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Author Vanoord's a Joke
LAP

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Joined: 04/02/2007
Location: Somewhere between Carnforth/Carn-Ffyrdd, and Milnthorpe.

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 05/08/2008 23:40:30
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JohnnearCfon wrote:

[web link]

What a silly woman!


ych! she learnt her lesson!


[web link]

I can't stop watching this!

--

Anocht a théam sa bhearna bhaoil Le gean ar Ghaeil, chun báis nó saoil Le gunnascréach, fé lámhach na bpiléar Seo libh canaídh Amhrán na bhFiann.
IP: 84.71.253.197 Edited: 05/08/2008 23:41:18 by LAP
Roy Morton

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Joined: 09/10/2007
Location: Redruth Cornwall

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 26/08/2008 03:52:00
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A lorry load of barbed wire and timber posts arrived at the birdsnest stadium in Beijing. It turned out to be the Irish fencing team Shocked Laugh

--

'Bid me discourse, I will enchant thine ear'
IP: 88.104.139.165
Captain Scarlet

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Joined: 07/03/2007
Location: The Cumbrian Underground

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 27/08/2008 12:46:13
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A lawyer and a blonde woman are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists, that the game is a lot of fun. "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5; you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500."

This catches the blonde's attention; and, to keep him quiet, she agrees to play the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer uses his laptop, searches all references. He uses the Airphone; he searches the Net and even the Library of Congress. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail.

After one hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde takes the $500 and goes back to sleep.

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes her up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"

The blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.

--

Know Everything ...... Say Nothing
IP: 195.8.188.42
Vanoord

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Joined: 28/11/2005
Location: North Wales

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 30/08/2008 13:09:39
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Strange website addresses:

1. A site called ‘Who Represents‘ where you can find the name of the agent that represents a celebrity. Their domain name… wait for it… is
www.whorepresents.com

2. Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at
www.expertsexchange.com

3. Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island at
www.penisland.net

4. Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at
www.therapistfinder.com

5. Then of course, there’s the Italian Power Generator company…
www.powergenitalia.com

6. And now, we have the Mole Station Native Nursery, based in New South Wales:
www.molestationnursery.com

7. If you’re looking for computer software, there’s always
www.ipanywhere.com

9. Then, of course, there’s these brainless art designers, and their whacky website:
www.speedofart.com

10. Want to holiday in Lake Tahoe? Try their brochure website at
www.gotahoe.com

--

Filling space until a new signature comes along...
IP: 81.139.116.24
Wenders

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Joined: 30/06/2007
Location: On the computer

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 16/10/2008 18:25:20
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I got stopped by a copper while i was going along the m6 i stopped opened the window and he said this is a spot check so i replied i've got 2 blackheads and a boil on my a**

Laugh Laugh Laugh Laugh Laugh Laugh Laugh Laugh Laugh Laugh Laugh

--

'All I want is a lie-in'
IP: 82.12.203.54 Edited: 16/10/2008 22:32:24 by Wenders
toadstone

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Joined: 10/09/2007
Location: Father's Dwelling, Big Low

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 18/10/2008 10:07:54
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Blow me, it must have been the same copper that stopped me last night, only he changed his delivery line not wishing to be caught out twice.
"Just a routine check sir" At which point I opened the glove box got my cheque book and pen out.
"And who should I make the cheque out to Constable?"

Stupid
IP: 86.155.76.90
hymac580c

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Joined: 28/05/2007
Location: Blaenau Ffestiniog

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 18/10/2008 13:48:14
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A farmer and his dog at a sheepdog trials at Cwm Erstalwm.
The farmer kept shouting at the dog 'come by' (go left).
The dog took no notice of the farmer and kept going straight on.
A spectator shouted at the farmer 'you'd better tell your dog to 'come home'.

--

By the time you realise your father was right, you will have a son or daughter that will tell you that you are wrong.
IP: 92.1.62.184
Wenders

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Joined: 30/06/2007
Location: On the computer

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 18/10/2008 13:48:52
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Man gets caught speeding, police pull him over and as the police man approaches the car the driver leans across and smacks his dog, in the passenger seat, over the nose!

Policeman:"I saw that, not only am i going to charge you with speeding but, i wll be reporting you to the RSPCA"

Driver: "You would have done the same to your dog if he did what mine just did"

Policeman: "Why what did it do?"

Driver: "It only went and ate my tax disc"

Laugh Laugh Laugh Laugh Laugh Laugh Laugh Laugh

--

Ill pick myself up, dust myself down and start all over again : )
IP: 194.217.45.110
Redwinch

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Joined: 14/06/2008
Location: Yorkshire

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 13/11/2008 11:41:15
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Anyone recognise this mine? or should it be Pit (of depression)
Big Grin
IP: 86.129.5.218
carnkie

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Joined: 07/09/2007
Location: camborne, cornwall

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 13/11/2008 11:46:00
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Recently seen sign:

Free bungee jumps for politicians - no strings attached.

--

The past is a foreign country: they do things differently there.
IP: 79.66.229.78
ICLOK

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Joined: 19/02/2008
Location: Ripley, Derbyshire up North.

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 25/11/2008 23:51:48
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I was in M & S the other day Christmas shopping and a blind guy walked in with his guide dog. He tapped around the store huffing and puffing obviously getting more and more frustrated then right in front of me picked up the dog by its tail and swung it around his head in a circle.
Well I like dogs and was quite upset so I shouted "What the hell are you doing?"

"HAVING A LOOK ROUND!" came back the reply! Roll Eyes

--

The railway isn't run simply for the convenience of your dragon!
IP: 89.241.235.74
carnkie

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Joined: 07/09/2007
Location: camborne, cornwall

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 26/11/2008 00:08:34
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Subject: Letter to the bank

Here follows a letter that might have been sent to a bank
recently by a customer!


Dear Sirs,
In view of what seems to be happening internationally with
banks at the moment, I was wondering if you could advise me correctly...
If one of my cheques is returned marked 'insufficient
funds,' how do I know whether that refers to me, or to
you?


--

The past is a foreign country: they do things differently there.
IP: 79.74.147.49
Captain Scarlet

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Joined: 07/03/2007
Location: The Cumbrian Underground

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 02/12/2008 07:56:16
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The marriage
A man met a beautiful blonde lady and decided he wanted to marry her right away.

She said, 'But we don't know anything about each other.'

He said, 'That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along.'

So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoon at a very nice resort.

One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 metre board and did a two and a half tuck, followed by three rotations in the pike position, at which point he straightened out and cut the water like a knife.

After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.

She said, 'That was incredible!'

He said, 'I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along.'

So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing lengths.

After seventy-five lengths she climbed out of the pool, lay down on her towel and was hardly out of breath.

He said, 'That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?'

'No,' she said, 'I was a prostitute in Liverpool but I worked both sides of the Mersey.

--

Thru Metamorphic Rocks
IP: 195.8.188.42
carnkie

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Joined: 07/09/2007
Location: camborne, cornwall

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 12/12/2008 20:27:15
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Stutterers' Action Group
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > A very pretty young speech therapist was getting
> nowhere with her Stammerers Action group. She had tried every technique in the book without the slightest success.
> >
> >
> > Finally, thoroughly exasperated, she said "If any
> of you can tell me the name of the town where you were born, without stuttering, I will have wild and passionate sex with you until your muscles ache and your eyes water. So, who wants to go first ?"
> >
> > The Englishman piped up.
> "B-b-b-b-b-b-b-irmingham", he said.
> >
> > "That's no use, Trevor" said the speech
> therapist, "Who's next ?"
> >
> > The Scotsman raised his hand and blurted out
> "P-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-
> > aisley".
> >
> > That's no better. There'll be no sex for you,
> I'm afraid, Hamish.
> >
> > How about you, Paddy ?
> >
> > The Irishman took a deep breath and eventually blurted
> out " London".
> >
> > Brilliant, Paddy! said the speech therapist and
> immediately set about living up to her promise.
> >
> > After 15 minutes of exceptionally steamy sex, the
> couple paused for breath and Paddy said
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > "-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-erry".
>
>
>


--

The past is a foreign country: they do things differently there.
IP: 79.66.245.251 Edited: 12/12/2008 20:28:12 by carnkie
ICLOK

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Joined: 19/02/2008
Location: Ripley, Derbyshire up North.

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 12/12/2008 22:13:18
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10 out of 10 Thumbs Up

--

The railway isn't run simply for the convenience of your dragon!
IP: 78.145.220.151
Roy Morton

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Joined: 09/10/2007
Location: Redruth Cornwall

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 13/12/2008 00:43:38
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THREE GOODUN'S


Two Irish hunters got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose.
They managed to bag 6.
As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane
could take only 4 moose.
The two lads objected strongly. "Last year we shot six. The pilot let
us take them all and he had the same plane as yours."
Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded.
However, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load
and went down.
Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, Paddy and Mick survived the
crash.
After climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick, "Any idea where
we are?"

Mick replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last
year."
Laugh Laugh Laugh
-------------------------------------------------------


Paddy is serving on an anti-aircraft battery in the Pacific in WW2 when he sees a Japanese plane flying towards him with the pilot waving a sword in the air screaming "Banzai! Banzai! Kamikaze!"
Paddy turns to his mate and says "Silly ****** will kill himself flying like that."
----------------------------------------------------------


Old man Murphy had worked down at the brewery for years, but one day, he just wasn't paying attention and he tripped on the walkway and fell over into the beer vat and drowned.
The foreman thought it should be his job to inform the widow Murphy of her old man's death. He showed up at the front door and rang the bell. When she came to the door, he said, "I'm sorry to tell you, but poor old Murphy passed away at work today when he fell into the vat and drowned."
She wept and covered her face with her apron and after a time, between sobs, she asked, "Tell me, did he suffer?"
"I don't think so," said the foreman: "He got out three times to go to the toilet.
Shocked Shocked Shocked

--

'Bid me discourse, I will enchant thine ear'
IP: 81.153.213.49 Edited: 13/12/2008 00:52:44 by Roy Morton
ICLOK

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Joined: 19/02/2008
Location: Ripley, Derbyshire up North.

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 13/12/2008 12:00:32
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Roy... Very good! Laugh Laugh Laugh

Did you hear about the Irish Sea Scout.... His tent sank!

--

The railway isn't run simply for the convenience of your dragon!
IP: 78.150.3.240
Roy Morton

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Joined: 09/10/2007
Location: Redruth Cornwall

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 13/12/2008 19:16:07
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Ian.....excellent.

I heard the other day that an old document had been discovered dating back to the days of the crusades. The parchment describes how a large army of men from Ireland marched on Yorkshire to rid them of the Moors....! Shocked

--

'Bid me discourse, I will enchant thine ear'
IP: 81.153.213.49
ICLOK

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Joined: 19/02/2008
Location: Ripley, Derbyshire up North.

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 13/12/2008 20:18:44
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Ahhhhh but did you hear about the Irish SAS.... who tried to invade the Falkirk Islands!!!! Laugh Blink

--

The railway isn't run simply for the convenience of your dragon!
IP: 78.145.200.71
Mr.C

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Joined: 23/03/2008
Location: North Staffordshire

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 13/12/2008 20:25:01
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ICLOK wrote:

Ahhhhh but did you hear about the Irish SAS.... who tried to invade the Falkirk Islands!!!! Laugh Blink

That'll be the same lot who broke into Dublin zoo, killed the gorillas & released the ostritches.

--

If things dunner change - the'll stop as the' are.
IP: 91.110.108.155
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