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Author Vanoord's a Joke
JohnnearCfon

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Joined: 22/12/2005
Location: Sir Caernarfon

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 27/06/2009 20:48:17
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As a tribute to Michael.... I'll be keeping his unique look alive by strapping a shovel to my chin and replacing my nose with a marshmallow.

I'll be using those eyelash implants and white flour to achieve those FABULOUS skin tones which gave Michael such a natural look!


--

Cadwch Cymru'n daclus-Taflwch eich ysbwriel yn LLoeger
IP: 84.13.16.11
JohnnearCfon

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Joined: 22/12/2005
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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 14/07/2009 20:22:03
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I am just recovering from a heavy cold. I did wonder if its was swine flu as I felt piggin' awful. Phoned NHS 24 but just got crackling on the line. Went to the doctor and he apologised for the state of his office as it was like a pigstye. He told me to trotter in and gave me some oinkment. Now I have to lie in the mud, but its too hot I may feel like I am bakin' (bacon....get it?!)




--

Cadwch Cymru'n daclus-Taflwch eich ysbwriel yn LLoeger
IP: 89.242.32.190
ICLOK

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Joined: 19/02/2008
Location: Ripley, Derbyshire up North.

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 14/07/2009 23:35:14
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John that was (get ready for it).... Roll Eyes

Piggin Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeak..... Laugh

--

Never get out of the boat. Absolutely goddamn right. Unless you were goin' all the way..
IP: 78.150.53.52
Lister

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Joined: 07/10/2007
Location: Helsby, Cheshire

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 15/07/2009 00:24:49
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Michael Jackson's favorite song used to be 'ABC' until he found out it stood for Airway, Breathing, Circulation!!

...Lister;~) Shocked
IP: 86.1.7.76
AR

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Location: Knot far from Knotlow in the middle of the Peak District

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 15/07/2009 13:37:45
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At last Gordon Brown decided to throw the towel in and resign. His cabinet colleagues decided it would be a worthy gesture to name a railway locomotive after him. So a senior civil servant went from Whitehall to the National Railway Museum at York , to investigate the possibilities.

"We have a number of locomotives at the NRM without names" the Director told the top civil servant. "Mostly freight locomotives though."

"Oh dear, that's not very fitting for a prime minister" said the civil servant. "How about that big green one, over there?" he said, pointing to number 4472.

"That's already got a name" said the director. "It's called 'Flying Scotsman'."

"Oh. Couldn't it be renamed?" asked the civil servant. "This is a national museum after all, funded by the taxpayer."

"I suppose it might be considered," said the director. "After all, the LNER renamed a number of their locomotives after directors of the company, and even renamed one of them Dwight D Eisenhower."

"That's excellent", said the civil servant, "So that's settled then .. let's look at renaming 4472. But how much will it cost? We can't spend too much, given the expenses scandal!"


Well, said the director, "We could always just paint out the 'F'."


Devil

--

I think I'll have the sheep first, then I'll have the abbot
IP: 194.159.145.70
Roy Morton

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Location: Redruth Cornwall

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 15/07/2009 15:57:39
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Now that's my kind of humour!!! Thumbs Up Thumbs Up Thumbs Up

--

'Bid me discourse, I will enchant thine ear'
IP: 81.153.210.132
ICLOK

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Joined: 19/02/2008
Location: Ripley, Derbyshire up North.

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 15/07/2009 16:29:28
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Yep thanks... that hit the spot... forwarded to several railway people who all gave it 10 out of 10 Laugh

--

Never get out of the boat. Absolutely goddamn right. Unless you were goin' all the way..
IP: 78.150.37.113
JohnnearCfon

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 23/07/2009 13:02:30
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HOLY SOAP

Two priests are off to the showers late one night

They undress and jump into the showers before they realize there is no soap.

Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress.

He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand, and heads back to the showers.

He is halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way.

Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall an freezes like he's a statue.

The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks.

The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood.

Startled he drops a bar of soap, look says the first nun, it's a soap dispenser.

To test her theory the second nun also pulls on his manhood. Sure enough, he drops the second bar of soap.

Now the third nun decides to have a go. She pulls once, then twice and three times but nothing happens.

So she gives several tugs, then yells "Holy Mary, Mother of God! Hand lotion too!


--

Cadwch Cymru'n daclus-Taflwch eich ysbwriel yn LLoeger
IP: 84.13.21.154
SimonRL

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Joined: 27/11/2005
Location: North Wales

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 12/08/2009 11:56:48
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A lorry load of tortoises has crashed into a lorry load of terrapins...
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
It's a turtle disaster...
IP: 83.148.135.213 Edited: 12/08/2009 11:57:21 by SimonRL
Captain Scarlet

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Location: The Cumbrian Underground

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 26/08/2009 11:07:24
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A man goes in to Tesco for a sandwich one day to find his wife with
another man walking around doing some shopping. He leaves and goes
back to work enraged at what he saw. He decides not confront his wife
but to keep going back to Tesco to see if this is a regular thing. To
his dismay he finds that it is, and that it happens every Friday
lunchtime. The man keeps quiet for a couple of months going to Tesco
every Friday lunchtime in order to follow the unknown man and his wife
around the shop.

The man can take no more and begins drinking in his local every chance
he gets. One evening he is telling a man at the bar about his dilemma
and asks him what he should do. The man replies that he knows someone
who would do them both over and will arrange a meeting if he wants. A
meeting is arranged for the following evening in the pub.

The man is introduced to a huge bloke called Arti. He tells him the
story and Arti says that he will do them over together in Tesco. The
man asks about a fee and Arti tells him that he loves to kill people
and will accept a token fee of a pound. The deal is done and the place
is set to Tesco on Friday lunchtime.

Arti awaits their arrival and follows them around the shop for a while
and then pounces on them, strangling them both with his bare hands. As
Arti runs out of the shop two security guards tackle him to the ground
and wait for the police. He is caught and tried for murder and found
guilty. The headline in the paper the next day read:

ARTI CHOKES TWO FOR A POUND AT TESCO

--

You die, we split your kit - You don't die, we split your kit anyway!
IP: 195.8.188.42
Captain Scarlet

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 26/08/2009 15:14:38
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Patrick walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the corner of the room, drinking a sip out of each pint in turn. When he had finished all three, he went back to the bar and ordered three more.

The barman says, "You know a pint goes flat soon after I pull it ... your pint would taste better if you bought one at a time."

Patrick replies, "Well now, I have two brodders, one is in America and de odder in Australia and here I am in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised dat we'd drink dis way to remember de days we all drank togedder."

The barman admits that this is a nice custom and says no more.

Patrick becomes a regular customer and always drinks the same way ... ordering three pints and drinking a sip out of each in turn, until they are finished. One day, he comes in and orders just two pints. All the other regulars in the bar notice and fall silent.

When he goes back to the bar for the second round, the barman says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."

Patrick looks confused for a moment, then the penny drops and he starts to laugh, "Oh no," he says, "Bejesus, everyone is fine! Tis me ... I've quit drinking!"


--

You die, we split your kit - You don't die, we split your kit anyway!
IP: 195.8.188.42
Vanoord

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 26/08/2009 18:12:03
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The terrorism threat has dropped significantly since Susan Boyle appeared on 'Britain's Got Talent'.





Apparently they didn't realise what a virgin looked like...

--

Filling space until a new signature comes along...
IP: 81.130.81.119
Captain Scarlet

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 27/08/2009 08:07:42
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THE BROTHEL

The madam opened the brothel door in Glasgow and saw a rather
dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early
fifties.
"May I help you sir?" she asked.
"I want to see Valerie," the man replied.
"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would
prefer someone else", said the madam.
"No, I must see Valerie," he replied.
Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged
£5000 a visit.. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand
pounds and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour,
the man calmly left...
The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see
Valerie... Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights
in a row, as she was so expensive. There were no discounts. The price
was still £5000.
Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went
upstairs. After an hour, he left.
The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was
astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid
Valerie and they went upstairs.
After their session, Valerie said to the man, "No one has ever been with
me three nights in a row. Where are you from?"
The man replied, " Edinburgh ."
"Really", she said. "I have family in Edinburgh .."
"I know." the man said. "Your sister died, and I'm her solicitor. I was
instructed to deliver your £15,000 inheritance in person."
The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain:


1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer


--

You die, we split your kit - You don't die, we split your kit anyway!
IP: 195.8.188.42
hymac580c

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Joined: 28/05/2007
Location: Blaenau Ffestiniog

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 28/08/2009 09:48:00
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From The London Times:
A Well-Planned Retirement



Outside England's Bristol Zoo there is a parking lot
for 150 cars and 8 buses. For 25 years, its'
parking fees were managed by a very pleasant

attendant. The fees were £1 for cars ($1.40),
£5 for busses (about $7).


Then, after working for 25 years and never missing a
day of work, he just didn't show up; so the Zoo
Management called the City Council and asked it
to send them another parking agent.

The Council did some research and replied that
the parking lot was the Zoo's own responsibility.
The Zoo advised the Council that the attendant was
a City employee.
The City Council responded that the lot attendant
had never been on the City payroll.



Meanwhile, sitting in his villa on the coast of Spain
(or some such scenario),
is a man who'd apparently had a
ticket machine installed completely on his own; and then
had simply begun to show up every day, commencing
to collect and keep the parking fees, estimated at about
$560 per day -- for 25 years.
Assuming 7 days a week, this amounts to just over
$7 million dollars!
....
And no one even knows his name.


IP: 195.93.21.33
Captain Scarlet

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 03/09/2009 15:38:36
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A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this
problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. They never
smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least
20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was
farting because they don't smell and are silent."

The doctor says, "I see, take these pills and come back to see me next
week."

The next week the lady goes back. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know
what the hell you gave me, but now my farts... although still
silent... stink terribly."

"Good!" the doctor says, "Now that we've cleared up your sinuses,
let's work on your hearing."

--

You die, we split your kit - You don't die, we split your kit anyway!
IP: 195.8.188.42
Vanoord

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Location: North Wales

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 14/09/2009 12:47:41
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A number of bartenders were asked if they could predict a person's personality based on drink they ordered. Their answers were very consistent:

Female Drinks

She orders: Beer
Meaning: Casual, low-maintenance, down to earth.
Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.

She orders: Blender Drinks
Meaning: Whiny, annoying, high maintenance.
Approach: Avoid her unless you want to be her cabin boy.

She orders: Mixed Drinks
Meaning: Older, more refined, very picky; knows exactly what she wants.
Approach: You won't have to approach her. If she is interested, she'll send you a drink.

She orders: Wine (other than Blue Nun)
Meaning: Conservative and classy. Sophisticated, yet giggles.
Approach: Tell her you love to travel and spend quiet evenings with friends.

She orders: Blue Nunl
Meaning: Easy. Thinks she is classy and sophisticated. Actually clueless.
Approach: Make her feel smarter than she is. This should be an easy.

She orders: Shots
Meaning: Likes to get totally drunk... and naked.
Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. You have been blessed this evening. Nothing to do but wait.

Male Drinks

He orders: Beer
Meaning: He's poor and wants to get laid.

He orders: Imported Beer
Meaning: He likes good beer, isn't poor, and wants to get laid.

He orders: Wine
Meaning: He's hoping that drinking wine will make him look sophisticated and help him get laid.

He orders: Whiskey
Meaning: He doesn't care about anything but getting laid.

He orders: Cider
Meaning: He's thinking the toothless waitress looks good.

He orders: Vodka and mixer
Meaning: He's gay.

--

Filling space until a new signature comes along...
IP: 81.130.122.150
Vanoord

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Location: North Wales

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 18/09/2009 11:58:36
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Mr Duck is entertaining a prostitute in his hotel
room, when he realises he doesn't have any
protection. He phones down to reception and asks
for a condom. "Certainly, Sir", comes a reply,
"Shall I put that on your bill?"

"No!" replied the duck, "What do you think I
am, some sort of pervert?"

--

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IP: 81.130.122.150
Vanoord

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Location: North Wales

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 20/09/2009 19:07:21
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Kayne West (who he?) has commented on AditNow: [web link]



--

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IP: 86.132.231.218
rhychydwr

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Joined: 09/06/2007
Location: Cwmparc, Rhondda, South Wales, UK.

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 20/09/2009 20:24:54
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How do I get this ****** off my screen?

--

Cutting coal in my spare time.
IP: 78.146.83.128
Vanoord

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 20/09/2009 20:28:53
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Just type the website address as normal!

[web link] Wink

--

Filling space until a new signature comes along...
IP: 83.148.135.213 Edited: 20/09/2009 22:47:59 by (moderator)
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