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Author Vanoord's a Joke
JohnnearCfon

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 18/10/2009 16:15:08
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rhychydwr1 wrote:

Yes, very poor taste. MJ would never get to heaven. He is in the other place.


.............and half of him melted when he got there!
IP: 78.148.107.228
JohnnearCfon

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 23/10/2009 22:22:03
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Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for NorthWest Gas said "We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It's possible Mr. Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house." (The Daily Telegraph)

Police reveal that a woman arrested for shoplifting had a whole salami in her knickers. When asked why, she said it was because she was missing her Italian boyfriend. (The Manchester Evenings News)

Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because they cannot issue a description. It's a special branch vehicle and they don't want the public to know what it looks like. (The Guardian)

After being charged £20 for a £10 overdraft, 30-year-old Michael Howard of Leeds changed his name by deed poll to "Yorkshire Bank PLC Are Fascist Bastards". The bank has now asked him to close his account, and Mr. Bastards has asked them to repay the 69p balance, by cheque, made out in his new name. (The Guardian)

A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coastguard spokesman commented, "This sort of thing is all too common". (The Times)

At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coastguard on the spot and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied that he was sorry, but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff. (Aberdeen Evening Express)

Mrs. Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue, Boscombe, delighted the audience with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled. "He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out 'Heil Hitler'". (Bournemouth Evening Echo)

The USA often won the famous yacht race, known as the Americas Cup, by hook or by crook. In one year, the US schooner lost to the British, but the US team effected a retroactive change in the rules disqualifying the British. A British newspaper ran the headline: Britannia rules the waves but America waives the rules.

IP: 92.28.131.175
JohnnearCfon

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 25/10/2009 13:29:56
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I am glad they found that balloon boy.....



...........I was afraid Michael Jackson was ordering a takeaway from heaven
IP: 78.144.120.64
Vanoord

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 27/10/2009 22:07:04
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School Attitudes 1979 vs. School Attitudes 2009


Scenario 1: Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.

1979 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up mates.

2009 - Police are called, Armed Response Unit arrives and arrests Johnny and Mark. Mobiles phones with evidence of fight are confiscated. Both are charged with assault, ASBOs are taken out and suspended even though Johnny started it.. Diversionary conferences and parent meetings conducted. Mobile phone video shown on 6 internet sites.


Scenario 2: Jeffrey won't sit still in class, disrupts other students.

1979 - Jeffrey is sent to the principal's office and given 6 of the best. Returns to class, sits still and never disrupts the class again.

2009 - Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin. Counselled to death. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADHD. School gets extra funding because Jeffrey has a disability. Jeffrey drops out of school.


Scenario 3: Billy breaks a window in his neighbour's car and his Dad gives him the slipper.

1979 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normally, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.

2009 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang. Psychologist convinces Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy's mum has an affair with the psychologist. Psychologist gets a promotion.


Scenario 4: Mark brings cigarettes to school

1979 - Mark shares a smoke with the school principal out on the smoking area.

2007 - Police are called and Mark is expelled from School for drug possession. His car is searched for drugs and weapons.


Scenario 5: Mohammed fails GCSE English.

1979 - Mohammed retakes his exam, passes and goes to college.

2009 - Mohammed's cause is taken up by local human rights group. Newspaper articles appear nationally, insisting that making English a requirement in school is racist. Civil Liberties Association files class action lawsuit against state school system and his English teacher. English is banned from core curriculum. Mohammed is given his qualification anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.


Scenario 6: Johnny takes apart leftover fireworks, puts them in a model plane paint bottle and blows up an anthill.

1979 - Ants die.

2009 - MI5 and police are called and Johnny is charged with perpetrating acts of terrorism. Teams investigate parents, siblings are removed from the home, computers are confiscated, and Johnny's dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly with American airlines ever again.


Scenario 7: Johnny falls during playtime and scrapes his knee. His teacher, Mary, finds him crying, and gives him a hug to comfort him.

1979 - Johnny soon feels better and goes back to playing.

2009 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces three years in prison. Johnny undergoes five years of therapy.

--

Filling space until a new signature comes along...
IP: 86.150.66.123
Vanoord

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 05/11/2009 12:10:53
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From the current AA staff magazine:


We lucky people that work for the Automobile Association get a monthly magazine. a new feature in this months is Ask Terry.

Dear Terry

I hope you can help me here. The other day i set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching T.V.

I had only driven about a mile or so when the car conked out, and shuddered to a halt.

I walked back home to get my husbands help.

When i got home i couldn't believe my eyes, He was in our bedroom with our neighbours daughter. I am 32 and my husband 34, and she is 22.

We have been married for 10 years. When i confronted him, he confessed they had been having an affair for 6 months.

I told him to end the affair or i would leave him. He was sacked from his job 6 months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He wont go to counselling and I'm afraid I cant get through to him anymore.

Can you help please.

Sheila.


--

Filling space until a new signature comes along...
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Vanoord

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 05/11/2009 12:35:21
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Dear Sheila.

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused be a variety of faults.

Start by checking there is no dirt in the fuel lines, If it is clear, check the vacum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold, and also check all grounding wires.

If none on these approaches solves the problem, it could be the fuel pump is at fault.


Hope this Helps.


Terry


--

Filling space until a new signature comes along...
IP: 81.134.101.175
ICLOK

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 05/11/2009 14:17:19
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A 7 year and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. 'U know wot " says the 7 year old, "I think its time we startd swearing. When we go downstairs for breakfast I'll swear 1st then you follow". "OK" says the 4 year old.

So down to breakfast they go...

Mum comes from kitchen and asks 7 year old what he wants 4 breakfast.

"I'll have Cocopops, bitch!".

WHACK..., he flies out of his chair cryin his eyes out.

Mum looks at 4 year old and says sternly "and what do want for breakfast?".

"I dont know" he blubbers "but it wont be f**king cocopops!"

--

You'll Enjoy Mr. Barlow... ... and he'll enjoy you.
IP: 78.150.67.138
royfellows

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 06/11/2009 20:18:13
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I have just doubled the value of my Mazda.

I filled the petrol tank right up.

--

''the stopes soared beyond the range of our caplamps' - David Bick...... How times change
IP: 92.28.136.130
royfellows

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 06/11/2009 20:32:39
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And more……

All this talk of potential liabilities on the Cwmystwyth thread.

I can tell you as a fact that if bailiffs are called in to enforce a warrant of execution against goods or chattels the first thing they look at is the defendant’s car

Anyone can have one of THOSE days!


--

''the stopes soared beyond the range of our caplamps' - David Bick...... How times change
IP: 92.28.136.130
ICLOK

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 06/11/2009 20:39:16
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And to follow that.....

What's a Mazda with a sun roof....... SKIP

What's a Mazda with a sun roof and twin exhausts...... WHEELBARROW


--

You'll Enjoy Mr. Barlow... ... and he'll enjoy you.
IP: 78.145.200.87
JohnnearCfon

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 08/11/2009 21:16:41
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Mental Health Hotline


Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline.

If you are an obsessive compulsive – press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependant – ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities – press 3, 4, 5, and 6

If you are paranoid – we know who you are and what you want, stay on the line and we will trace your call.

If you are delusional – press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.

If you are schizophrenic – Listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are depressive it doesn’t matter which number you press, no one will answer you.

If you are dyslexic – press 6, 9, 6, 9, 6, 9, 6, 9, 6, 9, 6, 9, 6, 9.

If you have a nervous disorder – please fidget with the hash key until you hear the beep. After the beep, please wait for the beep.

If you have a short term memory loss please try your call again later.

If you suffer low self esteem – please hang up as all our operators are to busy to talk to you.
IP: 92.28.160.64
JohnnearCfon

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 16/11/2009 15:11:46
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Superman is flying around when he spots wonerwomen sunbathing naked on top of a skyscraper. He thinks Ive always fancied her. I could fly down, **** her and be gone before she even knows it. So he does, flies down fucks her and is gone in a split second.

"**** me what was that" wonder women says. "I dont know but my ass is ******* sore" replies the invisible man.
IP: 78.144.184.226
JohnnearCfon

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 11/12/2009 12:03:14
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Tiger Woods Jokes

What's the difference between a car and a golf ball?
Tiger Woods can drive a golf ball 300 yards.

Why did Tiger Woods hit a fire hydrant and a tree?
He couldn't decide between an iron or a wood.

Tiger Woods wife is the only person who can beat him with a golf club!

What were Tiger Woods and his wife doing out at 2.30 in the morning?
They went clubbing

What club did Elin use to 'rescue' her husband?
A bitching wedge.

The Chinese are already making a movie about Tiger Woods' crash.
They are calling it, " Scratching Swede, Lying Tiger.

Tiger just changed his nickname but still kept it in the cat family--his new name? Cheetah

What do Tiger Woods and baby seals have in common?
They're both clubbed by Norwegians!

Tiger crashed his car because he was in a rush to move on to the second hole.

IP: 78.145.129.19
AR

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 16/12/2009 11:03:07
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Christmas carols in modern Britain....


The Rocking Song

Little Jesus, sweetly sleep, do not stir;
We will lend a coat of fur,
We will rock you, rock you, rock you,
We will rock you, rock you, rock you


Fur is no longer appropriate wear for small infants, both due to risk of allergy to animal fur, and for ethical reasons. Therefore faux fur, a nice cellular blanket or perhaps micro-fleece material should beconsidered a suitable alternative.
Please note: only persons who have been subject to a Criminal Records Bureau check and have enhanced clearance will be permitted to rock baby Jesus.
Persons must carry their CRB disclosure with them at all times and be prepared to provide three forms of identification before rocking commences.

Jingle Bells

Dashing through the snow -
In a one horse open sleigh,
O'er the fields we go -
Laughing all the way


A risk assessment must be submitted before an open sleigh is considered
Safe for members of the public to travel on. The risk assessment must
also consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a
venture, particularly if passengers are of larger proportions. Please
note, permission must be gained from landowners before entering their fields.
To avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we would
Request that laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be
considered a Noise nuisance.

While Shepherds Watched

While shepherds watched
Their flocks by night,
All seated on the ground
The angel of the Lord came down
And glory shone around ...


The union of Shepherd's has complained that it breaches health and
Safety regulations to insist that shepherds watch their flocks without
Appropriate seating arrangements being provided, therefore benches,
stools and orthopaedic chairs are now available. Shepherds have also requested that
due to the inclement weather conditions at this time of year that they
should watch their flocks via cctv cameras from centrally heated
shepherd observation huts.
Please note, the angel of the lord is reminded that before shining his /
Her glory all around she / he must ascertain that all shepherds have
been Issued with glasses capable of filtering out the harmful effects of UVA,
UVB And Glory.

Rudolph the red nosed reindeer

Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer
had a very shiny nose.
And if you ever saw him,
you would even say it glows ...


You are advised that under the Equal Opportunities for All policy, it is
inappropriate for persons to make comment with regard to the ruddiness
of any part of Mr. R. Reindeer. Further to this, exclusion of Mr R
Reindeer from the Reindeer Games will be considered discriminatory and
disciplinary action will be taken against those found guilty of this
offence. A full investigation will be implemented and sanctions - including suspension
on full pay - will be considered whilst this investigation takes place.

Little Donkey

Little donkey, little donkey on the dusty road;
Got to keep on plodding onwards with your precious load ...


The RSPCA have issued strict guidelines with regard to how heavy a load
That a donkey of small stature is permitted to carry, also included in
the guidelines is guidance regarding how often to feed the donkey and how
many rest breaks are required over a four hour plodding period. Please
note that due to the increased risk of pollution from the dusty road, Mary
and Joseph are required to wear face masks to prevent inhalation of any
airborne particles. The donkey has expressed his discomfort at being labelled
'little' and would prefer just to be simply referred to as Mr. Donkey.
To comment upon his height or lack thereof may be considered an
infringement of his equine rights.

We Three Kings

We three kings of Orient are
Bearing gifts we traverse afar -
Field and fountain, moor and mountain
Following yonder star ...


Whilst the gift of gold is still considered acceptable - as it may be
redeemed at a later date through such organisations as 'cash for gold'
etc, gifts of frankincense and myrrh are not appropriate due to the
potential risk of oils and fragrances causing allergic reactions. A suggested gift
alternative would be to make a donation to a worthy cause in the
recipients name or perhaps give a gift voucher.
We would not advise that the traversing kings rely on navigation by
stars in order to reach their destinations and suggest the use of RAC
routefinder or satellite navigation, which will provide the quickest route and
advice regarding fuel consumption. Please note as per the guidelines from the
RSPCA for Mr Donkey, the camels carrying the three kings of Orient will
Require regular food and rest breaks. Facemasks for the three kings are
also advisable due to the likelihood of dust from the camels hooves.


--

I sold my soul to Satan, but he brought it back and demanded a refund....
IP: 194.159.145.70
ICLOK

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 26/12/2009 15:21:00
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How can you tell when Gordon Browns lying.... His lips move!!!
-------------------------------------------------------------
How many Labour MPs does it take to change a light bulb... All of them, 1 to buy it and fit it and the rest to claim it on expenses!!
-------------------------------------------------------------
Tony Blair was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked the Prime Minister if he would like to lead the discussion on the word "tragedy".
So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a "tragedy".
One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field & a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a 'tragedy'".
"No," said Blair, "that would be an accident."
A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying fifty children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a Tragedy."
"I'm afraid not," explained the Prime Minister, "that's what we would call a great loss."
The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Tony searched the room.
"Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of Tragedy?"
Finally, at the back of the room, a small boy raised his hand...In a quiet voice he said: "If the Air plane carrying you and Mrs Blair was struck by a "friendly fire" missile & blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy."
"Fantastic!" exclaimed Tony Blair. "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be tragedy?"
"Well," says the boy "it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be an accident either!"
------------------------------------------------------------
There was a young man named Gordon who bought a donkey from an old farmer for £100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.
When the farmer drove up the next day he says, "I am sorry but I have some bad news - the donkey is on my truck but he's dead!"
Gordon replied, "Well then, just give me my money back".
"I can't do that" replied the farmer, "I went out and spent it already."
Gordon said "Ok just unload the donkey anyway".
The farmer asked "What are you gonna do with a dead donkey?"
"I'll raffle him off" said Gordon.
The farmer exclaimed, "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"
But Gordon with a big smile on his face said, "Sure I can. Watch. Just don't tell anyone the donkey is dead."
A month later the farmer met up with Gordon and asked, "What happened to the dead donkey?"
Gordon said, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at £2.00 each and made a huge profit."
Totally amazed the farmer asked "Didn't anyone complain that you had stolen their money because you lied about the donkey being dead?"
To which Gordon replied, "The only one who found out about the donkey being dead was the raffle winner when he came to claim his prize. So I gave him his £2.00 back plus £200.00 extra which is double the going value of a dead donkey so he thought I was a great guy."
Wait for it...........

Gordon grew up and eventually became Chancellor of the Exchequer and no matter how many times he lied or how much money he stole from the British voters, as long as he gave them back some of the stolen money, most of them thought he was a great guy.




--

Wat a lo da gob ul dyg ook
IP: 92.27.0.223
ICLOK

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 20/01/2010 09:35:53
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During a recent PASSWORD AUDIT at the Bank Of Ireland it was found that Paddy O'Toole was using the following password:

MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofyDublin

When Paddy was asked why he had such a long password : he replied

'Bejazus! are yez feckin' stupid? Shore Oi was told me password had to be at least 8 characters long and include one capital'



--

Wat a lo da gob ul dyg ook
IP: 89.241.168.194
Wormster

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 22/01/2010 15:20:35
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No word of a lie:

I used to work in the Oxford exam schools many years ago collating results, on an "O" level Biology paper:

Q: Define one of the identifying characteristics of an octopus.

A: It has 8 testicles.

In the comments margin the marking examiner had written:

"What a load of B******S!"

had to stop for a good giggle at that one!

--

Better to regret something you have done - than to regret something you have not done.
IP: 78.145.194.70
hymac580c

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 27/01/2010 17:25:55
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I JUST NEED A NAP
An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard.
I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home, and was well taken care of.

He calmly came over to me, I gave him a few pats on his head;
he then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the
hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep.

An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.
The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard, walked inside and resumed his spot in the hall, and again slept for about an hour.
This continued off and on for several weeks.
Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: 'I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is,
and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon, your dog comes to my house for a nap..'
The next day, he arrived for his nap with a different note pinned to his collar:
'He lives in a home with 6 children, 2 under the age of 3 - he's trying to catch up on his sleep.
Can I come with him tomorrow?'

--

I'r pant yr rhed y dwr.
IP: 195.93.21.39
Monty Stubble

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 29/01/2010 06:19:11
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Why she changed hotels!



Last week, I checked into the Four Seasons in Palm Beach and was a bit lonely. I thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages."

I looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony -a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo. He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six pack abs and I felt
quite certain I could bounce a quarter off his well oiled butt.... you get the picture. I figured, what the heck, I'll give him a call.

"Hello, ma'am, how may I help you?"

. . . Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy! Afraid I would lose my nerve if I hesitated I rushed right in, "Hi, I hear you give a great massage, I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night -tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream,
anything and everything baby. Now how does that sound?"

He says, "Oh my God... that sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line."
IP: 82.18.205.43
hymac580c

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 01/02/2010 18:29:10
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A group of 40 year-old buddies discuss and discuss where they should meet for dinner.

Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen restaurant because the waitresses there have low cut blouses and nice breasts.



10 years later, at 50 years of age, the group meets and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because the food there is very good and the wine selection is good also.



10 years later at 60 years of age, the group meets and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because they can eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant is smoke free.



10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group meets and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because the restaurant is wheel chair accessible and they even have an elevator.



10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group meets and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because that would be a great idea as they have never been there before.



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