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Author Vanoord's a Joke
hymac580c

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Location: Blaenau Ffestiniog

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 16/03/2009 21:12:16
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Animals you will find in a pair of ladies tights -
Two calves, a cat and a dead fish that nobody can find.

--

By the time you realise your father was right, you will have a son or daughter that will tell you that you are wrong.
IP: 195.93.21.33
Vanoord

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 31/03/2009 13:42:44
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A true story, apparently...

In Stuttgart, Germany, a court judge must decide on a case of honorable intentions in a situation where a man hired his neighbor to get his wife pregnant.

It seems that Demetrius Soupolos, 29, and his former beauty queen wife, Traute, wanted a child badly, but Demetrius was told by a doctor that he was sterile.

So, Soupolos, after calming his wife's protests, hired his neighbor, Frank Maus, 34, to impregnate her. Since Maus was already married and the father of two children, plus looked very much like Soupolos to boot, the plan seemed good.

Soupolos paid Maus $2,500 for the job and for three evenings a week for the next six months, Maus tried desperately, a total of 72 different times, to impregnate Traute.

When his own wife objected, he explained, "I don't like this any more than you. I'm simply doing it for the money. Try and understand."

When Traute failed to get pregnant after six months, however, Soupolos was not understanding and insisted that Maus have a medical examination, which he did.

The doctor's announcement that Maus was also sterile shocked everyone except his wife, who was forced to confess that Maus was not the real father of their two children.

Now Soupolos is suing Maus for breach of contract in an effort to get his money back, but Maus refuses to give it up because he said he did not guarantee conception, but only that he would give an honest effort.

--

Filling space until a new signature comes along...
IP: 81.148.105.252
hymac580c

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 12/04/2009 09:33:13
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It's time again for the annual 'Stella Awards'!

For those unfamiliar with these awards, they are named
after 81- year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled hot coffee on herself
and successfully sued the McDonald's in New Mexico , where
she purchased coffee. You remember, she took the lid off the
coffee and put it between her knees while she was driving. Who would
ever think one could get burned doing that, right That's right;
these are awards for the most outlandish lawsuits and verdicts in the U. S.

*SEVENTH PLACE*
Kathleen Robertson of Austin , Texas was awarded $80,000 by
a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler
who was running inside a furniture store. The store owners were
understandably surprised by the verdict, considering the
running toddler was her own son.

*SIXTH PLACE*
Carl Truman, 19, of Los Angeles , California won $74,000 plus
medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand
with a Honda Accord. Truman apparently didn't notice there
was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to
steal his neighbor's hubcaps.

*FIFTH PLACE*
Terrence Dickson, of Bristol, Pennsylvania, who was leaving
a house he had just burglarized by way of the garage. Unfortunately
for Dickson, the automatic garage door opener malfunctioned and
he could not get the garage door to open. Worse, he couldn't
re-enter the house because the door connecting the garage to the house
locked when Dickson pulled it shut. Forced to sit for eight, count
'em, EIGHT days and survive on a case of Pepsi and a large bag of dry
dog food, he sued the homeowner's insurance company claiming
undue mental Anguish. Amazingly, the jury said the insurance company
must pay Dickson $500,000 for his anguish.

*FOURTH PLACE*
Jerry Williams, of Little Rock, Arkansas,
was awarded $14,500 plus medical expenses after being bitten on
the butt by his next door neighbor's beagle - even though the beagle
was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. Williams did not get as much
as he asked for because the jury believed the beagle might have been
provoked at the time of the butt bite because Williams had climbed
over the fence into the yard and repeatedly shot the dog with a pellet gun.

*THIRD PLACE*
Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania because a jury
ordered a Philadelphia restaurant to pay her $113,500 after she
slipped on a spilled soft drink and broke her tailbone. The reason the
soft drink was on the floor: Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend
30 seconds earlier during an argument.

*SECOND PLACE*
Kara Walton, of Claymont, Delaware sued the owner of a
night club in a nearby city because she fell from the bathroom window to
the floor, knocking out her two front teeth. Even though Ms. Walton
was trying to sneak through the ladies room window to avoid paying the
$3.50 cover charge, the jury said the night club had to pay her
$12,000.....oh, yeah, plus dental expenses. Go figure.

*FIRST PLACE*
This year's runaway First Place Stella Award winner
was: Mrs. Merv Grazinski, of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma, who purchased new
32-foot Winnebago motor home. On her first trip home, from an OU
football game, having driven on to the freeway, she set the cruise
control at 70 mph and calmly left the driver's seat to go to the
back of the Winnebago to make herself a sandwich. Not surprisingly, the
motor home left the freeway, crashed and overturned.
Mrs. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not putting
in the owner's manual that she couldn't actually leave the
driver's seat while the cruise control was set. The Oklahoma jury awarded
her, are you sitting down $1,750,000 PLUS a new motor home.
Winnebago actually changed their manuals as a result of this suit,
just in case Mrs. Grazinski has any relatives who might also buy a motor
home.

Are we, as a society, getting more stupid.... or are more
members of Congress serving on juries these days?

Isn’t all this just another way that the 12 people in a jury abdicate their responsibility for dispensing justice by disappearing into the anonymity of the group. Their own lack of accountability is reflected in their awards to these plaintiffs…and don’t get me started about the ridiculous socialist paranoia that anyone who is successful deserves to be penalized for standing out.

________________________________________

No virus found in this incoming message.


--

By the time you realise your father was right, you will have a son or daughter that will tell you that you are wrong.
IP: 92.20.106.38
rhychydwr

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Vanoord's a Joke / Stella Awards
Posted: 12/04/2009 15:19:11
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Are we, as a society, getting more stupid.... or are more
members of Congress serving on juries these days?



No these are all urban mythes. But don't tell anybody as I am going to pass them on. Big Grin

--

Cutting coal in my spare time.
IP: 88.106.137.185
Vanoord

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 13/04/2009 10:33:53
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after 20 years of suffering from terrible headaches, Jerry goes to the Doctor...

The doctor says: "Jerry, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Jerry is shocked and depressed. He wonders if he had anything to live for. But he has no choice but to go under the knife. When he leaves the hospital, he's without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he feels like he's missing an important part of himself. As he walks down the street, he realises that he feels like a different person. He can make a new beginning and live a new life.

He sees a men's clothing store and thinks, "That's what I need... A new suit. "He enters the shop and tells the elderly Chinese taylor, "I'd like a new suit."

The elderly Chinese tailor looks him up and down and him and says, "Let's see.. Size 44 long."

Jerry laughs, "That's right, how did you know?"

The elderly Chinese tailor replies: "I'm an elderly Chinese tailor, been in the business 50 years, see a lot of men, take a lot of measurements"

Jerry tries on the suit and it fits perfectly.

As Jerry admires himself in the mirror, the elderly Chinese tailor asks: "How about a new shirt?"

Jerry thinks for a moment and then says: "sure"

The elderly Chinese tailor looks Jerry up and down and says, "Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck."

Jerry is surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"

The elderly Chinese tailor replies: "I'm an elderly Chinese tailor, been in the business 50 years, see a lot of men, take a lot of measurements"

Jerry tries on the suit and it fits perfectly.

Jerry walks comfortably around the shop and the elderly Chinese tailor asks, "How about some new underwear?"

Jerry thinks for a moment and then says: "sure"

The elderly Chinese tailor looks Jerry up and down and says, "Let's see... Size 36."

Jerry laughs, "Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old."

The elderly Chinese tailor shakes his head and says, "I'm an elderly Chinese tailor, been in the business 50 years. You can't wear a size 34, you need size 36. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

--

Filling space until a new signature comes along...
IP: 81.139.136.241
JohnnearCfon

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 06/06/2009 18:07:48
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Good news for adventure tourists who want some thing different....

AirFrance have anounced tours to see the Titanic..

Book now.. !!!!!!




--

Cadwch Cymru'n daclus-Taflwch eich ysbwriel yn LLoeger
IP: 89.241.244.0
JohnnearCfon

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 06/06/2009 18:08:52
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David Blaines record for doing nothing in a box for 42 days has just been broken,....










by Jade Goody... !!!




--

Cadwch Cymru'n daclus-Taflwch eich ysbwriel yn LLoeger
IP: 89.241.244.0
Monty Stubble

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 08/06/2009 12:49:09
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Alfonso Alves .... the worst Brazilian since David Blunket shaved his wife's *****. IP: 89.21.2.196
hymac580c

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 08/06/2009 19:37:27
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Where'er you be, let wind go free.
Church or chapel, let the buggers rattle.
IP: 195.93.21.33
Roy Morton

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 10/06/2009 03:58:18
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Dolly Parton and Queen Elizabeth went to the Pearly Gates on the same day.

They both met with an Angel to find out if they would be admitted to Heaven

The angel said 'Unfortunately, there's only one space in Heaven today so I must decide which of one of you will be admitted.'

The Angel asked Dolly if there was some particular reason why she should go to Heaven. Dolly took off her top and said,
'Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity.'

The Angel thanked Dolly, and asked Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth the same question.
The Queen walked over to a toilet, pulled the lever and flushes it without saying a word. The Angel immediately said, 'OK, your Majesty, you may go into Heaven.'

Dolly was outraged and asked, 'What the hell was that all about?... I showed you two of God's own perfect creations and you turned me down..... She simply flushed a commode and she got admitted to Heaven!

Would you explain that to me!!?'

'Sorry, Dolly,' said the Angel, 'but even in Heaven, a royal flush beats a pair...no matter how big they are!' Thumb Up





--

'Bid me discourse, I will enchant thine ear'
IP: 81.153.210.132 Edited: 10/06/2009 04:00:37 by Roy Morton
Roy Morton

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 11/06/2009 02:33:34
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An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return,her Father cussed her.
"Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru?"

The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff,sniff....Dad.....I became a prostitute.. ."

"Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace

to this Catholic family."

"OK, Dad-- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a $5 million savings certificate. For my little brother, this gold Rolex, and for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club...... (takes a breath)..... .. and an invitation for yers all to spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera ."
"Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says Dad.
Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff.....a prostitute Daddy! Sniff, sniff."
"Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl!
I thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and give yer old Dad a hug."





--

'Bid me discourse, I will enchant thine ear'
IP: 81.153.210.132
JohnnearCfon

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 17/06/2009 14:10:43
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Many words change their meanings over time so we would like the teams (you) to suggest new definitions for common words or phrases.

Boulangerie
To heckle underwear

Homophobe
someone who doesn’t like the Simpsons

property
To make the perfect cup of tea

warming
a geordie antique vase


Malady

Rather like a duck


palisade
What the Queen drinks


romantic
a Roman with a twitch


Nymphomaniac
a person with excessive enthusiasm in female spirits


Cocaine
a walking device designed for two people


Vibrator
a scale of emotional reactions between people


Inflammatory
to set light to David Cameron

Psychosomatic
a flea that goes crazy in the heat


Atrophy
What I won at the sack race

Scandals
Sandals with socks

Sawing
too much fruit in your diet

Sanctity
Multiple breasted French woman

Bassinet
a good day for a fisherman

Depend
who stole my writing implement

goblet
a small mouth

shamrock
plastic boulder

damnation
Holland

*****
pickle in pastry

Debtroit
The home of the American automotive industry.

Display
to shun amusement

Wanking
A pale royal leader

sex
what the queen keeps her money in


Outsourced
To have run out of ketchup



--

Cadwch Cymru'n daclus-Taflwch eich ysbwriel yn LLoeger
IP: 89.241.180.38
JohnnearCfon

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 26/06/2009 12:43:36
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Reports of Michael Jackson having a heart attack are incorrect, he has been found in a childrens ward having a stroke...

--

Cadwch Cymru'n daclus-Taflwch eich ysbwriel yn LLoeger
IP: 89.242.251.97
JohnnearCfon

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 26/06/2009 12:47:25
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Farrah Fawcett had plastic surgery & so did Michael Jackson so their funeral if it was a joint funeral would be like a tupperware party!

--

Cadwch Cymru'n daclus-Taflwch eich ysbwriel yn LLoeger
IP: 89.242.251.97
RJV

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 26/06/2009 12:50:57
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Michael Jackson has found that CPR is harder than ABC... IP: 80.254.146.20
JohnnearCfon

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 26/06/2009 12:59:37
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They are gonna bury him at sea.......between two buoys

--

Cadwch Cymru'n daclus-Taflwch eich ysbwriel yn LLoeger
IP: 89.242.251.97
stevem

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 26/06/2009 14:02:15
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Thats terrible...... Laugh Have you no respect for the dead Wink

Having said that....
His heart attack was caused by falling over a pram, however doctors have said it's too early to blame it on the buggy
Innocent

--

May the fleas of a thousand camels infest the crotch of the person who screws up your day and may their arms be too short to scratch.
IP: 192.171.196.149
Manicminer

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 26/06/2009 14:10:20
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What a coincidence, Farrah Fawcett and Michael Jackson dying on the same day. One played with Majors, the other played with minors.

--

Gold is where you find it
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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 26/06/2009 15:21:02
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MJ's will requests that he is melted down and turned into a playstation so that kids can continue to play with him.

Laugh Oh My God



--

'Learning the ropes'
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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 26/06/2009 15:22:39
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MJ has just died & to commemorate his musical achievements Mcdonalds have released the "McJackson Burger"…….Its a 50 year old piece of Albino meat shoved between two 8 year old buns.

Ban Me

--

'Learning the ropes'
IP: 213.146.148.199
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