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Mine Exploration Forum

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Author Vanoord's a Joke
Roy Morton

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Joined: 09/10/2007
Location: Redruth Cornwall

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 03/11/2011 02:02:07
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Speaking of Mr Savile

[/flink

Laugh

--

'Bid me discourse, I will enchant thine ear'
IP: 86.150.101.209
Roy Morton

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Joined: 09/10/2007
Location: Redruth Cornwall

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 04/11/2011 04:55:14
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I think the dipstick in my car is wearing out.
It doesn't reach the oil anymore.
Laugh

Some say a world without sin is ideal, but I disagree. After all, there's only so many problems which can be answered with cos and tan.

--

'Bid me discourse, I will enchant thine ear'
IP: 86.150.101.209
JohnnearCfon

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Joined: 22/12/2005
Location: Sir Caernarfon

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 08/11/2011 17:23:00
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Theresa Mays Immigration Policy

KNOCK KNOCK

Theresa : "Come in"



I see that she has "the PM's full support" - that's her job gone then!
IP: 78.150.210.74
ICLOK

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Joined: 19/02/2008
Location: Ripley, Derbyshire up North.

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 08/11/2011 20:34:39
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V Good Laugh

--

As politically correct as a Nuremberg Rally
IP: 78.150.154.64
LeeW

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Joined: 28/07/2007
Location: Somewhere

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 08/11/2011 21:17:04
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What's red and smells like blue paint?

..........


..........

Red paint.

--------------------------------------------

A little boy catches his mum riding his dad. The boy ask's "mummy, what are you doing?" The mother replies "Daddy's got a big belly so I get on top to help flatten it," The boy say's "Your wasting your time, because when your out shopping the lady next door get's down on her knees and blows it back up"


IP: 86.11.200.126
Roy Morton

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Location: Redruth Cornwall

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 10/11/2011 23:56:11
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Lee, that's as bad as Alexi Sayle's 'What's brown and sticky?.........A stick!'

Laugh
I dunno....the dafter they are the better I like em.........

Thumbs through yellow pages looking for Psychoanalysts......

--

'Bid me discourse, I will enchant thine ear'
IP: 86.150.102.234
Aditaddict

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 07/12/2011 18:54:55
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I went to the Doctor with a badly bruised cock ,he said how on earth did you do that ?
I said it was a surfing accident
Did you catch it on your board ?
No , wife came home early and i had to shut my laptop !
Big Grin
IP: 81.109.226.72
ICLOK

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Joined: 19/02/2008
Location: Ripley, Derbyshire up North.

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 07/12/2011 20:26:39
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I was sat working the otherday in the office, when one of the guys came over and said, "we are doing a big push to raise money for charity this year and are thinking of entering a Marathon run".
I replied, "Guys do I look the Marathon running type"?
He replied, "But it's for the disabled".....

I thought about this before replying, "Yeah f**k it, why not, I'd beat them easy"...... Blink

--

As politically correct as a Nuremberg Rally
IP: 2.98.190.103 Edited: 07/12/2011 20:28:44 by ICLOK
NigelH

Joined: 04/02/2010
Location: Sutton Coldfield

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 08/12/2011 14:08:31
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I've replaced my bed with a trampoline. My wife hit the roof. IP: 82.33.244.186
JohnnearCfon

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Joined: 22/12/2005
Location: Sir Caernarfon

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 09/12/2011 16:43:11
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48 phrases that we wish could be used at work:-

1. Ahhh... I see the f_ck-up fairy has visited us again...

2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

3. How about never? Is never good for you?

4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.

6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...

8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.

10. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of censored.

11. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

13. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.

14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental...

19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?

20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

23. No, my powers can only be used for good.

24. You sound reasonable... Time to up the medication.

25. Who me? I just wander from room to room.

26. And your crybaby whiny-ass opinion would be...?

27. Do I look like a people person?

28. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

29. I started out with nothing and still have most of it left.

30. You!... Off my planet!

31. Does your train of thought have a caboose?

32. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

33. A PBS mind in an MTV world.

34. Allow me to introduce my selves.

35. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

36. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

37. Not all women are annoying. Some are dead.

38. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

39. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

40. Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet

41. Can I trade this job for what's behind door one?

42. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

43. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

44. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.

45. How do I set a laser printer to stun?

46. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted the paychecks.

47. If I throw a stick, will you leave?

48. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

IP: 78.150.133.22
Rossony

Joined: 14/07/2009

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 09/12/2011 19:34:51
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Timmy: Why are camels called the ships of the desert?

Tommy: Because they are filled with Arab seamen. Confused

--

If it cannot be grown, it has to be mined.
IP: 70.66.69.88
sinker

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Joined: 13/12/2010
Location: North Wales.

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 09/12/2011 19:54:13
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Rossony wrote:

Timmy: Why are camels called the ships of the desert?

Tommy: Because they are filled with Arab seamen. Confused


Shocked

Excuse me while I just go and explain that to my 8 year old who just read that one out loud......

--

O'r graig, egni.
IP: 86.148.73.221
sputnam

Joined: 10/02/2009
Location: Halamanning, Cornwall

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 09/12/2011 21:28:26
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A Penguin was on vacation in sunny Spain, driving his convertible through the mountains when he felt the car pulling to the left.
He stopped in the next town at a garage & explained the problem to the mechanic who suggested that he take a drink at a cafe across the street, giving the mechanic time to examine the car & prepare an estimate for repair.
Well, the penguin decided to have a large ice-cream instead of a drink and he got himself into a real mess with ice-cream all over his face and flippers.
As he waddled back across the street, the mechanic came out to greet him & said, "It looks like you've blown a seal."
"No" said the penguin, "It's just ice cream."
IP: 91.135.8.213
ICLOK

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Joined: 19/02/2008
Location: Ripley, Derbyshire up North.

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 19/12/2011 19:09:32
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Man walking on beach found a Geni in a bottle.... You have 3 wishes says the Geni.... The guy thinks this thru, he's had alot of bad luck with money and women so his first wish is to be wealthy, the Geni waves his arms and says it is done...
The man next wishes himself to be really attractive to women and in a flash he is in immaculate clothes, he has rugged good looks and a great physique.
One wish left says the Geni, he thinks about this and as his family all live in Australia he say I want a road bridge from here in Bridlington to Sidney in Australia then I can just drive over there and see my family..... The Geni is horrified and tells him that it would cause shipping problems, use all the worlds resources for steel and concrete and even then it would take weeks and weeks to drive there, almost impossible to build etc etc... The man gets the Geni's point and the Geni says wish again... Ok says the man- "I wish I wish that I could understand what was going on in a womens mind"

The Geni replies, "So do you crash barriers and street lights on this ere bridge"???

--

As politically correct as a Nuremberg Rally
IP: 78.149.98.161 Edited: 19/12/2011 19:13:41 by ICLOK
ICLOK

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 22/12/2011 18:56:46
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A few days after Christmas , a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said , " All of you sons of bitches who want off,get the hell off now ,cause this is the last stop ! . And all you sons of bitches who are getting on , get your asses in the train , cause were leaving ! " .

The mother went in and told her son , " We don't use that kind of language in this house.Now go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS.When you come out , you may play with your train , but I want you to use nice language " .

Two hours later , the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train . Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say , " All passengers who are disembarking the train , please remember to take all of your belongings with you . We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one . We hope you will ride with us again soon " .

She heard the little boy continue , "For those of you boarding we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under the seat . Remember there is no smoking on the train except in the club car .We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today ".

Then the child added , For all those of you pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay ,please see the bitch in the kitchen "

--

As politically correct as a Nuremberg Rally
IP: 78.144.163.135
stevem

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Joined: 21/08/2006
Location: Wirral

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 06/01/2012 15:05:27
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Margaret Thatcher film 'The Iron Lady' has been classed as a 12A. It is unsuitable for miners.

--

May the fleas of a thousand camels infest the crotch of the person who screws up your day and may their arms be too short to scratch.
IP: 192.171.196.149
Roy Morton

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 06/01/2012 18:15:39
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My Bro' Had me a beauty the other day Laugh


Me - How you doing?
Bro - I've just come out of hospital.
Me concerned - Really! what for?
Bro - I've just had a mole removed from my dick
Me even more concered - Oh hell
Bro - Yup... and it's the last time I try shagging one of them!

*******......... Laugh

--

'Bid me discourse, I will enchant thine ear'
IP: 86.150.102.234
AR

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Joined: 07/11/2007
Location: Knot far from Knotlow in the middle of the Peak District

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 12/01/2012 11:13:55
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For those of you less than enamoured with wind turbines, have a look at this page: http://xkcd.com/556/


--

I am currently out of the office on leave and travelling through time but will respond to your message when I return last week.
IP: 194.159.145.70
Monty Stubble

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 14/01/2012 23:46:03
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I've been going out with a lass with a plasticene fanny.

We haven't had sex yet but I think I've made an impression.

--

The finest workers in stone are not copper or steel tools, but the gentle touches of air and water working at their leisure with a liberal allowance of time. Henry David Thoreau
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Aditaddict

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 15/01/2012 00:01:55
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The players at Liverpool football club have been warned by the FA That in future any player passing the ball to Andy Carroll

Will be booked for time wasting !
IP: 81.109.226.72
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