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Mine Exploration Forum

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Author Vanoord's a Joke
JohnnearCfon

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Joined: 22/12/2005
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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 07/10/2011 13:23:06
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Finally laid to rest in a sleek white casket, the late Steve Jobs is surrounded by mourners in a massive cathedral. As the afternoon sunlight shines down on him through intricate stained glass revealing a beautiful spectrum of colours, Mr. Jobs will be remembered in death as he was in life.....



Overshadowed by Windows.
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Roy Morton

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Joined: 09/10/2007
Location: Redruth Cornwall

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 07/10/2011 23:22:47
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The level of pollution in the world today is becoming intolerable.
Only the other day I opened a can of sardines to find it was full of oil and all the fish were dead. Shocked

--

'Bid me discourse, I will enchant thine ear'
IP: 86.178.19.138
Roy Morton

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 07/10/2011 23:42:58
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Two more I'm afraid;

I met a girl in a pub last night and we ended up going back to her house.
After a few more drinks, we started kissing and having a bit of foreplay on the sofa.
She looked at me and said, "Let's take this upstairs."
I said, "Okay, you grab one end and I'll grab the other."
----------------------------------------------------------
The worst pub I've ever been to was called The Fiddle.
It really was a vile inn.


--

'Bid me discourse, I will enchant thine ear'
IP: 86.178.19.138
SimonRL

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Joined: 27/11/2005
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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 11/10/2011 20:15:55
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Roy Morton wrote:


The level of pollution in the world today is becoming intolerable.
Only the other day I opened a can of sardines to find it was full of oil and all the fish were dead. Shocked


Laugh Excellent, thanks!

--

Half the lies you tell ain't true
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Llion

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 11/10/2011 20:43:17
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stevem wrote:

Im sure there's a joke somewhere about FOC, lightbulbs, people moaning about being kept in the dark when the bulb was always free for anyone to change anytime....
Cant think of a punchline though


yeah man we're avin that Big Grin Big Grin Big Grin

fuckin pissed meself haha
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Lister

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 11/10/2011 21:01:50
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Paul McCartney is going to be real pissed off when he finds out his new wife spends twice as much on shoes as the last one!!!!

....Lister;~) Laugh

--

'Adventure is just bad planning' Roald Amundsen
IP: 92.29.197.70
sinker

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 12/10/2011 06:42:33
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Lister wrote:

Paul McCartney is going to be real pissed off when he finds out his new wife spends twice as much on shoes as the last one!!!!

....Lister;~) Laugh


Laugh Laugh Laugh Laugh Laugh Laugh Laugh

--

O'r graig, egni.
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Roy Morton

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 14/10/2011 01:58:07
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I didn't know whether to stop two little ducks falling to their deaths or not.
It was a catch-22 situation


--

'Bid me discourse, I will enchant thine ear'
IP: 86.178.19.138
Yorkshireman

Joined: 23/06/2011
Location: Hanover, Germany

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 14/10/2011 10:13:48
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A rabbi and a priest on a hot day:

"Let's go for a swim to cool off"
"No swimming trunks"
"Once you're in the water, no one will notice"

Splash! Splash!

After their swim, they lie on the grass to dry out in the sun - suddenly a group of young women and small children from their congregations appears.
The Rabbi hides his face in his hands and the priest covers his nether regions.

The Rabbi says, "That's funny, the women and kids in my congregation know me by my face"
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ICLOK

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Joined: 19/02/2008
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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 15/10/2011 01:35:14
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Turn to Cod..... And become a Prawn again Crustacean!

--

As politically correct as a Nuremberg Rally
IP: 78.150.175.137
Roy Morton

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 15/10/2011 01:50:35
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ICLOK wrote:

Turn to Cod..... And become a Prawn again Crustacean!


Thats almost as bad as this one;

Q - Name 3 crustaceans that are native to London
A - St Pancrustacean , Kings Crustacean, Charing Crustacean.
Laugh Laugh Laugh Laugh Laugh

Steps sideways into shallow grave and waits for the next death...........

--

'Bid me discourse, I will enchant thine ear'
IP: 86.178.19.138
hymac580c

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Joined: 28/05/2007
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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 16/10/2011 23:22:14
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How many annimals can you find in a pair of ladies tights??
2 Calfs
1Beaver
1Ass
1Pussy
countless hares
the occasional brain
and one dead fish no one can find Laugh


--

I'r pant yr rhed y dwr.
IP: 195.93.21.71
JohnnearCfon

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 22/10/2011 19:48:31
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Gadaffi admits being killed in a drain is not his best day but vows to fight on

Gadaffi admits being killed in a drain is not his best day but vows to fight on
Colonel Gadaffi vowed to fight on last night at the end of an eventful day that had already seen him shot to death.

The Libyan dictator took time out while being dragged along the streets of Sirte to say that despite being been chased into a drain and killed, it had “otherwise been a pretty nice day”.

He pledged eternal damnation to rebels, assured supporters that his grip on power was as firm as ever and said that he was looking forward to Christmas.
“I always get excited when I see who’s playing Captain Hook at the Tripoli Hippodrome,” declared Gadaffi, as his lifeless body was hauled around his hometown.

“I’m as strong as I’ve ever been. You don’t see many 69-year-olds like me. Go on, punch me in the stomach.”

The late despot said he saw death as “much-needed me time” in which he would have space to consider the “glorious future direction of my beautiful country”.

“I've been under a lot of strain – right now I think I might just lie around a bit.”

A National Transitional Council fighter told The Daily News he had found Gaddafi hiding in a drain and was begged not to shoot. After killing the deposed leader, he took his golden gun, which Gadaffi now says he wants back.

“If I see it on e-Bay I’m not ruling out a very strongly worded letter,” he said.
Guns Guns Guns
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Roy Morton

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 23/10/2011 03:25:44
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I was fortunate enough to be invited to a garden party at the home of Engalnd international goalkeeper David Seaman.
I had a great time and he introduced me to his son and later on I met his father.
For me, this was a truly religious experience having met the father, the son and the goalie host. Innocent

--

'Bid me discourse, I will enchant thine ear'
IP: 86.178.19.138 Edited: 23/10/2011 20:07:19 by Roy Morton
ICLOK

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Joined: 19/02/2008
Location: Ripley, Derbyshire up North.

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 23/10/2011 19:05:11
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And you said mine was bad!! Laugh

--

As politically correct as a Nuremberg Rally
IP: 78.150.158.143
lyndonb

Joined: 13/10/2010
Location: Heamoor

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 23/10/2011 21:50:32
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Courtesy of Tim Vine:
Uncle Ben is dead.... No more Mr. Rice guy...
IP: 2.221.227.198
agricola

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Joined: 28/10/2007
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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 26/10/2011 10:02:44
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I was sent this one by a mate:

Five surgeons are discussing who were the best patients to operate on.
The first surgeon says, 'I like to see Accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.'
The second responds, 'Yeah, but you should try Electricians! Everything inside them is colour-coded..'
The third surgeon says, 'No, I really think Librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order.'
The fourth surgeon chimes in, 'You know I like Construction Workers. Those guys always understand when you have some stuff left over at the end and when the job takes longer than you said it would.'
But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed, 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine,
and there are only two moving parts - the mouth and the arsehole -
and they are interchangeable!'


--

If it can't be grown it has to be mined.
IP: 81.137.244.112
Morlock

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 26/10/2011 20:15:47
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Laugh Laugh Laugh IP: 82.26.194.166
lyndonb

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 26/10/2011 22:53:47
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Big Grin Big Grin Big Grin IP: 2.221.227.198
Monty Stubble

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 30/10/2011 08:24:54
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I never liked Jimmy Savile.

35 years ago I wrote to him saying "Dear Jim, could you fix it for me for Manchester City to be top of the league"

He curtly replied "Over my dead body"

--

The finest workers in stone are not copper or steel tools, but the gentle touches of air and water working at their leisure with a liberal allowance of time. Henry David Thoreau
IP: 82.14.63.79
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