of the pupils...

"Mustafa Al Azheri?" "Here."
"Achmed El Kabul?" "Here."
"Fatima Bin Badir?" "Here."
"Ali Abdul Alami?" "Here."
"Mohammed Bin Kadir?" "Here."
"Ali Son al En?"

Silence in the classroom.

"Ali Son al En?"

Continued silence, as everyone looked around the room.

The teacher repeated the call,

"Ali Son Al En?"

Finally, a girl stood up and said, "Sorry, teacher, I think that's me.
It's pronounced Allison Allen."

--

'Photographers deal in things which are continually vanishing and when they have vanished there is no contrivance on earth which can make them come back again' [Henri Cartier Bresson] IP: 92.2.144.185
dwarrowdelf

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Joined: 09/02/2011
Location: Lost in Cwmorthin...and Oakeley too !!

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 29/07/2015 18:04:49
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Dickie Bird wrote:

For those of you who, like me, do not use and cannot comprehend why Facebook
exists, I thought you may be interested in a little social experiment I am
conducting.

I am trying to make new friends outside of Facebook while applying the same
principles. Therefore, every day I take a walk in the nearby small town and
tell passers by what I have eaten, how I feel at the moment, what I have
done the night before, what I will do later and with whom.

I give them pictures of my family, our dogs, ‘selfies’ of me gardening,
taking things apart in the garage, watering the lawn, standing in front of
landmarks, driving around town, having lunch and generally doing what
anybody and everybody does every day.

I also listen to their conversations, give them the "thumbs up" and tell
them I like them.

And it works just like Facebook.

I already have four people following me: two police officers, a private
investigator and a psychiatrist.


Thumbs Up

I'm not on Facebook either Smile

--

'I wonder how many breakfasts, and other meals we have missed inside that nasty clockless, timeless hole?' 'The Hobbit' J R R Tolkien.
IP: 90.194.108.168 Edited: 29/07/2015 18:05:57 by dwarrowdelf
legendrider

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Joined: 13/07/2014
Location: Darlington

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 29/07/2015 20:08:39
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I only have two words to say about Facebook - and one of them is 'Facebook'

MARK

--

festina lente IP: 86.156.168.252
RockChick

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Location: Chester

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 25/08/2015 09:18:14
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From the Edinburgh Fringe, top 10 funniest jokes:

1."I just deleted all the German names off my phone. It's Hans free" - Darren Walsh

2."Kim Kardashian is saddled with a huge arse ... but enough about Kanye West" - Stewart Francis

3."Surely every car is a people carrier?" - Adam Hess

4."What's the difference between a 'hippo' and a 'Zippo'? One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter" - Masai Graham

5."If I could take just one thing to a desert island I probably wouldn't go" - Dave Green

6."Jesus fed 5,000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread. That's not a miracle. That's tapas" - Mark Nelson

7."Red sky at night. Shepherd's delight. Blue sky at night. Day" - Tom Parry

8."The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper. She was wearing massive gloves" - Alun Cochrane

9."Clowns divorce. Custardy battle" - Simon Munnery

10."They're always telling me to live my dreams. But I don't want to be naked in an exam I haven't revised for..." - Grace The Child


--

Crocodile 1, Space ship 0!
IP: 164.39.193.224
Roy Morton

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Location: Redruth Cornwall

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 25/08/2015 11:57:25
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Stevie Wonder is gigging in Tokyo. He's nearing the end of the show and a little Japanese guy jumps out of his seat and shouts at the top of his voice 'Play a jazz chord!'
Amazed the guy knows about the jazz influences in his music, Stevie dives right in to an E minor scale and then free blows a ripping solo around it for ten minutes. The crowd went wild.
The little old guy shouts Nah! Nah! Nah!, Play a jazz chord. Stevie turns to the band, nods, and counts them in.
They play a rendition of Herbie Hancock's Cantaloupe Island with improvised solos from the band members. Once again, the crowd raise the roof with enthusiasm.
Nah! Nah! Nah!, the guy shouts again, 'Play a jazz chord, Play a jazz chord!!!!'

The impresario is now clearly pissed off and shouts,
'IF YOU CAN DO ANY BETTER THAN THAT, THEN GET UP HERE AND DO IT!'
The little guy climbs up on the stage, grabs the mike and starts to sing....
'A jazz chord to say I ruv you.......'

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
And now for rude one.............Blush

A guy gets shipwrecked on a beautiful desert island and over time he gets set up pretty well.
One day he's doing his daily beach-comb when he spots a woman emerging from the surf. As he nears her he notices it's Halle Berry.
She tells him that she is the sole survivor of a plane crash and he takes her back to his camp.
over the next few months they become intimate lovers, and then one day he says to her, Halle, will you do me a special favour?'
'Yeah sure ' she says sexily, 'what d'ya have in mind?'
'Well would you cut your hair really short and let me call you Ted?'
' Hmmm, that sounds kinda weird' she replies , 'but...OK!'
'Great ' he says
That evening they are walking along the beach and he turns to her and says 'hey Ted, you'll never guess who I'm shagging!'















--

'Bid me discourse, I will enchant thine ear'
IP: 109.157.69.31
legendrider

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 24/10/2015 17:24:41
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Rumour has it that Vauxhall is about to unveil a replacement for the troubled Zafira, in a joint venture with Volkswagen.

Well, there's no smoke without fire....

MARK

--

festina lente IP: 86.146.84.141
Roy Morton

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Location: Redruth Cornwall

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 08/12/2015 01:04:54
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Jimmy Saville, Rolf Harris and Stuart hall walk into an Irish pub.
The barman says 'Not yew tree again'

--

'Bid me discourse, I will enchant thine ear'
IP: 81.151.57.217 Edited: 08/12/2015 01:06:45 by Roy Morton
solomonkey

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 15/12/2015 07:26:16
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yeah, bloody woodites ! trying to save the countryside ,,,,, should be ashamed of yourself Smile IP: 92.40.249.172
DylanW

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Location: Blaenau Ffestiniog

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 22/12/2015 16:09:50
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Cnoc cnoc!

"Pwy sydd 'na?"

"Iorweth!"

"Iorweth, pwy?"

"I-orweth mewn preseb...!"

--

A sibrydodd yn welw ei wedd, rhowch garrag las ar fy medd, o chwaral y Penrhyn, lle' r euthym yn blentyn i'r gwaith.
IP: 86.129.198.236
sinker

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Location: North Wales.

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 22/12/2015 16:54:17
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Doctor, doctor, dwi wedi llynci neidr!




Syt ti'n teimlo?




Ssssssâl......


Laugh

--

Ah, well, now, you see.... IP: 109.155.55.192
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