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Author Vanoord's a Joke
Vanoord

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Joined: 28/11/2005
Location: North Wales

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 28/06/2007 15:39:39
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Friday's joke is a day early:

Two penguins are walking across an iceberg. One penguin turns to the other and says: "You look like you're wearing a tuxedo."

The second penguin replies, "Maybe I am."

--

'Finally someone with some sense and knowledge posting on these boards' - 'You shouldn't be on this forum, far too sensible and intelligent' - 'Great post Vanoord. Best read of the day.' - 'Nicely put together there Vanoord.' This can mean only one thing: Vanoord is utterly delusional
IP: 81.139.10.41
merddinemrys

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Joined: 13/03/2006
Location: Barmouth

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 28/06/2007 16:33:13
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None of us here in work get that! IP: 217.34.233.121
Captain Scarlet

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Joined: 07/03/2007
Location: The Cumbrian Underground

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 28/06/2007 16:33:57
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merddinemrys wrote:

None of us here in work get that!


Laugh Thought it was just me...

--

' ...they passed therein with fear and trembling for the rocks were high above their heads and great stones lay around... '
IP: 195.8.188.42
stevem

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Joined: 21/08/2006
Location: Wirral

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 29/06/2007 11:41:36
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Vanoord wrote:

Friday's joke is a day early:

Two penguins are walking across an iceberg. One penguin turns to the other and says: "You look like you're wearing a tuxedo."

The second penguin replies, "Maybe I am."

Smile Smile Smile Smile Smile Smile Smile Smile Smile Smile Smile Smile

Q: Why don´t you see Penguins in Britain?
A: Because they´re afraid of Wales.

--

If they find out you've seen this, your life will be worth less than a truckload of dead rats in a tampon factory.
IP: 192.171.196.149
sparty_lea

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Joined: 26/04/2007
Location: Weardale

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 29/06/2007 13:29:15
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This guy is driving a truckload of penguins up the A68 to Edinburgh Zoo. He's just heading up Carter Bar when his wagon breaks down so there he is stuck in the middle of nowhere with a truck load of penguins.
He flags down a passing van and tells the driver his predicament.
'I'll give you £200 if you can take them to the zoo for me'

The van driver is headed home empty so he agrees, takes the £200 and loads up the penguins.

Next day, his wagon fixed, our guy gets to Edinburg and there he sees the van driver, leading a whole flock of penguins up the Royal Mile.
'Hey mate! I thought you were taking them to the Zoo for me' he says.

'Well I did that yesterday, but I had some money left over so now I'm taking them to see the castle'
IP: 88.111.127.50
Wormster

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Joined: 15/08/2006
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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 30/06/2007 17:38:37
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A woman dies and goes to heaven. She arrives at the pearly gates and is greeted by Saint Peter. There are a few people waiting, so she strikes up a conversation with him. Just then, she hears a blood curdling scream!

"What was that?" she asks.

"Oh, don't worry about that," says Saint Peter, "It's just someone getting a hole drilled in their head so they can be fitted for their halo".

A few seconds later, she hears another agonized scream, this one even more terrible than the one before. "What was that?!" she asked anxiously.

"Oh ,don't worry," says Saint Peter soothingly, "It's just someone getting holes drilled in their back so they can be fitted for their wings."

The lady starts to back away. "Where are you going?" asks Saint Peter.

"Well, if it's all the same to you .....I think I'll go downstairs," says the lady.

"But you shouldn't go to hell...," says the saint, "You'll be raped and sodomized!"

"That's OK," says the lady, "I've already got the holes for that."

--

Better to regret something you have done - than to regret something you have not done.
IP: 86.139.143.153
Vanoord

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 20/07/2007 15:34:24
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Two men in an airport bump into each other.

The first man says "I can't find my wife" and the second replies "I can't find mine either: what does yours look like?"

"Well", the first man replies, "she's 5ft10, blonde, big boobs, wearing a mini skirt and high heels. What does yours look like?"

"To hell with her", says the second man, "Let's look for yours".

--

Filling space until a new signature comes along...
IP: 81.136.33.157
Vanoord

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 17/08/2007 12:19:34
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A scouser goes on holiday to Australia and gets stopped at immigration: the official says: "I see you're scouse, Bruce: do you have a criminal record?"

The scouser replies: "I didn't think that was still an entrance requirement."

--

Filling space until a new signature comes along...
IP: 81.139.71.75
Clunk

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 17/08/2007 13:58:11
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Blink Blink

--

I like the darkness, the timewarp and the solitude of exploring underground. Seeing the tools that were left as if the workman has just clocked off. Knowing that I am one of a few that will ever see the history, stagnant and untouched. The history in a crane, the skill of cutting the rock. The awe of huge man made caverns. It is a lost world and I am walking through it.
IP: 80.42.155.95
Wenders

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 17/08/2007 15:26:49
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A trucker who has been out on the road for two weeks stops at a brothel outside Atlanta.

He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down £500 and says: "I want your ugliest woman and a grilled cheese sandwich!"

The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my finest ladies and a three-course meal."

The trucker replies: "Listen darlin', I'm not horny - I'm homesick."

IP: 217.44.11.242
Clunk

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 17/08/2007 15:31:11
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Thats better.
Vanoord, buy the same jokebook as wenders.

--

I like the darkness, the timewarp and the solitude of exploring underground. Seeing the tools that were left as if the workman has just clocked off. Knowing that I am one of a few that will ever see the history, stagnant and untouched. The history in a crane, the skill of cutting the rock. The awe of huge man made caverns. It is a lost world and I am walking through it.
IP: 80.42.209.128
Vanoord

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 18/08/2007 16:24:02
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Three men are sitting in a bar.

The first says: "Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, there's a better one. At MacDougal's, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and MacDougal himself will buy your third drink!"

The second then starts: "That sounds like a nice bar, but where I come from, there's a better one called Vinny's. At Vinny's, you buy a drink, Vinny buys you a drink. You buy another drink, Vinny buys you another drink."

Then the third pipes up. "You think that's good? Where I come from, there's this place called Murphy's. At Murphy's, they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then, they take you in the back and get you laid!"

"Wow!" say the other two. "That sounds fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?"

"No," replies their friend, "but it happened to my sister!"

--

Filling space until a new signature comes along...
IP: 86.133.205.230
Clunk

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 18/08/2007 17:00:39
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Blink Blink Blink Blink
Oh dear.

--

I like the darkness, the timewarp and the solitude of exploring underground. Seeing the tools that were left as if the workman has just clocked off. Knowing that I am one of a few that will ever see the history, stagnant and untouched. The history in a crane, the skill of cutting the rock. The awe of huge man made caverns. It is a lost world and I am walking through it.
IP: 80.42.164.183
Clunk

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 19/08/2007 11:08:45
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A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We Need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful...CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!!! THE SALT!!!"
The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You Think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like When I'm driving."

--

I like the darkness, the timewarp and the solitude of exploring underground. Seeing the tools that were left as if the workman has just clocked off. Knowing that I am one of a few that will ever see the history, stagnant and untouched. The history in a crane, the skill of cutting the rock. The awe of huge man made caverns. It is a lost world and I am walking through it.
IP: 80.42.164.183
Vanoord

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 20/08/2007 13:43:31
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Four fonts walk into a bar. The barman says "Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here"

--

Filling space until a new signature comes along...
IP: 81.130.233.248
Wormster

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Joined: 15/08/2006
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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 23/08/2007 11:29:30
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Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little 5-year-old girl and some coal miners that makes you believe that we CAN make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time.

A young family moved into a house down the road from a large surface coal mine. The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on and spent much of each day observing the miners. Eventually the miners, all of them gems-in-the-rough, more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope containing a couple of dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the two dollar "pay" she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account. When they got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with the coal miners down the road from our house.

"My goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working at the mine again this week, too?"

The little girl replied, "I will if those assholes at Caterpillar ever deliver the trucks..."

--

Better to regret something you have done - than to regret something you have not done.
IP: 86.150.52.19
SimonRL

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Joined: 27/11/2005
Location: North Wales

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 23/08/2007 13:12:10
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Nice one Wormster! And a bonus point for a mining related joke Thumbs Up

--

Next time look where you're going (Miles)
IP: 83.148.135.213
Vanoord

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 23/08/2007 13:26:12
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A miner in South Africa has an accident and loses a leg.

He says to his mate: "I'm knackered, who'll want a one legged gold digger?"

His mate says: "Try Paul McCartney."

*****

Overheard: Joe Miner being harrangued by some soap dodging enviro-terrorist for despoiling Mother Earth.

JM (grinning happily): Well, you've got to admit, strip mining does prevent the spread of forest fires.

*****

A guy gets a job at a remote mining camp.After a couple of days work, he goes into the local bar, has a few beers, and asks a local about the lack of woman in the camp."No sheilas for 200 miles" says the local.

"What does a man do for sex?"

The local points to a large barrel in the corner."Just put ya dick in the hole in the side.Any day except Thursday."

The guy wanders over,pokes his dick in the hole, and within 2 minutes,blows his lolly.

"Christ,thats not bad" he thinks.

He returns the next two nights,and gets the same result.On the third night,he asked the local if the barrel was free.

"Yup, like I said, any day except Thursday"

"Why not Thursdays?"the guy asks.

"Cos Thursdays your day in the barrel."

*****

Q: What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft.
A: A flat minor

Q: What happens when you look down the mine shaft?
A: C flat minor

Q: What remark do you make when you look?
A: G flat minor
IP: 81.130.216.195
Wenders

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Joined: 30/06/2007
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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 23/08/2007 14:12:56
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Condoms!!!


Imagine if all the major brands started selling their own condoms and kept their original tag-lines...

Sainsbury condoms - making life taste better
Tesco Condoms - every little helps
Nike Condoms - Just do it
Peugeot Condoms - The ride of your life
KFC Condoms - Finger Licking good
Minstrels Condoms - melt in your mouth, not in your hand
Safeway Condoms - Lightening the load
Abbey National Condoms - because life is complicated enough
Coca Cola Condoms - The real thing
Ever Ready Condoms - keep goin and going
Pringles Condoms - once you pop, you can't stop
Burger King Condoms - Home of the Whopper
Goodyear Condoms - "for a longer ride, go wide"
Muller light condoms - so much pleasure, but where's the pain?
Flash Condoms - Just sit back, relax and let flash do all the hard work
Halford Condoms - we go the extra mile
Royal Mail Condoms - I saw this and thought of you
Andrex Condoms - Soft, strong and very very long
Renault Condoms - size really does matter!
Domestos Condoms - gets right in the rim
Heineken Condoms -reaches parts that other condoms just cannot reach
Carlsberg Condoms - probably the best condom in the world
Pepperami Condoms - its a bit of an animal
Polo Condoms - the condom with the hole!!(VERY poor seller !!)
McDonalds Condoms - I'm Lovin' it!
winders condoms....screaming 4 more
pc world's condoms...we're with u every step of the way
halifax condoms...who gives you extra?
charmin condoms....break the habbit
telletubbie condoms.... again again!!!
cadburys condoms...give in2 your happiness
red bull condoms....gives u wings
cadburys creme egg flavoured condoms...how do u eat yours?
craig david flavoured condoms...wots ur flava?
heinz salad cream condoms...its all goin on!
sure crystal condoms....unbeatable against white marks
uci cinema condoms.....coming soon
reseme condoms .....used by professionals
insette condoms....for that extra hold
gillete condoms....the best a man can get
churchill car insurance condoms....ooooo yeshhh!
IP: 217.44.11.242
Wormster

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Joined: 15/08/2006
Location: Top of the Mendip Hills

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 23/08/2007 15:00:12
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Wenders wrote:


Condoms!!!


Imagine if all the major brands started selling their own condoms and kept their original tag-lines...

Sainsbury condoms - making life taste better
Tesco Condoms - every little helps
Nike Condoms - Just do it
Peugeot Condoms - The ride of your life
KFC Condoms - Finger Licking good
Minstrels Condoms - melt in your mouth, not in your hand
Safeway Condoms - Lightening the load
Abbey National Condoms - because life is complicated enough
Coca Cola Condoms - The real thing
Ever Ready Condoms - keep goin and going
Pringles Condoms - once you pop, you can't stop
Burger King Condoms - Home of the Whopper
Goodyear Condoms - "for a longer ride, go wide"
Muller light condoms - so much pleasure, but where's the pain?
Flash Condoms - Just sit back, relax and let flash do all the hard work
Halford Condoms - we go the extra mile
Royal Mail Condoms - I saw this and thought of you
Andrex Condoms - Soft, strong and very very long
Renault Condoms - size really does matter!
Domestos Condoms - gets right in the rim
Heineken Condoms -reaches parts that other condoms just cannot reach
Carlsberg Condoms - probably the best condom in the world
Pepperami Condoms - its a bit of an animal
Polo Condoms - the condom with the hole!!(VERY poor seller !!)
McDonalds Condoms - I'm Lovin' it!
winders condoms....screaming 4 more
pc world's condoms...we're with u every step of the way
halifax condoms...who gives you extra?
charmin condoms....break the habbit
telletubbie condoms.... again again!!!
cadburys condoms...give in2 your happiness
red bull condoms....gives u wings
cadburys creme egg flavoured condoms...how do u eat yours?
craig david flavoured condoms...wots ur flava?
heinz salad cream condoms...its all goin on!
sure crystal condoms....unbeatable against white marks
uci cinema condoms.....coming soon
reseme condoms .....used by professionals
insette condoms....for that extra hold
gillete condoms....the best a man can get
churchill car insurance condoms....ooooo yeshhh!



ROFPMSL

Laugh Laugh Laugh

--

Better to regret something you have done - than to regret something you have not done.
IP: 86.150.52.19
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