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Mine Exploration Forum

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Author Vanoord's a Joke
Roy Morton

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Joined: 09/10/2007
Location: Redruth Cornwall

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 08/04/2013 14:28:40
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Margaret Thatcher has died. If you see Sid can you tell him.

--

'Bid me discourse, I will enchant thine ear'
IP: 86.132.227.130
NigelH

Joined: 04/02/2010
Location: Sutton Coldfield

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 09/04/2013 12:54:56
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Yeah, she's only been in Hell for a few hours and she's already shut down three furnaces.
Devil
IP: 82.33.244.186
Roy Morton

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Joined: 09/10/2007
Location: Redruth Cornwall

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 14/04/2013 04:20:34
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My young niece asked me what I thought about the iPhone 5.
I told her they are probably all innocent

--

'Bid me discourse, I will enchant thine ear'
IP: 86.152.103.12
sinker

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Joined: 13/12/2010
Location: North Wales.

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 14/04/2013 22:32:29
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I phoned the Aquarium to book some tickets.

The person who answered the phone said "First you must repeat the following phrases....."

"Jump through this hoop"
"Catch this fish"
"Balance this ball on your nose"
"Do a back-flip"

I was then told that my call may be recorded for training porpoises.

Laugh

--

Agent of evolution..... IP: 86.171.200.40
JohnnearCfon

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Joined: 22/12/2005
Location: Sir Caernarfon

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 19/04/2013 20:06:39
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In the year 2013, the Lord came unto Noah, Who was now living in America and said:
"Once again, the earth has b...ecome wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me."
"Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans."

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying:
"You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no Ark."Noah!," He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"

"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed."
"I needed a Building Permit."
"I've been arguing with the Boat Inspector about the need for a sprinkler system."

"My homeowners association claim that I've violated the
Neighborhood by-laws by building the Ark in my back yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the local Planning Committee for a decision."

"Then the City Council and the Electricity Company demanded a shed load of money for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear none of it."

"Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the Greater Spotted Barn Owl."
"I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!"

"When I started gathering the animals, PETA took me to court. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodations were too restrictive and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space."

"Then the Environmental Protection Agency ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on Your proposed flood."

"I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew."

"The Immigration Dept. Is checking the visa status of most of the people who want to work."
"The labor unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only union workers with ark-building experience."

"To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species."
"So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this ark."

"Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine and a rainbow stretched across the sky."

Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"

"No," said the Lord. " The Government beat me to it."
IP: 92.19.164.57
lozz

Joined: 03/08/2012
Location: Cornwall

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 19/04/2013 20:47:55
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Classic..

Lozz
IP: 86.166.3.200
lipsi

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Joined: 20/04/2008
Location: Worcester, England

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 20/04/2013 18:55:28
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I've just found out why Maggie was so popular in the Falkland Islands after the war with the Argies.

She got rid of all the mines!

--

Where there's a mine or a hole in the ground. That's where I'm heading for that's where I'm bound So follow me down Cousin Jack (Grateful thanks to Show of Hands)
IP: 86.179.68.191
lipsi

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Joined: 20/04/2008
Location: Worcester, England

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 20/04/2013 18:57:39
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So what was alleged with Rolf Harris then - bondage with a kangaroo, or 2 little boys? Now I think I know where all the heavy breathing came from on his records.

--

Where there's a mine or a hole in the ground. That's where I'm heading for that's where I'm bound So follow me down Cousin Jack (Grateful thanks to Show of Hands)
IP: 86.179.68.191
Roy Morton

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Joined: 09/10/2007
Location: Redruth Cornwall

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 20/04/2013 21:14:49
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Perhaps it wasn't just a Kangaroo he was tying down sport. Roll Eyes

--

'Bid me discourse, I will enchant thine ear'
IP: 109.152.90.146
Wormster

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Joined: 15/08/2006
Location: Top of the Mendip Hills

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 20/04/2013 21:21:06
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I've always been a bit dubious of his record "Thunderthighs, she rise in the Morning!!"

--

Better to regret something you have done - than to regret something you have not done.
IP: 109.144.197.98
Roy Morton

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Location: Redruth Cornwall

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 02/05/2013 04:15:11
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PC WORLD: Good morning Can I help you?

MURPHY: Thanks I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.

PC WORLD: Mac?

MURPHY: No, the name's Paddy.

PC WORLD: Your computer?

MURPHY: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

PC WORLD: Mac?

MURPHY: I told you, my name's Paddy.

PC WORLD: What about Windows?

MURPHY: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

PC WORLD: Do you want a computer with Windows?

MURPHY: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

PC WORLD: Wallpaper.

MURPHY: Never mind the windows.. I need a computer and software.

PC WORLD: Software for Windows?

MURPHY: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write letters, or work out my expenses What do you have?

PC WORLD: Office.

MURPHY: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

PC WORLD: I just did.

MURPHY: You just did what?

PC WORLD: Recommend something.

MURPHY: You recommended something?

PC WORLD: Yes.

MURPHY: For my office?

PC WORLD: Yes.

MURPHY: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

PC WORLD: Office.

MURPHY: Yes, for my office!

PC WORLD: I recommend Office with Windows..

MURPHY: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a letter. What do I need?

PC WORLD: Word.

MURPHY: What word?

PC WORLD: Word in Office.

MURPHY: The only word in office is office.

PC WORLD: The Word in Office for Windows.

MURPHY: Which word in office for windows?

PC WORLD: The Word you get when you click the blue 'W'.

MURPHY: I'm going to click your blue 'w' if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?

PC WORLD: Money.

MURPHY: That's right. What do you have?

PC WORLD: Money.

MURPHY: I need money to track my money?

PC WORLD: It comes bundled with your computer.

MURPHY: What's bundled with my computer?

PC WORLD: Money.

MURPHY: Money comes with my computer?

PC WORLD: Yes. No extra charge.

MURPHY: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

PC WORLD: One copy.

MURPHY: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

PC WORLD: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

MURPHY: They can give you a license to copy money?

PC WORLD: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

(A few days later)

PC WORLD: Good morning. Can I help you?

MURPHY: How do I turn my computer off?

PC WORLD: Click on 'START'.............
(Author unknown)

---------------------------------------------------------------
Wayne and Waynetta, pissed out of their minds, were in Tesco’s to buy more lager when they stumbled upon a weekly charity raffle.
“I’m feelin lucky” slurs Wayne, “Gimme 5 tickets”.
“Me too“says Waynetta.
The following week, when the raffle was drawn, each learned that they had won a prize.
Wayne won 1st prize, a year's supply of gourmet spaghetti.
Waynetta won 6th prize, a toilet brush.
After a week Waynetta asked Wayne how he liked his prize, to which Wayne replied, “Rubbish! I normally love spaghetti, but this stuff is all hard and crunchy!"
"How about you? Says Wayne, How's the toilet brush?"
"Not so good," replied Waynetta.
"I reckon I'm gonna go back to using paper."


--

'Bid me discourse, I will enchant thine ear'
IP: 86.153.210.189 Edited: 02/05/2013 04:38:18 by Roy Morton
sinker

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Joined: 13/12/2010
Location: North Wales.

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 17/05/2013 10:46:53
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I got flagged down on the side of the road the other night by a guy in a tractor.
He was shouting "The end of the world is nigh! The world will end tomorrow!"

It was Farmer Geddon. Laugh

--

Agent of evolution..... IP: 82.132.216.222
lozz

Joined: 03/08/2012
Location: Cornwall

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 17/05/2013 11:14:50
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Woman having a mid life crisis decides to have some cosmetic surgery done.
She decides on a bit of a tighten up and goes for the designa virgina operation.....all goes well.
She wakes up the next morning in the ward.
The nurse brings her a bunch of red roses.
The woman says "Those are nice who are they from?"
The nurse says " They are from the gentleman in the next bed, he just wants to thank you for his new ears"

Lozz.
IP: 86.163.129.212
crickleymal

Joined: 12/03/2009
Location: Gloucester

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 17/05/2013 13:43:22
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Laugh Laugh
and oh dear too.
IP: 194.176.105.144
Roy Morton

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Joined: 09/10/2007
Location: Redruth Cornwall

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 25/05/2013 23:11:36
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Freddy Star, Rolf Harris, Bill Roach, Garry Glitter...........Looks like the prison panto's gonna be a blinder this year. Innocent

--

'Bid me discourse, I will enchant thine ear'
IP: 81.155.155.245
lozz

Joined: 03/08/2012
Location: Cornwall

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 26/05/2013 14:02:23
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A father asked his ten year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.

"I don't want to know!" the child said, bursting into tears. "Promise me you won't tell me."

Confused, the father asked what was wrong.

"Oh dad," the boy sobbed, "when I was six I got the there's no Santa speech.

At seven, I got the there's no Easter Bunny speech.

When I was eight, you hit me with the there's no Tooth Fairy' speech.

If you tell me that grown-ups don't really f**k, I'll have nothing left to live for."

Lozz.
IP: 86.130.233.83
Roy Morton

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Location: Redruth Cornwall

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 27/05/2013 01:36:51
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A steam enthusiast died today when he was dragged into the locomotive he was working on. A witness said he was chuffed to bits.

--

'Bid me discourse, I will enchant thine ear'
IP: 86.153.45.205
Roy Morton

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Location: Redruth Cornwall

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 27/05/2013 23:56:50
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First Margaret Thatcher dies, and then Alex Ferguson resigns.
Somewhere there's a scouser with a magic lamp and one wish left!

--

'Bid me discourse, I will enchant thine ear'
IP: 86.153.45.205
Roy Morton

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Location: Redruth Cornwall

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 27/08/2013 00:24:49
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A bald guy walks into a pub with two massive rabbits on his head. He takes a seat and orders a drink.
After ten minutes the barman, unable to contain his curiosity asks "what's the deal with the big rabbits?"
"Well" says the guy "from a distance they look like hares"

--

'Bid me discourse, I will enchant thine ear'
IP: 217.42.169.98
Vodor

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Joined: 14/08/2013
Location: Cornwall

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 27/08/2013 22:59:40
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10 Ways To Know You Are Addicted To Mine Exploration

1) You haven't used a light switch in years, the headtorch is far to convenient
2) You have removed the stairs to your basement in favour of SRT
3) Your rope spends more time in the bath than you do
4) This forum is your Homepage
5) Your shoelaces are tied with a rethreaded figure of eight
6) Your key ring Is a karabiner
7) When discussing your funeral arrangements you are disappointed to learn the hole will only be 6 feet deep
8) You have more mine maps than Street maps
9) Your doorway is in the shape of an adit
10) You cant recognise your closest friends in sunlight
Big Grin
IP: 86.178.128.169
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