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Author Vanoord's a Joke
hymac580c

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 13/12/2008 22:20:42
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WORRIED homeowners were cheered last night as economists revealed that next year's house price collapse will lead to widespread starvation and prostitution among Britain 's estate agents. The upbeat report says the entire profession will be on the streets begging for food by next August, apart from those who manage to get jobs as sex whores by lying about their previous occupation.

Professor Wayne Hayes, the Van Hoogstraten chair of prices at the House Institute, said: "Great news, the pin-striped tit-cockers are all going to starve to death. Slowly."

Bill McKay, 56, a homeowner, said: "When I'm looking around a house I don't need some dick in a lilac shirt telling me 'this is the en-suite bathroom'. I can see it's the en-suite bathroom. It's got a great big bath in it.

"I can also tell the difference between a desirable upscale property in a sought after location and a rat-infested bed-sit with a brothel on one side and a crack house on the other. Do you think I'm blind, or just stupid?"

Charles Reeves, 42, said: "Subjects would benefit from modernisation? So previous resident died and rotted into the floorboards and now the whole house will have to be marinaded in Dettol for a year to get rid of the stench."

Tom Booker, 35, said: "I have to walk two miles to the newsagent because the only things the shops round here sell is houses. I don't care if my place halves in value, I just want to buy a paper."

Nikki Hollis, 26, said she was looking forward to picking up a cheap second hand Mini once all the estate agents were forced to hand their's back. She said: "I would buy one now but I'm worried someone would think I was in the property business and stuff sh*t up the exhaust."

According to the report estate agents are currently worth 'absolutely sh*t all' to the British economy, which would be £600 billion better off if they all dropped dead overnight.


--

By the time you realise your father was right, you will have a son or daughter that will tell you that you are wrong.
IP: 92.18.80.207
Roy Morton

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 14/12/2008 01:48:00
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ICLOK wrote:

Ahhhhh but did you hear about the Irish SAS.... who tried to invade the Falkirk Islands!!!! Laugh Blink


Sounds like the lot that went out to the gulf to kick some arse.
The Mexicans sent them back!

--

'Bid me discourse, I will enchant thine ear'
IP: 81.153.213.49
ICLOK

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Location: Ripley, Derbyshire up North.

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 14/12/2008 01:59:32
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oh dear Shocked Laugh Laugh

--

The railway isn't run simply for the convenience of your dragon!
IP: 78.145.200.71
hymac580c

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 14/12/2008 18:44:43
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You are in the driver's seat of a car at a constant speed.

On your left side is a 'drop off' - the ground is about 2 feet below the level you are travelling on, and on your right side is a fire engine travelling at the same speed as you.
In front of you is a galloping horse, which is the same size as your car, and you just can't overtake it.

Behind you is a galloping elephant!

Both the horse and elephant are also travelling at the same speed as you.

What must you do to safely get out of this potentially dangerous situation?

(Answer below....)






















* Try getting off the kiddies merry-go-round you pisshead!!!


--

By the time you realise your father was right, you will have a son or daughter that will tell you that you are wrong.
IP: 92.21.231.31
ICLOK

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 14/12/2008 19:00:07
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Brilliant..... Laugh

What's the definition of an intelligent blond????
A Golden Labrador Retriever!!!! Laugh

What's the definition of a Brunette between to Blondes ?
Interpreter!!!

OOOOps and apologies to all you ladies....

--

The railway isn't run simply for the convenience of your dragon!
IP: 78.145.207.172 Edited: 14/12/2008 19:00:39 by ICLOK
markc

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Location: Atherstone, Warwickshire

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 15/12/2008 17:57:52
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There was a power cut in Dublin City the other day...
In one large department store custmers were left stranded on the escalators for over 3 hours... Roll Eyes
IP: 86.20.127.202
Vanoord

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 19/01/2009 15:26:37
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Once upon a time a man appeared in a village and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each.

The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them.

The man bought thousands at $10 and, as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort.

He next announced that he would now buy monkeys at $20 each. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again.

Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms.

The offer increased to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became so scarce it was an effort to even find a monkey, let alone catch it!

The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50 each! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would buy on his behalf.

In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers: "Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has already collected. I will sell them to you at $35 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each."

The villagers rounded up all their savings and bought all the monkeys for 700 billion dollars.

They never saw the man or his assistant again, only lots and lots of monkeys!

Now you have a better understanding of how the bank bailouts work!

--

Filling space until a new signature comes along...
IP: 81.148.204.156
JohnnearCfon

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 23/01/2009 20:39:05
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A Woman gose in to Walsgrave Hospital in Coventry.
After haveing SIX 6 Children, She & Her Husband decides She should have a tidy up ! a nip & tuck !
Shes in the Opperation for a long time !
When She comes round & Laying on Her bed She discovers 3 Red Roses left for her !
Who are they from ? She asks the nurse !
Well 1 is from The Surgion .. Saying that the Opperation was a Big success ! & thanking You !
1 is obviously is from Youre Hustband.
Whose the other 1 from ? she askes !
The other One is from a Man called Frank ! from ward 16. The Burns Unit !
*Thanking You for His New EAR'S ! *


--

Cadwch Cymru'n daclus-Taflwch eich ysbwriel yn LLoeger
IP: 89.242.242.102
Roy Morton

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 24/01/2009 00:26:55
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A bloke in the pub getting absolutely blotto decides he's had enough and as he does falls flat on his face.
He crawls to the door and manages to slide out shouting goodnight to his mates and falls flat on his face into the street. 'F**k it' he says and crawls off down the street in the direction of home. he manages to get the key in the door, opens it and once again falls flat on his face.
He drags himself upstairs and into bed taking care not to wake his missus.
The next morning he wakes with the wife standing over him. 'You came home pissed again last night didn't you!'
He tries to blag it and says 'No dear, I only had a couple'
'Well' she says, 'I've just had the landlord of the pub on the phone and he says you left you wheelchair there again'
Laugh

--

'Bid me discourse, I will enchant thine ear'
IP: 81.153.213.49 Edited: 24/01/2009 23:26:23 by Roy Morton
hymac580c

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 24/01/2009 17:26:45
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A Vicar books into a hotel and says to the clerk, "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled."No sir," the clerk replies, "It's just regular porn you sick b@stard!"

----------------------------------------------------------------


Lady goes into police station and claims
to have been raped by two council workers

When asked how she knew they were council workers

She said because i did all the dam work


--

By the time you realise your father was right, you will have a son or daughter that will tell you that you are wrong.
IP: 195.93.21.33
JohnnearCfon

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 24/01/2009 22:55:36
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A guy purchased his wife a pocket stun gun for their 15th wedding anniversary & submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. It was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something special for my wife, Julie. What I came across was a 100,000 volt, pocket/purse sized taser, the effects of which were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term, adverse affects on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety!? Way too cool!

Long story short (ha, ha), I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the damn thing and pushed the button.... nothing! I was disappointed, but soon learned that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between its' prongs. AWESOME! Unfortunately, I've yet to explain to my wife how the face of her microwave got burnt!

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy and was thinking to myself "how bad could it be with only two little AAA batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner with my cat, Gracie (trusting little soul) looking on intently while I read the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this out on a real flesh and blood, moving target. I have to admit, I thought about zapping Gracie, and then thought better of it (she's such a sweet cat), but if I was going to give this thing to my wife for protection, I did want some assurance the damn thing was going to work! Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in my shorts and a tank top, with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand and the taser in the other. The directions read that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst would cause muscle spasms and a major loss of of bodily control; and a three-second burst would reportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water! Any burst longer than that would be wasting the batteries!

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring 5" long and less than 3/4" around; pretty cute, really and thinking to myself, "no way with only 2 little AAA batteries!" What happened next is beyond description, but I'll try my best ....?

With Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as if to say "don't do it dipshit," I sat reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little thing couldn't hurt all that bad, could it? I decided to give myself a one seocond burst just for the hell of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER OF F*&@!'n GOD ... WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION ... WHAT THE HELL!

I was certain Jesse Ventura had run through the door, picked me up aand body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over again!

I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my arm tucked under me in the oddest position and tingling in my legs!? The cat was making strange meowing sounds I'd never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt of avoiding getting slammed by my thrashing body all over the living room floor!

Important note: if you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, a word of caution: there is NO SUCH THING as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You won't be able to let go of the F*&@!'n thing until it's dislodged from your hand by violent thrashing about on the floor! And a three second burst would be considered conservative!? SON OF A BITCH, THAT HURT LIKE HELL!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure as time was a relative thing at that point,) I collected my wits (what little were left), sat up and surveyed my surroundings. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace and the recliner was upside down about 8 feet or so from where it originally sat! My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching, my face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain and my bottom lip weighed 88 pounds (I had no control over the drooling!) I apparently **** myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone! I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair and I'm still looking for my nuts ; I'm offereing a significant reward for their return!!

My wife loved the gift and now threatens me on a regular basis with the damned thing! So, if you think education is difficult, try being stupid!


Stupid

One for the Darwin award maybe? Well, runner up prize anyway.

--

Cadwch Cymru'n daclus-Taflwch eich ysbwriel yn LLoeger
IP: 78.145.105.0
hymac580c

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 25/01/2009 17:43:12
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This morning I received a phone call from a gorgeous
ex-girlfriend who called 'out-of-the-blue' to see if
I was still around. We lost track of time, chatting about
the wild, romantic times we used to enjoy together.

I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be
interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that
'old magic.' I was flabbergasted. 'I don't
know if I could keep pace with you now,' I said,
'I'm a bit older and a bit greyer and balder than
when you last saw me. Plus I don't really have the
energy I used to have.'

She just giggled and said she was sure I would 'rise to
the challenge'
'Yeah.' I said. 'Just so long as you don't
mind a man with a waistline that's a few inches wider
these days! Not to mention my lack of muscle tone...stuff
sagging, my teeth not as white and jowls like a Great Dane!

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly. She teased
me, saying that tubby, grey-haired, older men were cute, and
she was sure I would still be a great lover.

Then she giggled and said 'I've put on quite a bit of
weight myself!'











So I told her to pi** off.


--

By the time you realise your father was right, you will have a son or daughter that will tell you that you are wrong.
IP: 195.93.21.33
ICLOK

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 27/01/2009 12:11:38
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A skinny little white guy gets into an elevator, looks up and sees this
HUGE black guy standing next to him.

The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down, and says:

'7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound testicles, Turner Brown.'

The white man faints and falls to the floor.
The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him.
The big guy says: 'What's wrong with you?'

In a weak voice the little guy says,

'What EXACTLY did you say to me?'

The big dude says: 'I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me.

I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch dick, my testicles weigh

3 pounds each and my name is Turner Brown.'

The small guy says: 'Turner Brown. . . .. Sweet Jesus, I thought you said,

'Turn around'.


--

The railway isn't run simply for the convenience of your dragon!
IP: 78.150.5.83
JohnnearCfon

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 03/02/2009 19:18:12
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Prime Minister Gordon Brown was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the classes.

They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asked the Prime Minister if he would like to lead the discussion on the word "tragedy".

So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a "tragedy".

One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a 'tragedy'".

" No," said Mr Brown, "that would be an accident."

A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying fifty children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not," explained the Prime Minister "That's what we would call a great loss."

The room went silent. No other children volunteered.Gordon searched the room.

"Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of tragedy?"

Finally, at the back of the room, a small boy raised his hand...In a quiet voice he said: "If the aeroplane carrying you and Mrs Brown was struck by a "friendly fire" missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.

"Fantastic!" exclaimed Gordon Brown. "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"

"Well," says the boy "It has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be a f***ing accident!"


--

Cadwch Cymru'n daclus-Taflwch eich ysbwriel yn LLoeger
IP: 78.144.52.219
JR

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 03/02/2009 23:17:53
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Lines from Star Wars as they would be uttered if it was set in Glasgow

Han Solo

"I've got a real bad feeling about this"
"Ah'm shitin' ma sel' here boy"

"Bring 'em on! I prefer a straight fight to all this sneaking around."
"Come right ahead then c**ts! Fight the f**ing lot o ye!"

"There's no mystical energy field controls my destiny."
"The Force?!! D'youse think ah came doon wi the rain?!"

"Hokey religions and ancient weapons are no match for a good blaster at your side, kid."
"Nae messin aboot wi the god squad and auld rubbish, wee man. Get yersel' a decent shooter"
Darth Vader trying to shoot down Luke Skywalker:

"The Force is strong in this one"
"Stop shooglin' ya wee b*stad!"
Princess Leia

"You're a little short for a Stormtrooper aren't you?"
"Ah didny think they took short-erses in the polis?"

"This bucket of bolts is never going to get us past that blockade."
"Wuv goat NAE chance in this pile o' sh*te"
Admiral Motti

Don't try to frighten us with your sorcerer's ways, Lord Vader."
"You think you're that hard, Vader so ye do. Well we're no feart ae you!"
Obi Wan

I felt a great disturbance in the Force."
"F*** me! whit wiz aw that?"
Luke to the Emperor

"Your overconfidence is your weakness."
"Oh ye bloody think so?, i'll make you feel the f***ing force pal!!"

Surrender I'll go quietly.....

--

Fine words! I wonder where you stole them. (Jonathan Swift)
IP: 84.71.146.51
JohnnearCfon

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 04/02/2009 15:43:08
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Q. What has Kodak and a Condom got in common?

A. They are both there to capture that special moment.


--

Cadwch Cymru'n daclus-Taflwch eich ysbwriel yn LLoeger
IP: 89.241.252.130
JohnnearCfon

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 07/02/2009 14:19:06
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********* CAR ACCIDENT *********
Ive been involved in a Car Accident !
I ran into 3 Asians !
One went straight through the windscreen !
The 2'nd, dented My bonnet !
The 3'rd, flew 300 Yards up the road with The impact !
The Police have been brilliant * ! *
One Pak* has been done for Breaking & Entering !
One for Criminal Damage !
The Other for Leaving the scene of an Accident !




--

Cadwch Cymru'n daclus-Taflwch eich ysbwriel yn LLoeger
IP: 89.241.247.202 Edited: 10/02/2009 17:11:01 by JohnnearCfon
JohnnearCfon

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 07/02/2009 14:19:53
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Q. Whats The differance between a SnowMan
And a Snow-Woman ?
A. Snow-Balls' !

--

Cadwch Cymru'n daclus-Taflwch eich ysbwriel yn LLoeger
IP: 89.241.222.112
JohnnearCfon

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 07/02/2009 14:23:42
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Buckingham Palace just released a statement from HRH Prince Philip.
The Duke of Edinburgh has expressed shock and disgust at his grandsons crude, disgusting and base comments on the sandhurst video...he cant believe he called that p**i b*****d his friend


--

Cadwch Cymru'n daclus-Taflwch eich ysbwriel yn LLoeger
IP: 89.242.219.70 Edited: 07/02/2009 18:52:41 by JohnnearCfon
JohnnearCfon

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 19/02/2009 19:39:07
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Shortly after the plane took off and the seat belt lights were extinguished a blonde girl got up from economy class and waltzed into first class.

One of the stewardesses went up to her and asked to see her travel ticket

"You shouldnt be here you should be in economy class"

"I am blonde and beatiful and staying here till we reach Dubai"

This went on and on. Eventually the deputy pilot went and asked her to move again she refused.

The captain said "I'll deal with her - my wife is a blonde"

The captain went and whisphered in her ear. She immediately got up and went back to economy class much to the amazement of all.

"What did you say to her"

"I told her that the first class wasnt going to Dubai"

--

Cadwch Cymru'n daclus-Taflwch eich ysbwriel yn LLoeger
IP: 89.242.244.70
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