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Author Vanoord's a Joke
Daz

Joined: 16/07/2009
Location: Helston. Cornwall.

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 17/01/2012 13:19:15
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Wife says to husband. "How many woman have you slept with?" Husband proudly replies, "Only you darling - With all the others, I didn't sleep at all!" Big Grin

--

Daz
IP: 92.18.57.206
Yorkshireman

Joined: 23/06/2011
Location: Hanover, Germany

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 17/01/2012 13:31:35
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Husband asks wife at his deathbed: "Darling, have you always been true to me?"
She: "Dearest, I must confess, there were two times I wasn't"
He: " Oh, in 54 years of marriage, I can forgive you that - would you tell me who it was?"
She " Yes dear, the Black Dyke MIlls Band and the Royal Philharmonic Orchestra" (to get some culture back into this thread) Wink
IP: 91.43.122.103
Roy Morton

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Joined: 09/10/2007
Location: Redruth Cornwall

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 19/01/2012 03:39:56
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Just a few silly ones.......

Just found pebbles stuck in my pond filter.
Fred and Wilma are going to be devastated
------------------------------------------------
What's blue and not heavy?
Light Blue.
------------------------------------------------------------
Towards the end of the Jurassic period, the Thesaurus was the first dinosaur to become extinct, obsolete, belated, vanished and wiped out.
-----------------------------------------------------------
If the Devil punishes bad people, why is he considered evil?
-------------------------------------------------------------
I said to this bloke, "It's quiet in here tonight."
He said, "I know, this is my living room. The pub's next door, you drunken #&%$!."
-----------------------------------------------------------
I've got a drinking habit.
An alcoholic monk gave it to me.


--

'Bid me discourse, I will enchant thine ear'
IP: 81.151.47.99
Lister

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Joined: 07/10/2007
Location: Helsby, Cheshire

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 19/01/2012 07:28:38
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We were watching the news the other night about that strickened cruise ship, the Sky reporter said "She's lying on here side with a gash the size of a tennis court" at which point I just happened to glance at the wife & that's how it it all kicked off!! Shocked

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'Adventure is just bad planning' Roald Amundsen
IP: 92.28.75.103
sinker

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Joined: 13/12/2010
Location: North Wales.

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 19/01/2012 08:25:22
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Shocked I wasn't going to post a joke about it.....but now someone else has put one up first I don't feel so bad!




A man telephones a toy shop and asks “Do you have a model of the Costa Concordia cruise ship?”

Shop owner replies “Yes, but I only have one left.”

Man replies “Great, I’ll come over later to collect it. Can you put it on one side for me......?”


--

O'r graig, egni.
IP: 81.152.89.77
Monty Stubble

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Joined: 03/04/2008
Location: , Location, Location

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 28/01/2012 09:36:14
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I walked home and said to my Wife,

"I've been so busy I don't know whether I'm coming or going!!"

She Replies,

"By the look on your face you're going. Because when you're coming you look like a stroke victim trying to whistle!"

--

The finest workers in stone are not copper or steel tools, but the gentle touches of air and water working at their leisure with a liberal allowance of time. Henry David Thoreau
IP: 82.18.201.87
RJV

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Joined: 16/03/2008
Location: Cleveland

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 28/01/2012 19:11:21
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My boss told me that my grammar was appalling so I told him that his grandad was a c*nt. IP: 86.19.189.129
sinker

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Joined: 13/12/2010
Location: North Wales.

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 14/07/2012 14:01:12
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I have a dog called "Blacksmith".





Why is he called Blacksmith??





"I kicked him and he made a bolt for the door".


Roll Eyes

--

Because it's a challenge.....it's a challenge for me and it's a challenge for the coracle. But mainly because it's been done before....
IP: 82.132.246.76
Roy Morton

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Joined: 09/10/2007
Location: Redruth Cornwall

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 04/08/2012 03:26:53
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I was on the bus today when an inspector got on and said to me, "Ticket please!"

Not one to make him feel embarrassed, I leant over and whispered, "You have to buy them off the driver, mate."


--

'Bid me discourse, I will enchant thine ear'
IP: 86.160.170.134
Lister

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Joined: 07/10/2007
Location: Helsby, Cheshire

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 04/08/2012 21:50:35
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The Olympic Chinese ladies swiming final today is expected to smash the world record by 10 seconds. Che Ting Fook said she is very optimistic!


--

'Adventure is just bad planning' Roald Amundsen
IP: 92.28.66.148
Roy Morton

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Location: Redruth Cornwall

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 06/08/2012 03:06:21
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A wagon load of timber posts and barbed wire was delivered to the olympic stadium today, ahead of the arrival of the Irish fencing team.

--

'Bid me discourse, I will enchant thine ear'
IP: 86.147.245.122
Roy Morton

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Location: Redruth Cornwall

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 29/08/2012 03:50:02
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A young woman came up to me today and said she recognised me from vegetarian club.
I was confused, I'd never met herbivore.

This weeks movers and shakers on the stock market:-
Helium was up, but feathers were down. Paper was stationary, and pencils lost a few points. Lifts rose but escalators continued their slow decline. Switches were off and mining equipment hit rock bottom. The raisin market has dried up. Pampers remained unchanged while Andrex tissues touched a new bottom.


--

'Bid me discourse, I will enchant thine ear'
IP: 31.53.195.215
sinker

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Location: North Wales.

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 29/08/2012 09:16:57
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If there were only three Women left in the entire world, you would still find two of them stood in a corner talking about the other one! Innocent



--

Because it's a challenge.....it's a challenge for me and it's a challenge for the coracle. But mainly because it's been done before....
IP: 82.132.216.222
SimonRL

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Joined: 27/11/2005
Location: North Wales

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 31/08/2012 00:32:27
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I have developed a sudden and irrational fear of German sausage.

I fear the Vurst.

--

Half the lies you tell ain't true
IP: 95.147.207.70
Monty Stubble

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Joined: 03/04/2008
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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 25/11/2012 08:37:26
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For all those readers of 50 shades...

"Hurt me!" she begged, raising her skirt as she bent over my workbench.

"Very well," I replied. "You've got fat ankles and no dress sense."

"Punish me!" she cried. "Make me suffer like only a real man can!"

"Very well," I replied, leaving the toilet seat up.









--

The finest workers in stone are not copper or steel tools, but the gentle touches of air and water working at their leisure with a liberal allowance of time. Henry David Thoreau
IP: 90.246.253.102 Edited: 25/11/2012 08:38:39 by Monty Stubble
Monty Stubble

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 25/11/2012 08:48:44
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I was visiting Northern Ireland and asked the cabbie what he thought of County Down....

The cabbie say's....

'Its been rubbish ever since Carol Vorderman left...'











--

The finest workers in stone are not copper or steel tools, but the gentle touches of air and water working at their leisure with a liberal allowance of time. Henry David Thoreau
IP: 90.246.253.102
Monty Stubble

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 25/11/2012 08:52:59
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I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed.

At first I was afraid.......then I was petrified.







--

The finest workers in stone are not copper or steel tools, but the gentle touches of air and water working at their leisure with a liberal allowance of time. Henry David Thoreau
IP: 90.246.253.102
Roy Morton

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 26/11/2012 00:51:46
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Joe says to Paddy: "Close your curtains the next time you're shagging your wife. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday." Paddy says: "Well the joke's on them stupid bastards because I wasn't even at home yesterday."

Mick walks into Paddy's barn and catches him dancing naked and playing with himself in front of a tractor.. Mick says, "Oh, no, Paddy, what ya doing?" Paddy says, "Well me and Mary haven't been getting on in the bedroom lately & the therapist recommended I do something sexy to attracter.....

Paddy says to Mick - I'm ready for a holiday, only this year I'm going to do it a bit different. 3 years ago I went to Spain and Mary got pregnant. 2 years ago I went to Italy and Mary got pregnant. Last year I went to Majorca and Mary got pregnant. Mick asks - So what are you going to do this year?. Paddy replies, - I'll take her with me!

Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on a Friday this year".... Mick says "Let's hope it's not the 13th."

Paddy & Mick find three grenades, so they take them to a police station. Mick: "What if one explodes before we get there?" Paddy: "We'll lie and say we only found two."




IP: 109.157.27.126
fjällvandring

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Joined: 05/03/2012
Location: Carlisle, Cumbria

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 26/11/2012 03:10:06
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True story happened on saturday:

I was listening to Lordi (Finnish metal band) with earphones in a jewelry shop, my girlfriend was looking at stuff to buy for family members so I stuck around. Apparently I kept loudly knocking jewelry off shelves when I turned round corners, this happened a couple of times before my girlfriend told me. I found it funny and started laughing, but then a few minutes later I managed to dislodge some spray cans, the lady in the shop smiled at me and picked them up. I smiled back but then started laughing hysterically and had to leave the shop.

--

jeg elsker Norge, landets dialekter, folk, landskap og naturen!
IP: 95.148.10.51
sinker

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 28/11/2012 21:26:22
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I walked out of my job at the Helium Baloon Company today.

I told the boss "You can't talk to me like that...."



--

Crime doesn't stand a chance .... IP: 31.54.180.49
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