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Mine Exploration Forum

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Author Vanoord's a Joke
JohnnearCfon

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Joined: 22/12/2005
Location: Sir Caernarfon

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 26/02/2010 12:55:30
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A teacher asks Billy, one of her pupils "There are five birds on a tree branch and a man shoots one of them. How many are left on the branch?"
Billy says "None, the rest flew away."
Teacher, well, she smiles and says "No Billy, the answer is four, but I like the way you think."
Little Billy thinks and says "Miss, if there are three women eating ice cream, one's biting, one's licking and one's sucking, which one is married?"
With a nervous smile, the teacher says "The one sucking."
Billy smiles and says "No Miss, the answer is the one with the wedding ring, but I like the way you think."
IP: 92.28.17.248
carnkie

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Joined: 07/09/2007
Location: camborne, cornwall

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 26/02/2010 15:22:07
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The Tax Man Cometh

At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a Synagogue.

While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, 'I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?'

'Good question,' noted the Rabbi. 'We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles.'

'Oh,' replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer..

But on he went, in his obnoxious way:

'What about all these bread-wafer purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?'

'Ah, yes,' replied the Rabbi, realising that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. 'We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send us a free box of bread-wafers.'

'I see,' replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. 'Well, Rabbi,' he went on, 'what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?'

'Here, too, we do not waste,' answered the Rabbi...............

'What we do is save all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick.'





--

The past is a foreign country: they do things differently there.
IP: 80.47.180.222
JohnnearCfon

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Joined: 22/12/2005
Location: Sir Caernarfon

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 23/04/2010 16:23:35
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Is it a bit early for Icelandic Volcano jokes or should we let the dust settle first?

Q:What comes from Iceland and causes chaos at airports?
A:Bjork

Q: What is the difference between the Icelandic Volcano and Madeline McCann?
A: Madeline only ruined one holiday.

It was the last wish of the Icelandic economy that its ashes be spread over Europe.

Waiter, there's volcanic ash in my soup. I know, it's a no-fly zone.

I came out my house yesterday and was hit on the head by a bag of frozen sausages, a chocolate gateau and some fish fingers. I realised it must be the fallout from Iceland.

Woke this morning to find every surface in the house covered in a layer of dust and a foul stench of sulphur in the air. No change, I’ve been living with a bone-idle slob for 20 years.
IP: 92.26.227.86
Vanoord

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Joined: 28/11/2005
Location: North Wales

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 23/04/2010 16:36:00
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Something's not right about this whole Iceland thing.

First they declared themselves bankrupt.

Then they set their island on fire.

Anyone else reckon it's insurance fraud?

--

Filling space until a new signature comes along...
IP: 81.130.4.200
JohnnearCfon

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Joined: 22/12/2005
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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 01/06/2010 13:58:21
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The husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when his wife complained, as usual,
"I have a headache."
"Perfect," her husband said. "I was just in the bathroom powdering my dick with aspirin. You can take it orally or as a suppository, it's up to you!"
IP: 78.148.235.17
JohnnearCfon

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 01/06/2010 13:59:35
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Paddy was in jail.the screw looked into his cell and saw him hanging from the ceiling by his feet.the screw say's "Paddy what the f*ck are you doing?" to which Paddy replied "Killing myself".the screw said "It should be round your neck".
Paddy say's "I tried that but i couldn't breathe".
IP: 78.148.235.17
hymac580c

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Joined: 28/05/2007
Location: Blaenau Ffestiniog

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 01/06/2010 22:08:16
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A sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wants her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were too loose and floppy.

Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon
agreed.
Awakening from the anaesthesia after the surgery she found 3 roses carefully placed beside her on the bed.
Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor. 'I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!'
The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him: 'I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself.'
'The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and empathized because she had the same procedure done some time ago.'
'And what about the third rose?' she asked.

'That's from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears Shocked

IP: 195.93.21.39
JohnnearCfon

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 15/08/2010 11:28:33
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Late one night, a mugger wearing a ski-mask jumped into the path of a well dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs. "Give me your money, he demanded". Indignant, the affluent man replied "You can't do this- I am a member of Parliament". "in that case" replied the mugger, "give me MY money!". IP: 92.26.183.104
moocher

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Joined: 04/07/2010
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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 15/08/2010 12:36:30
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Got caught bashing one out while sniffing my mate's sisters knickers yesterday. Blush
Wouldn't have been so bad but she was still wearing them at the time .
He went f*****g ballistic !!
Made the rest of her funeral very awkward for both of us .
IP: 78.144.128.240 Edited: 15/08/2010 12:38:01 by moocher
Roy Morton

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Location: Redruth Cornwall

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 21/08/2010 02:05:11
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President Obamah has lost it big time. He just sent an aid package worth $3million to the Irish Govt to help with hurricane higgins......... Shocked

--

'Bid me discourse, I will enchant thine ear'
IP: 109.152.60.26
rhychydwr

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Joined: 09/06/2007
Location: Cwmparc, Rhondda, South Wales, UK.

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 14/11/2010 15:38:27
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A big mining company recently hired several cannibals. "You are all part of our team now", said the manager during the welcoming briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please don't eat any of the other employees".

The cannibals promised they would not.

Four weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard, and I'm satisfied with you. However, one of our Timber Lads has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to him?"

The cannibals all shook their heads indicating "no".

After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, "Which one of you idiots ate the Timber Lad ?"

A hand rose hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals continued, "You fool!!!!! For four weeks we've been eating Managers and Supervisors, Electricians and Fitters and no one noticed anything, but noooooo, you had to go and eat someone who actually works!!!!"



--

Cutting coal in my spare time.
IP: 82.71.20.254
minerat

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Location: cheshire

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 14/11/2010 16:41:19
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the madeline joke isnt very nice. I find it offensive towards the little girl and her parents, there are a lot of parents on this site how would they feel in the same circumstances, im not being a spoilsport , I like jokes to but this is outside that sphere for me.

--

be afraid.....very afraid !!!!
IP: 81.129.185.142
rhychydwr

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Joined: 09/06/2007
Location: Cwmparc, Rhondda, South Wales, UK.

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 14/11/2010 17:03:27
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minerat wrote:

the madeline joke isnt very nice. I find it offensive towards the little girl and her parents, there are a lot of parents on this site how would they feel in the same circumstances, im not being a spoilsport , I like jokes to but this is outside that sphere for me.


Where have you been these last few months? That joke was posted 23/4/10 Confused

--

Cutting coal in my spare time.
IP: 82.71.20.254
JohnnearCfon

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Joined: 22/12/2005
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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 14/11/2010 17:23:35
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minerat wrote:

the madeline joke isnt very nice. I find it offensive towards the little girl and her parents, there are a lot of parents on this site how would they feel in the same circumstances, im not being a spoilsport , I like jokes to but this is outside that sphere for me.


Probably a lot of people would find a small section of jokes in this thread in bad taste (different jokes for different people no doubt) but it is just that a joke thread the clue is in the title!
IP: 92.26.191.127
minerat

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 14/11/2010 18:34:41
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I dont care when it was posted it still offended me.

--

be afraid.....very afraid !!!!
IP: 86.132.208.136
minerat

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 14/11/2010 18:37:18
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it dos`nt alter the fact I have a right to say if something offends me, and that did, I like good jokes of most kinds ?? but that was too far for me...end of.

--

be afraid.....very afraid !!!!
IP: 86.132.208.136
rufenig

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Joined: 18/03/2008
Location: Shropshire Hills

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 14/11/2010 18:39:10
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If you're going to get offended don't read the fecking section!
Most joke sections on forums state that some things may offend.
Don't come back on your politicaly high horse condemming people.
DON'T read the section Cursing
Be big enough to let it go! Flowers
IP: 86.132.128.35
JohnnearCfon

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 14/11/2010 18:42:25
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I must confess I hate with avengence people (I am speaking generally not having a go at Minerat in particular) who try to tell me what I can and can't find funny. IP: 92.26.191.127
minerat

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 14/11/2010 18:42:43
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I had let it go in my last reply but you decided to put your bit in.now it is over.

--

be afraid.....very afraid !!!!
IP: 86.132.208.136
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