Mine exploration, photographs and mining history for mine explorers, industrial archaeologists, researchers and historians Mine explorer and mining history videos on YouTube Connect with other mine explorers on Facebook
Tip: do not include 'mine' or 'quarry', search by name e.g. 'cwmorthin', use 'Sounds like search' if unsure of spelling

Advanced Search
'Sounds like search'
Quick a b c d e f g h i j k l m n o p q r s t u v w x y z
Tip: narrow down your search by typing more than one word and selecting 'Search for all words' or 'Exact search'

Search for any word
Search for all words
Exact search
Tip: narrow down your search by typing more than one word and selecting 'Search for all words' or 'Exact search'

Search for any word
Search for all words
Exact search

Mine Exploration Forum

Jump to page << < 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 35 > >>
Author Vanoord's a Joke
Mr Mike

Avatar of Mr Mike

Joined: 09/06/2007
Location: Bury - In The Laboratory

View Profile
View Posts
View Personal Album
View Personal Files
View all Photos
Send Private Message
Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 12/09/2014 07:49:24
Reply |  Quote
royfellows wrote:

From 1960s spy movie:

"I need to know what the Chinese are planning"

A: They going to flood the country with cheap LED torches and bike lights
Laugh


Jesus Roy, you've got Chinese LEDs on the brain !

--

Mr Mike www.mineexplorer.org.uk
IP: 79.70.78.189
sinker

Avatar of sinker

Joined: 13/12/2010
Location: North Wales.

View Profile
View Posts
View Personal Album
View Personal Files
View all Photos
Send Private Message
Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 12/09/2014 08:09:20
Reply |  Quote
I'm currently reading a really interesting book called

"Anti-gravity and Weightlessness Explained."

Its a great read. In fact I can't put it down.....


Laugh

--

Agent of evolution. IP: 176.227.140.239
royfellows

Avatar of royfellows

Joined: 13/06/2007
Location: Great Wyrley near Walsall

View Profile
View Posts
View Personal Album
View Personal Files
View all Photos
Send Private Message
Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 12/09/2014 09:59:50
Reply |  Quote
Mr Mike wrote:

royfellows wrote:

From 1960s spy movie:

"I need to know what the Chinese are planning"

A: They going to flood the country with cheap LED torches and bike lights
Laugh


Jesus Roy, you've got Chinese LEDs on the brain !


Sounds very bizarre surgery

--

As the chairman of six different caving clubs I cant find the time to go underground.
IP: 92.24.120.52
Mr Mike

Avatar of Mr Mike

Joined: 09/06/2007
Location: Bury - In The Laboratory

View Profile
View Posts
View Personal Album
View Personal Files
View all Photos
Send Private Message
Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 12/09/2014 10:21:03
Reply |  Quote
No doubt illuminated by a Chinese LED theater light....

--

Mr Mike www.mineexplorer.org.uk
IP: 79.70.78.189
sinker

Avatar of sinker

Joined: 13/12/2010
Location: North Wales.

View Profile
View Posts
View Personal Album
View Personal Files
View all Photos
Send Private Message
Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 12/09/2014 12:59:52
Reply |  Quote

Anybody need a new Hoover?




I've got a spare one at home gathering dust.....

--

Agent of evolution. IP: 176.227.140.239
Roy Morton

Avatar of Roy Morton

Joined: 09/10/2007
Location: Redruth Cornwall

View Profile
View Posts
View Personal Album
View Personal Files
View all Photos
Send Private Message
Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 05/11/2014 00:33:22
Reply |  Quote
I've just been given two weeks to live....
My wife's going away for a fortnight

--

'Bid me discourse, I will enchant thine ear'
IP: 86.178.129.67
gNick

Avatar of gNick

Joined: 19/03/2012
Location: Pity Me, Durham

View Profile
View Posts
View Personal Album
View Personal Files
View all Photos
Send Private Message
Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 05/11/2014 12:33:09
Reply |  Quote
At DFS a job I have landed
But I don’t get paid for the first five years

--

Give a man a fire and he will be warm for a day. Set a man on fire and he will be warm for the rest of his life.
IP: 195.12.27.234
Roy Morton

Avatar of Roy Morton

Joined: 09/10/2007
Location: Redruth Cornwall

View Profile
View Posts
View Personal Album
View Personal Files
View all Photos
Send Private Message
Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 20/11/2014 01:06:08
Reply |  Quote
My Young nephew is just plain weird.
The other day he asked me what I thought of Balotelli.
I told him I'd seen it in Tesco's but never tried it.
He gave me such a strange look!
I dunno.......Kids!

--

'Bid me discourse, I will enchant thine ear'
IP: 217.42.173.117
lozz

Joined: 03/08/2012
Location: Cornwall

View Profile
View Posts
View Personal Album
View Personal Files
View all Photos
Send Private Message
Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 22/12/2014 19:59:20
Reply |  Quote
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TAb99FAxDkU

Lozz.
IP: 81.157.28.249
Dickie Bird

Avatar of Dickie Bird

Joined: 20/07/2008
Location: Somewhere near the Steel City (as was)

View Profile
View Posts
View Personal Album
View Personal Files
View all Photos
Send Private Message
Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 23/12/2014 10:03:39
Reply |  Quote
Just found these jokes...love 'em

Here's one for the Festive Season

Two men taking a leak in a pub's long stainless steel urinal. One on the left says to the other "Excuse me, hope you don't mind me observing, but I couldn't help noticing you were circumcised"
One on the right says " Yes, I am actually but didn't think you could see. So how on earth did you know?"
One on the left says, "Because I know the doctor that did it"
"Impossible" says the one on the right "That was 48 years or so ago".
"Well" says the guy on the left "It was Doctor Greensmith who had a surgery at 16 Wellington Place, Highbridge, Somerset".

The other chap is visibly shaken. "That's right" he says, "But how on earth could you possibly know that after all this time?"

"Well" says the other "I happened to be a trainee medic in those days and it was widely known that Doctor Greensmith always cut them on the slant and you are currently p****sing on my foot"!

--

'Photographers deal in things which are continually vanishing and when they have vanished there is no contrivance on earth which can make them come back again' [Henri Cartier Bresson] IP: 92.2.153.29
Roy Morton

Avatar of Roy Morton

Joined: 09/10/2007
Location: Redruth Cornwall

View Profile
View Posts
View Personal Album
View Personal Files
View all Photos
Send Private Message
Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 16/04/2015 04:14:06
Reply |  Quote
with the general election on our doorstep, to say little of the politicians, I thought it a good time to post this quote from that master of quips Groucho Marx.

'Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, Diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies'

Things haven't changed too much then....Laugh

--

'Bid me discourse, I will enchant thine ear'
IP: 109.154.137.229
legendrider

Avatar of legendrider

Joined: 13/07/2014
Location: Darlington

View Profile
View Posts
View Personal Album
View Personal Files
View all Photos
Send Private Message
Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 18/04/2015 19:17:16
Reply |  Quote
Back to the Urinal.....

A guy goes into the bogs for a pee, and as he does so the chap standing next to him commences full flow, spraying them both with cascades of warm amber liquid.

"What the hell do you think you're doing!!" he yells.

"Sorry" says the other guy "I have this condition... just look"

so he has a look at the other guys old man and its full of holes like a pepper pot.

The first guy reaches into his pocket, saying "well, I have a friend who might be able to help" and hands him a business card.

"Great" says the other guy, "is he a surgeon?"

"No, a clarinet player"



--

festina lente IP: 81.155.20.35
ant89

Joined: 01/04/2013
Location: Wrexham

View Profile
View Posts
View Personal Album
View Personal Files
View all Photos
Send Private Message
Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 23/04/2015 14:11:17
Reply |  Quote
Was having a chat with an old friend who I had not seen in a while.

Me: I met a human the other day.
Them: You've met one today too.
Me: No, not a human.. Ok I'll spell it out for you. A.H.U.G.H M.A.N.N.
Them: Ohhh! Ahugh Mann! Cool! I've got some of his books.
IP: 83.216.155.133
Mr Mike

Avatar of Mr Mike

Joined: 09/06/2007
Location: Bury - In The Laboratory

View Profile
View Posts
View Personal Album
View Personal Files
View all Photos
Send Private Message
Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 22/07/2015 06:09:08
Reply |  Quote
Lifted this one from Caving UK...


Teaching Maths in Britain

1. Teaching Maths In 1960
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100..
His cost of production is 4/5 of the price.
What is his profit?

2. Teaching Maths In 1970
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
His cost of production is 80% of the price.
What is his profit?

3. Teaching Maths In 1980
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
His cost of production is £80.
How much was his profit?

4. Teaching Maths In 1990
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
His cost of production is ?80 and his profit is £20.
Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

5. Teaching Maths In 2000
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands.
Your assignment: Discuss how the birds and squirrels might feel as the logger cut down their homes just for a measly profit of £20.

6. Teaching Maths In 2010
A logger is arrested for trying to cut down a tree in case it may be offensive to Muslims or other religious groups not consulted in the felling licence. He is also fined a £100 as his chainsaw is in breach of Health and Safety legislation as it deemed too dangerous and could cut something... He has used the chainsaw for over 20 years without incident. However he does not have the correct certificate of competence and is therefore considered to be a recidivist and habitual criminal. His DNA is sampled and his details circulated throughout all government agencies. He protests and is taken to court and fined another £100 because he is such an easy target.
When he is released he returns to find Gypsies have cut down half his wood to build a camp on his land. He tries to throw them off but is arrested, prosecuted for harassing an ethnic minority, imprisoned and fined a further £100. While he is in jail again the Gypsies cut down the rest of his wood and sell it on the black market for £100 cash. They also have a departure BBQ of squirrel and pheasant and leave behind several tonnes of rubbish and asbestos sheeting.
The forester on release is warned that failure to clear the fly infested rubbish immediately at his own cost is an offence. He complains and is arrested for environmental pollution, breach of the peace and invoiced £12,000 plus VAT for safe disposal costs by a regulated government contractor.

Your assignment: How many times is the logger going to have to be arrested and fined before he realises that he is never going to make £20 profit by hard work, give up, sign onto the dole and live off the state for the rest of his life?

7. Teaching Maths In 2015
A logger doesn't sell a lorry load of timber because he can?t get a loan to buy a new lorry because his bank has spent all his and their money on a derivative of securitised debt related to sub-prime mortgages in America and lost the lot with only some government money left to pay a few million pound bonuses to their senior directors and the traders who made the biggest losses.

The logger struggles to pay the £1,200 road tax on his old lorry. However, as it was built in the 1970s it no longer meets the emissions regulations and he is forced to scrap it.

Some Bulgarian loggers buy the lorry from the scrap merchant and put it back on the road. They undercut everyone on price for haulage and send their cash back home, while claiming unemployment for themselves and their relatives. If questioned they speak no English and it is easier to deport them at the governments expense. Following their holiday back home they return to the UK with different names and fresh girls and start again. The logger protests, is accused of being a bigoted racist and as his name is on the side of his old lorry he is forced to pay £1,500 registration fees as a gang master.

The Government borrows more money to pay more to the bankers as bonuses are not cheap. The parliamentarians feel they are missing out and claim the difference on expenses and allowances. You do the maths.

8. Teaching Maths 2020
????? ???? ???? ?? ??????? £100 ..
?? ????? ??????? 4/5 ?? ?????.

?? Those question marks are supposed to be in Arabic, can paste into editor and look fine, but when posted, tun into question marks.



--

Mr Mike www.mineexplorer.org.uk
IP: 88.104.8.170 Edited: 22/07/2015 06:11:34 by Mr Mike
JohnnearCfon

Avatar of JohnnearCfon

Joined: 22/12/2005
Location: Sir Caernarfon

View Profile
View Posts
View Personal Album
View Personal Files
View all Photos
Send Private Message
Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 22/07/2015 07:43:02
Reply |  Quote
Mr Mike,

Can I draw your attention to the heading of this thread, it includes the word "joke". This is far too near the truth to be considered any kind of joke. Ban Me


Laugh Thumbs Up Laugh
IP: 92.3.3.179
christwigg

Avatar of christwigg

Joined: 20/02/2008
Location: Cleveland / North Yorkshire

View Profile
View Posts
View Personal Album
View Personal Files
View all Photos
Send Private Message
Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 22/07/2015 08:25:22
Reply |  Quote
I'm assuming that ones from the Daily Express joke book ? IP: 94.6.188.69
royfellows

Avatar of royfellows

Joined: 13/06/2007
Location: Great Wyrley near Walsall

View Profile
View Posts
View Personal Album
View Personal Files
View all Photos
Send Private Message
Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 22/07/2015 09:40:48
Reply |  Quote
I agree with John, too near the truth to be funny.

--

Everyone is liable to everyone else for everything, except for those who don't want to be, and they are not liable to anyone for anything.
IP: 2.100.143.228
legendrider

Avatar of legendrider

Joined: 13/07/2014
Location: Darlington

View Profile
View Posts
View Personal Album
View Personal Files
View all Photos
Send Private Message
Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 22/07/2015 13:04:34
Reply |  Quote
Went round to my mates house last night and his 7-year old lad is wandering round with a hammer banging nails into everything - the kitchen table, the telly, the sofa, the walls, the floor. I says to him "That boy must cost you a fortune" he replies "nah - I get the nails for nowt at work"

Laugh?.... I thought I'd never start

MARK
IP: 86.152.228.86
Boy Engineer

Joined: 20/06/2008
Location: Derby

View Profile
View Posts
View Personal Album
View Personal Files
View all Photos
Send Private Message
Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 22/07/2015 22:45:31
Reply |  Quote
Lifted this one from Caving UK...
Rather wish it had been left there...
IP: 95.146.5.69
NigelH

Joined: 04/02/2010
Location: Sutton Coldfield

View Profile
View Posts
View Personal Album
View Personal Files
View all Photos
Send Private Message
Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 23/07/2015 12:48:40
Reply |  Quote
Boy Engineer wrote:

Lifted this one from Caving UK...

From whence it has since been removed.
IP: 217.158.23.43
Jump to page << < 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 35 > >>
Safety LED Miners Caplamps Moore Books: Specialist Books I.A. Recordings: Mining and Industrial History DVDs Starless River - Caving Store Explore a Disused Welsh Slate Mine
Disclaimer: Mine exploring can be quite dangerous, but then again it can be alright, it all depends on the weather. Please read the proper disclaimer.
© 2005 to 2015 AditNow.co.uk
Top of Page