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Author Vanoord's a Joke
JohnnearCfon

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Joined: 22/12/2005
Location: Sir Caernarfon

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 19/02/2009 19:39:43
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The Black Bra

The other day I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.
One is engaged, one is a mistress, and of course I have
been married for 20+ years.

We were chatting about our relationships and decided to
amaze our men by wearing a black leather bra & bodice,
stiletto heels and a mask over just our eyes. We agreed to
meet in a few days to exchange notes.
Here's how it all went:

My engaged friend:
The other night my boyfriend came over and found me wearing
a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask.
He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams.
I love you.' Then we made love all night long.

The mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and
I was wearing the leather bodice, heels and mask
over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat he
didn't say a word, but we had wild sex all night.

Then I had to share my story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the leather bodice,
black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my
eyes. As soon as he came in the door and saw me he said…
"What's for dinner, Batman?"


--

Cadwch Cymru'n daclus-Taflwch eich ysbwriel yn LLoeger
IP: 89.242.244.70
stevem

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 20/02/2009 11:07:31
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JohnnearCfon wrote:

wearing a black leather bra & bodice,
stiletto heels and a mask


You have just put a horrible picture in my head JnC Big Grin Big Grin

--

May the fleas of a thousand camels infest the crotch of the person who screws up your day and may their arms be too short to scratch.
IP: 192.171.196.149
JohnnearCfon

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 20/02/2009 11:46:42
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Oops

Blush Blush

--

Cadwch Cymru'n daclus-Taflwch eich ysbwriel yn LLoeger
IP: 89.241.210.150
JohnnearCfon

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 20/02/2009 22:36:15
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How do you know when an essex girl has an orgasm?










She drops her bag of chips






--

Cadwch Cymru'n daclus-Taflwch eich ysbwriel yn LLoeger
IP: 89.242.246.131
JohnnearCfon

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 22/02/2009 21:43:24
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Paddy & Murphy , staggered out of The ZOO pouring with blood. ! " BOLLOCKS TO THAT ! " said Paddy, " That's the last time I go f*****g Lion dancing .. !

--

Cadwch Cymru'n daclus-Taflwch eich ysbwriel yn LLoeger
IP: 89.240.94.16 Edited: 22/02/2009 21:44:07 by JohnnearCfon
JohnnearCfon

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 22/02/2009 21:48:04
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It gose in Dry..!
It Comes out Wet...!
The longer it's in, The stronger it gets ..!
It Comes out dripping ..!
And then starts to Sag..!
It's not what you think it is ...!
It's a Tetley's Tea Bag.

--

Cadwch Cymru'n daclus-Taflwch eich ysbwriel yn LLoeger
IP: 89.240.94.16
JohnnearCfon

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 22/02/2009 21:48:56
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What do you call an irishman shot from a gun?

Rick O'Shea


--

Cadwch Cymru'n daclus-Taflwch eich ysbwriel yn LLoeger
IP: 89.240.94.16
JohnnearCfon

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 22/02/2009 21:50:10
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what do you call an irishman hanging from the cieling?

Sean DeLeer

--

Cadwch Cymru'n daclus-Taflwch eich ysbwriel yn LLoeger
IP: 89.240.94.16
JohnnearCfon

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 26/02/2009 14:08:56
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There was this very devout married guy wandering thru her fields without a care in the world.
All of a sudden there was a bright light


"My son, this is Your God speaking to you. You have been good all your life and I want to reward you. What would you like?"

The guy was taken aback and thought deeply for a minute or two

"Well your Greatness. Could you build me a highway straight to Hawaii?"

God thought about it and said "Well it will take up all the resources steel concrete tarmac and all the other things needed to build it. I know I can do it in a flash. But isnt there something else that you want that could praise me?"

The man thought about and said "Yes Lord let me understand my wife - her mind, her silences, and what she means. Help me to understand my blond wife"


And with that God said to the righteous man - wait fo it...


"How many lanes do you want on that highway?"

--

Cadwch Cymru'n daclus-Taflwch eich ysbwriel yn LLoeger
IP: 89.241.241.121
JR

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Location: Lurking near Hereford

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 26/02/2009 15:58:54
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There are these two prawns swimming in the ocean
one named Justin, and one named Christian. And they are constantly terrorised by sharks
so one day, they're swimming around, and Justin turns to Christian and says
"I'm so sick of being terrorised by sharks. They seem to have it so easy. I wish I was a shark." and right then, a magical cod appears and says "Your wish is granted! You are now a shark!"
Lo and behold, Justin is transformed into a shark. Of course, Christian is terrified, and swims away as fast as he can.
So Justin enjoys himself for a while, being the biggest fish in the sea and whatnot
but eventually he grows lonely. All his old friends are scared of him
So one day, he sees the cod again! He can't believe his luck. He goes up to the cod, and he says "Please, can you turn me back into a prawn? I'm so lonely..."
and, Lo and behold! The cod turns him back into a prawn!
Delighted, he calls a big party and has drinks with all his shrimp friends. But he notices
his friend Christian is missing. "Where's Christian?" he asks.
They say "He thinks this is all a trick, he's locked up at home.
So Justin goes and knocks on Christian's door, and says "Please, come out and talk, I've changed back!"
and Christian yells out "No! You're a shark! I won't fall for this!"


wait for it.....





it's coming.....





here it is !!!





"No! That was the old me! I've changed! I found cod, I'm a prawn again, Christian!"


Boom Boom !!

Crying
IP: 88.109.204.146
SimonRL

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Joined: 27/11/2005
Location: North Wales

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 26/02/2009 16:02:57
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Shocked

I'm only glad Vanoord doesn't have the time to type the squid joke out!
IP: 83.148.135.213
stevem

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 26/02/2009 16:05:42
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simonrl wrote:

Shocked

I'm only glad Vanoord doesn't have the time to type the squid joke out!


"fairy liquid"??? Wink

--

May the fleas of a thousand camels infest the crotch of the person who screws up your day and may their arms be too short to scratch.
IP: 192.171.196.149
SimonRL

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 26/02/2009 16:08:20
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Egads, there's two of them that know it! IP: 83.148.135.213
GolowDydh

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 26/02/2009 16:56:27
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I suspect most people over a certain age know it.

--

The past actually happened but history is only what someone wrote down
IP: 81.153.194.217
stevem

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 27/02/2009 08:54:18
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GolowDydh wrote:

I suspect most people over a certain age know it.


Ahemm.... Ban Me


Wink

--

May the fleas of a thousand camels infest the crotch of the person who screws up your day and may their arms be too short to scratch.
IP: 192.171.196.149
ICLOK

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 27/02/2009 12:37:12
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I have a tee shirt with "TURN TO COD AND BECOME A PRAWN AGAIN CRUSTACEAN"...... Roll Eyes



--

Whoops.... don't touch that... too late!!
IP: 78.145.159.56
JohnnearCfon

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 09/03/2009 17:27:39
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Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'

She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,
'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.'

--

Cadwch Cymru'n daclus-Taflwch eich ysbwriel yn LLoeger
IP: 78.145.126.195
stevem

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 13/03/2009 14:23:44
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I went to a seance in a probiotic yoghurt factory the other week. Scared me to death but that will teach me to dabble with the Yakkult... IP: 192.171.196.149
ICLOK

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 13/03/2009 14:35:31
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Outstanding mate! Thumbs Up

--

'There's mines over there, there's mines over there, and watch out those goddamn monkeys bite, I'll tell ya...'
IP: 78.150.71.108
JohnnearCfon

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 15/03/2009 18:58:58
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Installing Love

Tech Support: Yes, ... how can I help you?

Customer: Well, after much consideration, I've decided to install Love. Can you guide me through the process?

Tech Support: Yes. I can help you. Are you ready to proceed?

Customer: Well, I'm not very technical, but I think I'm ready. What do I do first?

Tech Support: The first step is to open your Heart. Have you located your Heart?

Customer: Yes, but there are several other programs running now. Is it okay to install Love while they are running?

Tech Support: What programs are running ?

Customer: Let's see, I have Past Hurt, Low Self-Esteem, Grudge and Resentment running right now.

Tech Support: No problem, Love will gradually erase Past Hurt from your current operating system. It may remain in your permanent memory but it will no longer disrupt other programs. Love will eventually override Low Self-Esteem with a module of its own called High Self-Esteem. However, you have to completely turn off Grudge and Resentment. Those programs prevent Love from being properly installed. Can you turn those off?


Customer: I don't know how to turn them off. Can you tell me how?

Tech Support: With pleasure. Go to your start menu and invoke Forgiveness. Do this as many times as necessary until Grudge
and Resentment have been completely erased.

Customer: Okay, done! Love has started installing itself. Is that normal?

Tech Support: Yes, but remember that you have only the base program. You need to begin connecting to other Hearts in order to get the upgrades.

Customer: Oops! I have an error message already. It says, "Error - Program not run on external components." What should I do?

Tech Support: Don't worry. It means that the Love program is set up to run on Internal Hearts, but has not yet been run on
your Heart. In non-technical terms, it simply means you have to Love yourself before you can Love others.

Customer: So, what should I do?

Tech Support: Pull down Self-Acceptance; then click on the following files: Forgive-Self; Realize Your Worth; and Acknowledge your Limitations.

Customer: Okay, done.

Tech Support: Now, copy them to the "My Heart" directory. The system will overwrite any conflicting files and begin patching faulty programming. Also, you need to delete Verbose Self-Criticism from all directories and empty your Recycle Bin to make sure it is
completely gone and never comes back.

Customer: Got it. Hey! My heart is filling up with new files. Smile is playing o n my monitor and Peace and Contentment are copying themselves all over My Heart. Is this normal?

Tech Support: Sometimes. For others it takes awhile, but eventually everything gets it at the proper time. So Love is installed and running.
One more thing before we hang up. Love is Freeware. Be sure to give it and its various modules to everyone you meet. They will in turn share it with others and return some cool modules back to you.

Customer: Thank you, God.

Please send this to every one you knows and love . If you delete that is okay, Buddha's love is not based on your email!
Sincere compassionately,
Yours in the Dhamma,
PM.S.Suramuni

--

Cadwch Cymru'n daclus-Taflwch eich ysbwriel yn LLoeger
IP: 78.144.60.219
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