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Mine Exploration Forum

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Author Vanoord's a Joke
sinker

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Joined: 13/12/2010
Location: North Wales.

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 06/02/2013 16:40:11
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Laugh Laugh Very good! Thumbs Up

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Crime doesn't stand a chance .... IP: 5.61.193.72
sinker

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Joined: 13/12/2010
Location: North Wales.

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 06/02/2013 17:04:08
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My wife told me she was leaving me because I knew the cost of everything but the value of nothing.

So I said " I suppose you'll need the £6.30 for the taxi fare to the railway station...."

--

Crime doesn't stand a chance .... IP: 5.61.193.72
Roy Morton

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Joined: 09/10/2007
Location: Redruth Cornwall

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 07/02/2013 00:53:20
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Tocsin wrote:

Great news that Richard III's skeleton has been identified and reassembled.

I love it when a Plantagenet comes together.


Excellent! Thumbs Up

--

'Bid me discourse, I will enchant thine ear'
IP: 109.154.138.45
Roy Morton

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 08/02/2013 00:15:05
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The level of literacy among youths in British prisons is apalling - personaly I blame short sentences.

Heard on a Radio 4 comedy program.

--

'Bid me discourse, I will enchant thine ear'
IP: 109.157.27.20
sinker

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 08/02/2013 13:19:39
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Findus have apologised after up to 100% horse meat was found in their Beef Lasagnes.
They have denied reports that traces of Sea-horse were found in their fish fingers.


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Crime doesn't stand a chance .... IP: 5.61.193.72
SimonRL

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Joined: 27/11/2005
Location: North Wales

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 08/02/2013 15:21:25
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I was in a pub in London last week and this African guy comes in with a bucket and says to the barman "can you fill this up for me please". Anyway, the barman says "of course I can mate, but how far have you walked with that?" to which the guy says "you cheeky ****, I'm a window cleaner". IP: 95.147.205.240
Roy Morton

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 08/02/2013 23:17:34
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Q - What does a Findus Lasagna and the baby Jesus have in common?

A - They were both born in a stable Shocked

--

'Bid me discourse, I will enchant thine ear'
IP: 109.157.27.20 Edited: 09/02/2013 00:06:28 by Roy Morton
Roy Morton

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 16/02/2013 00:08:25
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The assistant asked me if I would like anything on my burger. She was not amused when I said £20 each way.

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'Bid me discourse, I will enchant thine ear'
IP: 109.157.27.20 Edited: 16/02/2013 00:58:46 by Roy Morton
lozz

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 16/02/2013 12:29:46
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Two young lovers desperate to couple up are walking down a country lane.
They climb over a gate into a farmers field.
There's no one around so they lie in the grass and couple up.
She hears something coming!
She says "Oh my god it's a bull, what are we going to do"
He says " I'm gonna get on my hands and knees and eat grass, you'd better brace yourself"

Lozz.
IP: 86.129.227.60
Roy Morton

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 18/02/2013 22:46:59
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As the evidence stacks up against Oscar Pistorius, it's looking more and more like he hasn't got a leg to stand on.

--

'Bid me discourse, I will enchant thine ear'
IP: 109.157.27.20
Roy Morton

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 23/02/2013 23:58:30
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A bloke goes to a club to meet his girlfriend and is stopped at the door by the bouncer.
"Sorry mate, you can't come in without a tie"
The bloke pleads with him, "Aw come on bud my girlfriend is in there I promised to meet her"
The bouncer is unswerving, "No tie, no entry, end of!"
Dejected, the guy goes back to his car. It's too far to drive back home to get one, and anyway his girlfriend has the keys to the flat.
Desperate, he hunts through the car looking for something to fashion a tie out of.
Minutes later he's back at the club door with a set of jump leads round his neck; the bouncer smirks.
"Nice try mate" but seeing the forlorn look on the guys face, he has a moment of compassion and says "OK, just this once....BUT HEY!.......Don't start anything!"





--

'Bid me discourse, I will enchant thine ear'
IP: 109.150.51.143
Lister

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Joined: 07/10/2007
Location: Helsby, Cheshire

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 25/02/2013 21:37:52
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Red nose day is upon us again next month. I hope you are all going to contribute in some small way. Just think about this;

Every £5 you donate helps one African distinguish between his wife & an intruder!

--

'Adventure is just bad planning' Roald Amundsen
IP: 89.243.142.33
markc

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Joined: 04/02/2008
Location: Atherstone, Warwickshire

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 26/02/2013 11:52:15
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Shoot first, ask questions later!

Now where have I heard that before??
IP: 86.20.127.44
lozz

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Location: Cornwall

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 14/03/2013 22:39:51
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An old one but heard it again the other day.

Woman at home alone in the shower...

The door bell rings..

She runs to the hallway and asks "who is it"...

"It's the blind man" came the reply..

She opens the door...

"Nice tits, where d'yer want yer blinds hanging"

Lozz.
IP: 81.157.28.74
sinker

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Joined: 13/12/2010
Location: North Wales.

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 02/04/2013 08:20:34
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My son ate 12 Kinder Eggs yesterday.

He's full of surprises......



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Agent of evolution..... IP: 82.132.214.244
lozz

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Location: Cornwall

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 02/04/2013 18:36:36
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Two old blokes chatting away, one says to the other "Tell me what's made your marriage last so long?"

"Oh various things" he said.

"Such as"

"Well the first thing I did was to take her on an African safari for the honeymoon"

"What else?"

"I'm going to pick her up next week"

Lozz.
IP: 86.174.59.86 Edited: 02/04/2013 18:39:43 by lozz
Roy Morton

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 05/04/2013 00:55:56
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Heard this at our monthly club meeting.

A vicar is induging in a little private relief in his bedroom. Putting himself straigh he notices the window cleaner staring in. Redfaced he heads off downstairs and then hears a knock at the door. He opens the door to find the window cleaner standing there. 'Err - how much do I owe you?'
'100 pounds' says the opportunistic window cleaner. The vicar pays him and quickly shuts the door.
Just then his wife calls through from the kitchen, ' A hundred quid to clean the windows!!!' 'he certainly saw you coming!'

--

'Bid me discourse, I will enchant thine ear'
IP: 81.129.151.190
lozz

Joined: 03/08/2012
Location: Cornwall

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 05/04/2013 09:08:13
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Virgin vicar on his first experience...

All goes well..

Next morning she slips from between the sheets..

She opens the curtains to let the morning sun light in..

He say's "Fantastic...Two more"

Lozz.
IP: 86.174.59.86
Roy Morton

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Location: Redruth Cornwall

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 06/04/2013 04:46:28
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I met a French guy once who had an irrational fear of the number 8.
I guess he was huit intollerant.

--

'Bid me discourse, I will enchant thine ear'
IP: 217.44.25.207
lozz

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Location: Cornwall

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 06/04/2013 09:01:52
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Two blondes walk into a building...

You'd think one of them would have seen it.


Lozz.
IP: 86.174.59.86
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