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Author Vanoord's a Joke
JohnnearCfon

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Joined: 22/12/2005
Location: Sir Caernarfon

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 19/11/2010 11:02:52
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Kate goes to the Queen and says "Every time I suck Williams' knob I get acid indigestion" The Queen replies "Have you tried Andrews?"
IP: 92.26.177.193
JohnnearCfon

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Joined: 22/12/2005
Location: Sir Caernarfon

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 11/12/2010 19:35:01
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Al qaeda's planned Television Guide (For when they take over)
------------------------

6.00: G-Had TV.
Morning prayers.

8.30: Talitubbies.
Talitubbies say "Eh-oh". Dipsy and Tinky-Winky repair a Stinger missile launcher.

9.00: Shouts of Praise.
More prayers.

10.00: The Apprentice.
Ten young Muslims complete a variety of tasks each week - one of them will be recruited by prominent Islamist leader Muqtada al-Sadr into a top position in the Mahdi Army.

11.00: Jihad's Army.
The Kandahar-on-Sea battalion fail to repulse another attack by evil, imperialist, Zionist backed infidels.

12.00: Ready, Steady, Jihad!
Celebrities make lethal devices out of everyday objects.

12.30: Panoramadan.
The programme reports on america's attempts to take over the world.

13.30: Xena.
Modestly dressed housewife Xena stays at home and does some cooking.

14.00: Only Fools and Camels.
Dhal-Boy offloads some Chinese rocket launchers to Hamas.

14.30: Green Peter.
The total of Kalashnikovs bought by the milk bottle top appeal is revealed.

15.00: Madrasah Challenge.
Two more Islamic colleges meet. Bambah Kaskhain asks the questions. 'Starter for ten, no praying.'

15.30: I Love 629.
A look back at the events of the year, including the Prophet's entry into Mecca, and the destruction of pagan idols.

16.00: Question Time.
Members of the public face questions from political and religious leaders.

16.30: Countdown.
Can the american prisoners defuse the bomb in their cell before the timer runs down?

17.00: Koranation Street.
Deirdrie faces execution by stoning for adultery.

17.30: Middle-East Enders.
The entire cast is jailed for unislamic behaviour.

18.00: Holiday.
The team go on pilgrimage to Mecca. Again.

18.30: Top of the Prophets.
Will the Koran be No.1 for the 63,728th week running?

19.00: Who wants to be a Muhajadin?
Mahmoud Tarran asks the questions. Will contestants phone a mullah, go 'inshallah', or ask the Islamic council?

20.00: FILM: Shariah's Angels.
The three burkha-clad sleuths go undercover to expose an evil scheme to educate women.

21.30: Big Brother.
Who will be taken out of the house and executed this week?

22.00: Imam Ted.
Sitcom about three imams who live on a tiny island in the Persian Gulf. This week, Imam Dhuga'il accidentally burns down the mosque, while Imam Jakh is stoned to death for drinking alcohol.

22.30: Shahs in their Eyes.
More hopefuls imitate famous destroyers of the infidel.

23.30: They think it's Allah over.
Quiz culminating in the 'Don't feel the Mullah' round.

Midnight: When Imams Attack.
Amusing footage shot secretly in mosques. The filmers were also secretly shot.

00:.30: The West Bank Show.
Arts programme looking at anti-Israel graffiti art in the occupied territories.

01.30: Bhuffi the Infidel Slayer.

02.00: A book at bedtime.
The Koran. Again.


IP: 78.150.251.158
hymac580c

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Joined: 28/05/2007
Location: Blaenau Ffestiniog

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 13/01/2011 22:04:34
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My new year resolution this year is to continue as I am because I can do no better.
But I have promised my wife that I will try not to fart when I am in bed as she does not like the smellBig Grin .

--

I'r pant yr rhed y dwr.
IP: 195.93.21.39
Monty Stubble

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Joined: 03/04/2008
Location: , Location, Location

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 07/02/2011 21:20:08
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Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady at the registration desk ... "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled."

To which she replied, "No, it's regular porn, you sick *******.”

--

The finest workers in stone are not copper or steel tools, but the gentle touches of air and water working at their leisure with a liberal allowance of time. Henry David Thoreau
IP: 86.24.25.218
Monty Stubble

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 07/02/2011 21:22:27
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I've heard that Apple have scrapped their plans for the new children's iPod after realizing that iTouch Kids isn't a good product name

--

The finest workers in stone are not copper or steel tools, but the gentle touches of air and water working at their leisure with a liberal allowance of time. Henry David Thoreau
IP: 86.24.25.218
Roy Morton

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Joined: 09/10/2007
Location: Redruth Cornwall

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 08/02/2011 04:18:34
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Paddy shouts upstairs to Mick, "did you find the shampoo Mick?"
Mick replies, " Yeah but it's fer dry hair, an I just fekkin wet mine!"

--

'Bid me discourse, I will enchant thine ear'
IP: 86.147.243.87
JohnnearCfon

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Joined: 22/12/2005
Location: Sir Caernarfon

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 01/03/2011 13:50:37
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This is funny:-



How do I get this to work properly? Tried various permutations!
IP: 95.148.14.133 Edited: 04/03/2011 19:05:00 by (moderator)
JohnnearCfon

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 05/07/2011 13:33:38
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Looking for an insurance company to cover you for injuries during sex? Then the following list should help.
SEX with your wife - Legal & general
SEX with your future wife - Mutual Trust
SEX with your secretary - Employers Liability
SEX with a prostitute - Commercial Union
SEX on the telephone - Direct line
SEX with your biographer - Quote me happy
SEX in a hurry- Insure & go
SEX with your boyfriend -Standard life
SEX with a transvestite - Confused . com
SEX with someone different - Go compare . com
SEX with an animal - Compare the meerkat . com
SEX with a fat bird - More Than
SEX on the back seat - Sheila's Wheels
SEX with an o.a..p - Saga
SEX with a posh bird - Privilege .com
SEX with a sheep - National Farmers Union

Laugh

IP: 92.26.181.42
Lister

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Joined: 07/10/2007
Location: Helsby, Cheshire

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 05/07/2011 19:01:10
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I met a beauiful woman by the lake the other day, there was an immediate spark between us and she fell to my feet & as we lay there together making love I thought to myself...... these bloody tazers are well worth the money Blink

.....Lister;~)

--

'Adventure is just bad planning' Roald Amundsen
IP: 78.150.225.129
Roy Morton

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 25/07/2011 03:38:14
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A young guy pulls an older woman at a club. She's 58 but looks pretty well kept for her age. On the way back to her house the bloke is thinking, 'mmmm! I bet her daughter is really hot'
when out of the blue she asks if he would like a 'Sportsman's Double'
"Whats that?" he asks.
"Its a mother and daughter threesome" she replies.
It's a no brainer. "WOW! YES PLEASE" he says,
so as they go in her front door, she puts the hall light on and shouts upstairs, "Get your teeth in mother he's up for it"
Shocked Shocked Shocked

--

'Bid me discourse, I will enchant thine ear'
IP: 86.144.208.201
Roy Morton

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 25/07/2011 03:55:16
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The other day my wife asked me where I'd like to be buried.
Apparently face down between Cheryl Cole's legs was not the answer she was expecting. Laugh

--

'Bid me discourse, I will enchant thine ear'
IP: 86.144.208.201 Edited: 25/07/2011 04:31:14 by Roy Morton
Roy Morton

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 05/09/2011 00:05:23
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In deference to ethnic majorities, English weather will now become Muslim weather. In other words, partly Suuni, but mostly Shi'ite.

--

'Bid me discourse, I will enchant thine ear'
IP: 86.178.18.175
stuey

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 05/09/2011 00:23:01
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JohnnearCfon wrote:

Kate goes to the Queen and says "Every time I suck Williams' knob I get acid indigestion" The Queen replies "Have you tried Andrews?"


Why hasn't Prince Charles got a blue dick?




Because he can't stick it in Di.

IP: 84.93.181.253
Lister

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 13/09/2011 22:07:28
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I was really shocked to the point of disbelief recently to find out that my father had been stealing from his job as a council road worker but when I got home all the signs where there.......

....Lister;~)

--

'Adventure is just bad planning' Roald Amundsen
IP: 89.243.129.24
sinker

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Joined: 13/12/2010
Location: North Wales.

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 14/09/2011 09:24:47
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Vanoord wrote:

A miner in South Africa has an accident and loses a leg.

He says to his mate: "I'm knackered, who'll want a one legged gold digger?"

His mate says: "Try Paul McCartney!"


Paul McCartney has finalised his divorce from Heather Mills. He paid her £10 million in cash, £2 million a year for life and gave her a mansion in Los Angeles. He also gave her the use of his plane. But she's still going to use Imac on the other leg. Laugh

--

Give yerselves up lads.....you're surrounded.....
IP: 82.132.215.200
ICLOK

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Joined: 19/02/2008
Location: Ripley, Derbyshire up North.

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 26/09/2011 08:36:23
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I was at the Gym today when I noticed a hole in my trainer about big enough to put my finger in, which I did.... she made a formal complaint and I've got a life ban!

--

Beware the Frankendoodle
IP: 78.144.162.69
SimonRL

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 26/09/2011 08:38:22
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The barman says "we dont serve your kind in here"

A neutrino walks into a bar

--

You no worry about saftey. It no cause explosion yet.
IP: 95.148.0.91
stevem

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 26/09/2011 14:52:09
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Thumbs Up going to pinch that.... Big Grin


--

May the fleas of a thousand camels infest the crotch of the person who screws up your day and may their arms be too short to scratch.
IP: 192.171.196.149
sinker

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 26/09/2011 18:17:46
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simonrl wrote:

The barman says "we dont serve your kind in here"

A neutrino walks into a bar


Laugh Laugh Laugh Very good!
Hey.....seeing as I "donated" a joke to you on Thursday night, can I keep this one? Innocent Laugh

--

Give yerselves up lads.....you're surrounded.....
IP: 217.44.200.85
Mr Mike

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Joined: 09/06/2007
Location: Bury - In The Laboratory

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 26/09/2011 18:52:55
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A neutron walks in to a bar and orders a drink. How much for that he asks the bar man. To his surprise the barman reply's, no charge for you.



--

Mr Mike www.mineexplorer.org.uk
IP: 79.70.71.241
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