Mine exploration, photographs and mining history for mine explorers, industrial archaeologists, researchers and historians Mine explorer and mining history videos on YouTube Connect with other mine explorers on Facebook
Tip: do not include 'mine' or 'quarry', search by name e.g. 'cwmorthin', use 'Sounds like search' if unsure of spelling

Advanced Search
'Sounds like search'
Quick a b c d e f g h i j k l m n o p q r s t u v w x y z
Tip: narrow down your search by typing more than one word and selecting 'Search for all words' or 'Exact search'

Search for any word
Search for all words
Exact search
Tip: narrow down your search by typing more than one word and selecting 'Search for all words' or 'Exact search'

Search for any word
Search for all words
Exact search

Mine Exploration Forum

Jump to page << < 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 35 > >>
Author Vanoord's a Joke
Vanoord

Avatar of Vanoord

Joined: 28/11/2005
Location: North Wales

View Profile
View Posts
View Personal Album
View Personal Files
View all Photos
Send Private Message
Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 25/09/2009 10:08:28
Reply |  Quote
The following is an actual question given on University of Washington chemistry mid term.

The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.

The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct... leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+

--

Filling space until a new signature comes along...
IP: 81.130.122.150
kate tyler

Avatar of kate tyler

Joined: 26/02/2008
Location: Cumbria

View Profile
View Posts
View Personal Album
View Personal Files
View all Photos
Send Private Message
Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 29/09/2009 17:06:59
Reply |  Quote
Genius Laugh IP: 81.143.16.49
davel

Avatar of davel

Joined: 24/07/2007
Location: Gwynedd

View Profile
View Posts
View Personal Album
View Personal Files
View all Photos
Send Private Message
Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 29/09/2009 19:22:23
Reply |  Quote
[web link]

Well, the audience at the closing session of Hidden Earth thought it amusing ...

Dave
IP: 195.137.87.110
Roy Morton

Avatar of Roy Morton

Joined: 09/10/2007
Location: Redruth Cornwall

View Profile
View Posts
View Personal Album
View Personal Files
View all Photos
Send Private Message
Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 02/10/2009 01:45:17
Reply |  Quote
Give that man a Phd ! Superb! Thumbs Up Thumbs Up

--

'Bid me discourse, I will enchant thine ear'
IP: 81.153.209.152
ICLOK

Avatar of ICLOK

Joined: 19/02/2008
Location: Ripley, Derbyshire up North.

View Profile
View Posts
View Personal Album
View Personal Files
View all Photos
Send Private Message
Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 07/10/2009 17:18:53
Reply |  Quote
Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle, they walk over to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, 'Dat's dem.'

The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.

'Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere,' says Gerry.

The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box.

Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass.

At the Connor Pass , Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, 'Dis looks like a grand place.'

He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff.

Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead.

Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says, 'Fook dat. Dis budgie jumping is too fook'n dangerous for me!'

THERE'S MORE...

Moment's later; Seamus arrives up at ConnorPass.

He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other.

'Hi, Paddy, watch dis,' Seamus says.

He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free.

He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun.

Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot.

Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body.

Paddy shakes his head and says, 'And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either!'

IT IS NOT OVER YET...

Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean appears.

He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box out of which he pulls a chicken.

Sean then takes the chicken by its legs and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.

Once more Paddy shakes his head.

'Fook dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting... And now Sean and his fook'n hengliding!'


--

'Sir, I am unaware of any such activity or operation - nor would I be disposed to discuss such an operation if it did in fact exist, sir.'
IP: 92.27.45.101
rhychydwr

Avatar of rhychydwr

Joined: 09/06/2007
Location: Cwmparc, Rhondda, South Wales, UK.

View Profile
View Posts
View Personal Album
View Personal Files
View all Photos
Send Private Message
Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 07/10/2009 18:14:50
Reply |  Quote
Vanood, that is a racial joke, be afraid, very afraid Ban Me

--

Cutting coal in my spare time.
IP: 78.147.199.32
ICLOK

Avatar of ICLOK

Joined: 19/02/2008
Location: Ripley, Derbyshire up North.

View Profile
View Posts
View Personal Album
View Personal Files
View all Photos
Send Private Message
Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 07/10/2009 20:06:00
Reply |  Quote
Feel free.... no one speaks to me anyway!

--

'Sir, I am unaware of any such activity or operation - nor would I be disposed to discuss such an operation if it did in fact exist, sir.'
IP: 92.26.118.140
JohnnearCfon

Avatar of JohnnearCfon

Joined: 22/12/2005
Location: Sir Caernarfon

View Profile
View Posts
View Personal Album
View Personal Files
View all Photos
Send Private Message
Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 07/10/2009 20:51:13
Reply |  Quote
You would have been okay ICLOK if you had mentioned how tall Paddy was rhychydwr1 would have been content then! Big Grin IP: 92.28.151.82
Vanoord

Avatar of Vanoord

Joined: 28/11/2005
Location: North Wales

View Profile
View Posts
View Personal Album
View Personal Files
View all Photos
Send Private Message
Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 07/10/2009 21:12:54
Reply |  Quote
rhychydwr1 wrote:

Vanood, that is a racial joke, be afraid, very afraid Ban Me


Laugh

I'd ban ICLOK for the terrible nature of his joke, but I still owe him a day in a mine up here! Wink

--

Filling space until a new signature comes along...
IP: 217.44.159.208
Minegeo

Avatar of Minegeo

Joined: 17/06/2008
Location: Ireland

View Profile
View Posts
View Personal Album
View Personal Files
View all Photos
Send Private Message
Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 08/10/2009 15:16:14
Reply |  Quote
Here in Ireland there is now a serious shortage of hens, budgies and parrots. The papers are full of similar incidents but so far, unfortunately, none of our government ministers have taken up the sports.!

Wink
IP: 190.71.19.158
ICLOK

Avatar of ICLOK

Joined: 19/02/2008
Location: Ripley, Derbyshire up North.

View Profile
View Posts
View Personal Album
View Personal Files
View all Photos
Send Private Message
Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 08/10/2009 15:35:19
Reply |  Quote
Here in Derbyshire men are men and sheep are still worried... Blink

--

'Sir, I am unaware of any such activity or operation - nor would I be disposed to discuss such an operation if it did in fact exist, sir.'
IP: 78.149.11.249
patch

Joined: 09/07/2008
Location: North Cumbria

View Profile
View Posts
View Personal Album
View Personal Files
View all Photos
Send Private Message
Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 08/10/2009 22:11:26
Reply |  Quote
Don't worry, police are investigating the three deaths. They suspect fowl play.

--

Don't wait for a light to appear at the end of the tunnel, stride down there and light the damn thing yourself
IP: 79.73.249.171
JohnnearCfon

Avatar of JohnnearCfon

Joined: 22/12/2005
Location: Sir Caernarfon

View Profile
View Posts
View Personal Album
View Personal Files
View all Photos
Send Private Message
Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 09/10/2009 21:36:02
Reply |  Quote
At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue.

While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said: "I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?"

"Good question", noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles."

"Oh", replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way: " What about all these biscuit purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?"

"Ah, yes", replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of holy biscuits."

"I see!" replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi", he went on, "What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"

"Here, too, we do not waste", answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office and about once a year they send us a complete dick."
IP: 92.26.107.0
JohnnearCfon

Avatar of JohnnearCfon

Joined: 22/12/2005
Location: Sir Caernarfon

View Profile
View Posts
View Personal Album
View Personal Files
View all Photos
Send Private Message
Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 11/10/2009 12:56:09
Reply |  Quote
Jamie Oliver !

Just bought Some Sausages from Sainsbury's !
There's a Picture on the front of Jamie Oliver ..
On the back it says " Prick with Fork ! "
.
Can't argue with that .... !


--

Cadwch Cymru'n daclus-Taflwch eich ysbwriel yn LLoeger
IP: 78.146.33.91
AR

Avatar of AR

Joined: 07/11/2007
Location: Knot far from Knotlow in the middle of the Peak District

View Profile
View Posts
View Personal Album
View Personal Files
View all Photos
Send Private Message
Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 14/10/2009 11:01:55
Reply |  Quote

This is a genuine complaint to Devon & Cornwall Police Force from an angry member of the public
A true email sent to the force, lengthy but brilliantly written......

--------------
Dear Sir/Madam/Automated telephone answering service,
Having spent the past twenty minutes waiting for someone at Bodmin police station to pick up a telephone I have decided to abandon the idea and try e-mailing you instead.

Perhaps you would be so kind as to pass this message on to your colleagues in Bodmin, by means of smoke signal, carrier pigeon or Ouija board.

As I'm writing this e-mail there are eleven failed medical experiments (I think you call them youths) in St Mary's Crescent, which is just off St Mary's Road in Bodmin.

Six of them seem happy enough to play a game which involves kicking a football against an iron gate with the force of a meteorite. This causes an earth shattering CLANG! which rings throughout the entire building.
This game is now in its third week and as I am unsure how the scoring system works, I have no idea if it will end any time soon.

The remaining five failed-abortions are happily rummaging through several bags of rubbish and items of furniture that someone has so thoughtfully dumped beside the wheelie bins. One of them has found a saw and is setting about a discarded chair like a beaver on ecstasy pills.

I fear that it's only a matter of time before they turn their limited attention to the caravan gas bottle that is lying on its side between the two bins.
If they could be relied on to only blow their own arms and legs off then I would happily leave them to it. I would even go so far as to lend them the matches.

Unfortunately they are far more likely to blow up half the street with them and I've just finished decorating the kitchen.

What I suggest is this - after replying to this e-mail with worthless assurances that the matter is being looked into and will be dealt with, why not leave it until the one night of the year (probably bath night) when there are no mutants around then drive up the street in a Panda car before doing a three point turn and disappearing again. This will of course serve no other purpose than to remind us what policemen actually look like.

I trust that when I take a claw hammer to the skull of one of these throwbacks you'll do me the same courtesy of giving me a four month head start before coming to arrest me.

I remain your obedient servant
???????

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Mr ??????,

I have read your e-mail and understand your frustration at the problems caused by youths playing in the area and the problems you have encountered in trying to contact the police.

As the Community Beat Officer for your street I would like to extend an offer of discussing the matter fully with you.

Should you wish to discuss the matter, please provide contact details (address / telephone number) and when may be suitable.

Regards
PC ???????
Community Beat Officer

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear PC ???????
First of all I would like to thank you for the speedy response to my original e-mail.

16 hours and 38 minutes must be a personal record for Bodmin Police Station, and rest assured that I will forward these details to Norris McWhirter for inclusion in his next Guinness book.

Secondly I was delighted to hear that our street has its own Community Beat Officer.

May I be the first to congratulate you on your covert skills? In the five or so years I have lived in St Mary's Crescent , I have never seen you. Do you hide up a tree or have you gone deep undercover and infiltrated the gang itself? Are you the one with the acne and the moustache on his forehead or the one with a chin like a wash hand basin? It's surely only a matter of time before you are head-hunted by MI5 to look for Osama.

Whilst I realise that there may be far more serious crimes taking place in Bodmin, such as smoking in a public place or being Christian without due care and attention, is it too much to ask for a policeman to explain (using words of no more than two syllables at a time) to these twats that they might want to play their strange football game elsewhere.

The pitch on Fairpark Road , or the one at Priory Park are both within spitting distance as is the bottom of the Par Dock, the latter being the preferred option especially if the tide is in.

Should you wish to discuss these matters further you should feel free to contact me on . If after 25 minutes I have still failed to answer, I'll buy you a large one in the Cat and Fiddle Pub.

Regards
?????????

P.S If you think that this is sarcasm, think yourself lucky that you don't work for the sewerage department with whom I am also in contact !!!


--

I sold my soul to Satan, but he brought it back and demanded a refund....
IP: 194.159.145.70
AR

Avatar of AR

Joined: 07/11/2007
Location: Knot far from Knotlow in the middle of the Peak District

View Profile
View Posts
View Personal Album
View Personal Files
View all Photos
Send Private Message
Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 14/10/2009 11:04:19
Reply |  Quote
JohnnearCfon wrote:

Jamie Oliver !

Just bought Some Sausages from Sainsbury's !
There's a Picture on the front of Jamie Oliver ..
On the back it says " Prick with Fork ! "
.
Can't argue with that .... !


It was actually Ainsley Harriot this happened to , I've got a photo somewhere of the packaging on his own-brand sausages which showed him holding a fork but then had the cooking instructions underneath.....

--

I sold my soul to Satan, but he brought it back and demanded a refund....
IP: 194.159.145.70
JohnnearCfon

Avatar of JohnnearCfon

Joined: 22/12/2005
Location: Sir Caernarfon

View Profile
View Posts
View Personal Album
View Personal Files
View all Photos
Send Private Message
Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 14/10/2009 12:55:10
Reply |  Quote
Bodmin must be behind the times! In this area we don't have Community Beat Officers! Oh no, we have Community Beat Managers! IP: 89.242.172.102
patch

Joined: 09/07/2008
Location: North Cumbria

View Profile
View Posts
View Personal Album
View Personal Files
View all Photos
Send Private Message
Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 14/10/2009 22:43:43
Reply |  Quote
AR, Have you been to Tesco's?
They advertise

"THICK IRISH SAUSAGES"

Racist or what?

--

Don't wait for a light to appear at the end of the tunnel, stride down there and light the damn thing yourself
IP: 79.65.212.200
Boy Engineer

Joined: 20/06/2008
Location: Derby

View Profile
View Posts
View Personal Album
View Personal Files
View all Photos
Send Private Message
Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 18/10/2009 15:46:40
Reply |  Quote
Just received the following from No.1 son in Majorca. Apologies for poor taste.

you heard about Michael Jackson rubbing his hands together up in heaven...

he thought he'd over heard Peter telling God there was a lad up on his way from a boys home.
IP: 91.107.252.34
rhychydwr

Avatar of rhychydwr

Joined: 09/06/2007
Location: Cwmparc, Rhondda, South Wales, UK.

View Profile
View Posts
View Personal Album
View Personal Files
View all Photos
Send Private Message
Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 18/10/2009 16:07:52
Reply |  Quote
Yes, very poor taste. MJ would never get to heaven. He is in the other place.

--

Cutting coal in my spare time.
IP: 78.147.0.140
Jump to page << < 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 35 > >>
Safety LED Miners Caplamps Moore Books: Specialist Books I.A. Recordings: Mining and Industrial History DVDs Starless River - Caving Store Explore a Disused Welsh Slate Mine
Disclaimer: Mine exploring can be quite dangerous, but then again it can be alright, it all depends on the weather. Please read the proper disclaimer.
© 2005 to 2015 AditNow.co.uk
Top of Page