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Author Vanoord's a Joke
hymac580c

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Joined: 28/05/2007
Location: Blaenau Ffestiniog

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 27/04/2008 09:26:21
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THE HORTH WHITHPERER



A guy calls his buddy, the horse rancher, and says he's
sending a friend over to look at a horse.

His buddy asks, 'How will I recognize him?'

'That's easy; he's a midget with a speech impediment.'

So, the midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he's
looking for a male or female horse.
'A female horth.'

So he shows him a prized filly.

'Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth'?

So the guy picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes
the once over.

'Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth'?

So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the
horse's ears.

'Nith earzth, can I see her mouf'?

The rancher is getting pretty ticked off by this point, but
he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.

'Nice mouf, can I see her ****'?

Totally mad as fire at this point, the rancher grabs him
under his arms and rams the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's
*****, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.

The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.
'Perhapth I should rephrase that.
Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit'?

Shocked

--

Art thou a figment of mine imagination? Or be I one of thine?
IP: 172.159.191.15
Lister

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 27/04/2008 09:42:07
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DIVORCE VS. MURDER

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, 'I would like to buy some cyanide.'


The pharmacist asked, 'Why in the world do you need cyanide?'

The lady replied, 'I need it to poison my husband.'

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, 'Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!'

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, 'Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription.'
IP: 82.27.111.52
Vanoord

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Location: North Wales

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 30/04/2008 18:22:05
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Keep this philosophy in mind the next time you either hear or are about to repeat a rumour.

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom.

One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance who ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."

"Triple filter?" asked the acquaintance.

"That's right," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my student let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"

"No," the man said, "actually I just heard about it."

"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?"

"No, on the contrary ...".

"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him, even though you're not certain it's true?".

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued." You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter - the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"

"No, not really..."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?"

The man was defeated and ashamed. This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem. It also explains why he never found out that Plato was ******** his wife.

--

Filling space until a new signature comes along...
IP: 81.148.139.224
stevem

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 01/05/2008 09:28:24
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Rubels going cheap Sad Sad Sad

--

May the fleas of a thousand camels infest the crotch of the person who screws up your day and may their arms be too short to scratch.
IP: 192.171.196.149
Captain Scarlet

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 01/05/2008 10:01:07
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stevem wrote:

Rubels going cheap Sad Sad Sad


Anyone know how to repair a Sat Nav ? Mine reckons Liverpool is in europe Laugh

--

The Colonel says : National service will be the making of our youth, but it will ruin the army !
IP: 195.8.188.42
stevem

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 01/05/2008 11:08:46
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Not one to take the p**s out of my own team but I did hear this the other day....

What ship will never come to Liverpool
..
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.
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.
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.
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The PremierShip Angry

--

May the fleas of a thousand camels infest the crotch of the person who screws up your day and may their arms be too short to scratch.
IP: 192.171.196.149
Vanoord

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 01/05/2008 12:40:21
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Please stop it, people, I don't think I can take any more Sad

--

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stevem

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 01/05/2008 13:59:32
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Apparently Frank Lampard didn't want Drogba at his mums funeral. He was worried that he might dive in the box
Surrender

--

May the fleas of a thousand camels infest the crotch of the person who screws up your day and may their arms be too short to scratch.
IP: 192.171.196.149
Vanoord

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 01/05/2008 17:03:50
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A man walks into a fish and chip shop with a fish
under his arm. "Do you have any fishcakes?" he asks.
"Yes, of course," says the fish shop owner.

"Great," replies the man, nodding at the fish under
his arm, "It's his birthday."

--

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Vanoord

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 02/05/2008 12:46:05
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Summer Classes for Men at
THE ADULT LEARNING CENTRE

REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED
by Friday, May 9th 2008
NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM

Class 1
How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays--Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 2
The Toilet Paper Roll--Does It Change Itself?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3
Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub?--Group Practice.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor--Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5
Dinner Dishes--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM

Class 6
Loss Of Identity--Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other.
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

Class 7
Learning How To Find Things--Starting With Looking In The Right Places And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming.
Open Forum
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8
Health Watch--Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health
Graphics and Audio Tapes.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9
Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost--Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined

Class 10
Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks?
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturdays noon, 2 hours.

Class 11
Learning to Live--Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife.
Online Classes and role-playing
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

Class 12
How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion
Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 13
How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy--Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late.
Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 14
The Stove/Oven--What It Is and How It Is Used.
Live Demonstration.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.
Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.

--

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IP: 81.148.139.224
ICLOK

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Joined: 19/02/2008
Location: Ripley, Derbyshire up North.

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 02/05/2008 19:50:13
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Can I book 2 places please.... Me and my son! Sounds excellent... Shocked

--

In Space no one can eat ice scream
IP: 89.241.176.224
Captain Scarlet

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 08/05/2008 16:21:33
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Three men were waiting at Heaven's Gate. St. Peter says, "Okay, guys, pretty much anything goes up here, but whatever you do, never lie, or you will spend the rest of eternity with the ugliest women in the universe."

So they all agree and are admitted in. The first guy makes it a week before he lies about how rich he was on Earth. Bam! Right at his side appears the ugliest woman he had ever seen.

The second guy makes it another couple weeks before he lies about how smart he is. Bam! At his side appears the second ugliest woman in the universe.

So the first two guys are walking around with their monsters of women when they see their third friend walking with the hottest woman ever conceived by man. The first two guys say in unison, "How did you end with that babe when we get stuck with these nasty women?"

He nudges the babe and says, "Tell them."

She says to the first two guys, "I lied."


--

The Colonel says : National service will be the making of our youth, but it will ruin the army !
IP: 195.8.188.42
JohnnearCfon

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 26/05/2008 22:49:43
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Q. What has Kodak and a Condom got in common?

A. They are both there to capture that special moment.



--

Cadwch Cymru'n daclus-Taflwch eich ysbwriel yn LLoeger
IP: 89.242.47.82 Edited: 26/05/2008 22:55:17 by JohnnearCfon
JohnnearCfon

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 26/05/2008 22:54:23
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Cinderella was now 75 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead
Prince, she happily sat upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by
from her front porch, with a cat called Alan for companionship.

One sunny afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared the Fairy Godmother.
Cinderella said "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these
years?" The Fairy Godmother replied "Well Cinderella, since you have lived
a good, wholesome life since we last met, I have decided to grant you 3
wishes. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"

Cinderella is taken aback, overjoyed and after some thoughtful consideration
and almost under her breath she uttered her first wish "I wish I was wealthy
beyond comprehension."

Instantly, her rocking chair was turned into solid gold. Cinderella was
stunned. Alan, her old faithful cat, jumped off her lap and scampered to the
edge of the porch, quivering with fear. Cinderella said "Oh thank you, Fairy
Godmother". The Fairy Godmother replied "It is the least I can do. What does
your heart wish for your second wish?"

Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said "I wish I was young and
full of the beauty of youth again".

At once, her wish having been desired, became reality, and her beautiful
youthful visage had returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had
been dormant for years and long forgotten vigour and vitality began to course
through her very soul.

Then the Fairy Godmother again spoke "You have one more wish, what shall you
have?" Cinderella looked over to the frightened cat in the corner and said
"I wish you to transform Alan my old cat into a beautiful and handsome young
man".

Magically, Alan suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological
make-up, that when complete he stood before her, a boy, so beautiful the like
of which she nor the world had ever seen, so fair indeed that birds begun to
fall from the sky at his feet. The Fairy Godmother again spoke
"Congratulations, Cinderella. Enjoy your new life." And, with a blazing shock
of bright blue electricity,she was gone.

For a few eerie moments, Alan and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes.
Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most stunningly perfect boy she had
ever seen. Then Alan walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her
rocking chair, and held her close in his young muscular arms.

He leant in close to her ear, and into her ear breathed as much as whispered,
blowing her golden hair with his warm breath, "I bet you regret having my
bollocks chopped off now, don't you?"



--

Cadwch Cymru'n daclus-Taflwch eich ysbwriel yn LLoeger
IP: 89.242.47.82
LAP

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 26/05/2008 23:14:26
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hehe

--

Should Cumbria have independance from the rest of England?
IP: 84.68.251.70
JohnnearCfon

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 26/05/2008 23:17:58
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A husband and wife decided they needed to use "a code" to indicate
that they wanted to have sex without letting their children in
on it. They decided on the word "typewriter."

One day the husband told his five year old daughter, "Go tell your
mommy that daddy needs to type a letter." The child told her
mom what her dad said and her mother responded, "Tell your daddy
that he can't type a letter right now because there's a red
ribbon in the typewriter." The child went back to tell her father
what mommy had said.

A few days later the mom told the daughter, "Tell daddy that he can type
that letter now." The child told her father, and then returned to her
mother and announced, "Daddy said never mind with the typewriter,
he already wrote the letter by hand."



--

Cadwch Cymru'n daclus-Taflwch eich ysbwriel yn LLoeger
IP: 89.242.47.82
JohnnearCfon

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 26/05/2008 23:25:34
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A YOUNG MAN CALLED STEVE INVITED HIS MOTHER FOR DINNER. DURING THE COURSE OF THE MEAL, HIS MOTHER COULDN'T HELP BUT NOTICE HOW HANDSOME STEVE'S
FLATMATE WAS. SHE HAD LONG BEEN SUSPICIOUS OF A RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN THE TWO, AND THIS ONLY MADE HER MORE CURIOUS.

OVER THE COURSE OF THE EVENING, WHILE WATCHING THE TWO INTERACT, SHE STARTED TO WONDER IF THERE WAS MORE BETWEEN STEVE AND HIS FLATMATE THAN MET THE EYE.

READING HIS MUM'S THOUGHTS, STEVE VOLUNTEERED, "I KNOW WHAT YOU MUST BE THINKING, BUT I ASSURE YOU, SIMON & I ARE JUST FLATMATES".

ABOUT A WEEK LATER, SIMON CAME TO STEVE SAYING, "EVER SINCE YOUR MOTHER CAME TO DINNER, I'VE BEEN UNABLE TO FIND THE FRYING PAN, YOU DON'T SUPPOSE SHE TOOK IT DO YOU?" "WELL, I DOUBT IT, BUT I'LL E-MAIL HER JUST TO BE SURE," SAID STEVE,

SO HE SAT DOWN AND WROTE:

DEAR MOTHER, I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DID" TAKE THE FRYING PAN FROM MY HOUSE, I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DID NOT" TAKE THE FRYING PAN, BUT THE FACT
REMAINS THAT IT HAS BEEN MISSING EVER SINCE YOU WERE HERE FOR DINNER.

LOVE STEVE

SEVERAL DAYS LATER, STEVE RECEIVED AN E-MAIL FROM HIS MOTHER WHICH READ:

DEAR SON, I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DO" SLEEP WITH SIMON, AND I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DO NOT" SLEEP WITH SIMON, BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IF HE WAS
SLEEPING IN HIS OWN BED, HE WOULD HAVE FOUND THE FRYING PAN BY NOW.

LOVE MUM


--

Cadwch Cymru'n daclus-Taflwch eich ysbwriel yn LLoeger
IP: 89.242.47.82
ICLOK

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 27/05/2008 08:33:42
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This wasn't me.......

"It was just 2 weeks before I was to be married having been engaged after 3 years when one afternoon I went round to fetch my fiance from her parents. I rang the door bell for ages then finally the door was opened by my fiance's very attractive 18 year old younger sister - dressed in only a towel. "sorry they've just nipped out". I sat down on the sofa and turned on the TV, as I feel quite at home there. Sister comes back in the room wearing a dressing gown and a mischevious look, she lets the dressing gown fall open revealing a G-String, Bra and Stockings. I can't take my eyes off her and she knows it. She sits on the other end of the sofa in a very sexy position and starts asking me "Do I find her attractive"..... Feeling guilty for fancying her I answer her. The conversation carries on and my face is redder and redder when finally she says... "Look, nobody would ever have to know", and nods towards upstairs, "they wont be back for hours". I can't take any more and bolt out the house, I get thru the front door and the whole family are there including Fiance.... "Well done says her Dad... just testing your loyalties before you marry our daughter"... My fiance is beaming. Dad starts laughing about how I was flying out the door..... and I am laughing with them all.... Little sister apologises....etc

PROBLEM HERE IS I BOLTED OUT THE HOUSE TO FETCH MY CONDOMS FROM THE CAR!"

--

In Space no one can eat ice scream
IP: 89.242.220.48
toadstone

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 27/05/2008 10:25:26
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The professor of the Ophthalmology Depart of the university teaching hospital was retiring. So some of his students decided to commemorate the occasion by getting together to give him an unusual leaving present, but what to give?
I know said one of the students lets get one of the art students to paint a picture of a human eye with an image of the professor as a reflection in the pupil. They all agreed this was a brilliant idea. So it was the painting was completed and the day of the retirement ceremony arrived.

The time for the students contribution came and the painting was revealed in all its glory. A beautiful photo-realistic image of an eye with a head and shoulders image of the good professor reflected in the pupil.

The professor gasped in awe, stood back and turned to the audience and said. "Thank the Lord I wasn't a gynecologist!
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Clunk

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Vanoord's a Joke
Posted: 31/05/2008 00:35:29
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A guy has spent five years traveling all around the world making a documentary on Native dances. At the end of this time, he has every single native dance of every indigenous culture in the world on film. He winds up in Australia, in Alice Springs, so he pops into a pub for a well earned beer. He gets talking to one of the local Aborigines and tells him about his project.
The Aborigine asks the guy what he thought of the "Butcher Dance."
The guy's a bit confused and says, "Butcher Dance? What's that?"
"What? You no see Butcher Dance?"
"No, I've never heard of it."
"Oh mate. You crazy. How you say you film every native dance if you no see Butcher Dance?"
"Umm. I got a corroborree on film just the other week. Is that what you mean?"
"No no, not corroborree. Butcher Dance much more important than corroborree."
"Oh, well how can I see this Butcher Dance then?"
"Mate, Butcher Dance right out bush. Many days travel to go see Butcher Dance."
"Look, I've been everywhere from the forests of the Amazon, to deepest darkest Africa, to the frozen wastes of the Arctic filming these dances. Nothing will prevent me from recording this one last dance."
"OK, mate. You drive north along highway towards Darwin. After you drive 197 miles, you see dirt track veer off to left. Follow dirt track for 126 miles 'til you see big huge dead gum tree - biggest tree you ever see. Here you gotta leave the car, because much too rough for driving.
You strike out due west into setting sun. You walk 3 days 'til you hit creek. You follow this creek to Northwest. After 2 days you find where creek flows out of rocky mountains. Much too difficult to cross mountains here though. You now head south for half day 'til you see pass through mountains.
Pass very difficult and very dangerous. Take 2, maybe 3 days to get through rocky pass. When through, head northwest for 4 days 'til reach big huge rock - 20 ft high and shaped like man's head. From rock, walk due west for 2 days and you find village. Here you see Butcher Dance."
So the guy grabs his camera crew and equipment and heads out. After a couple of hours he finds the dirt track. The track is in a shocking state and he's forced to crawl along at a snails pace and so he doesn't reach the tree until dusk and he's forced to set up camp for the night.
He sets out bright and early the following morning. His spirits are high and he's excited about the prospect of capturing on film this mysterious dance which he had never heard mention of before.
True to the directions he has been given, he reaches the creek after three days and follows it for another two until they reach the rocky mountains. The merciless sun is starting to take its toll by this time and his spirits are starting to flag, but wearily he trudges on until he finds the pass through the hills - nothing will prevent him from completing his life's dream.
The mountains prove to be every bit as treacherous as their guide said and at times they almost despair of getting their bulky equipment through. But after three and a half days of back breaking effort they finally force their way clear and continue their long trek.
When they reach the huge rock, four days later, their water is running low and their feet are covered with blisters. Yet they steel themselves and head out on the last leg of their journey.
Two days later they virtually stagger into the village where the natives feed them and give them fresh water. They begin to feel like new men.
Once he's recovered enough, the guy goes before the village chief and tells him that he has come to film their Butcher Dance.
"Oh mate. Very bad you come today. Butcher Dance last night. You too late. You miss dance."
"Well, when do you hold the next dance?"
"Not 'til next year."
"Well, I've come all this way. Couldn't you just hold an extra dance for me, tonight?"
"No, no, no! Butcher Dance very holy. Only hold once a year. If hold more, gods get very angry and destroy village! You want see Butcher Dance you come back next year."
The guy is devastated, but he has no other option but to head back to civilization and back home.
The following year, he heads back to Australia and, determined not to miss out again, sets out a week earlier than last time. He is quite willing to spend a week in the village before the dance is performed in order to ensure he is present to witness it. However, right from the start things go wrong.
Heavy rains that year have turned the dirt track to mud and the car gets bogged every few miles, finally forcing them to abandon their vehicles and slog through the mud on foot almost half the distance to the tree.
They reach the creek and the mountains without any further hitch, but halfway through the ascent of the mountain they are struck by a fierce storm which rages for several days, during which they are forced to cling forlornly to the mountainside until it subsides. It would be suicide to attempt to scale the treacherous paths in the face of such savage elements.
Then, before they have traveled a mile out from the mountains, one of the crew sprains his ankle badly which slows down the rest of their journey enormously, to the rock and then the village.
Eventually, having lost all sense of how long they have been traveling, they stagger into the village at about 12:00 noon.
"The Butcher Dance!" gasps the guy. "Please don't tell me I'm too late!"
The chief recognizes him and says "No, white fella. Butcher Dance performed tonight. You come just in time."
Relieved beyond measure, the crew spends the rest of the afternoon setting up their equipment - preparing to capture the night's ritual on film as dusk falls, the natives start to cover there bodies in white paint and adorn themselves in all manner of bird's feathers and animal skins.
Once darkness has settled fully over the land, the natives form a circle around a huge roaring fire.
A deathly hush descends over performers and spectators alike as a wizened old figure with elaborate swirling designs covering his entire body enters the circle and begins to chant. Some sort of witch doctor or medicine man, figures the guy and he whispers to the chief, "What's he doing?"
"Hush," whispers the chief. "You first white man ever to see most sacred of our rituals. Must remain silent. Holy man, he asks that the spirits of the dream world watch as we demonstrate our devotion to them through our dance and, if they like our dancing, will they be so gracious as to watch over us and protect us for another year."
The chanting of the Holy man reaches a stunning crescendo before he moves himself from the circle. From somewhere the rhythmic pounding of drums booms out across the land and the natives begin to sway to the stirring rhythm.
The guy is becoming caught up in the fervor of the moment himself. This is it. He now realizes beyond all doubt that his wait has not been in vain. He is about to witness the ultimate performance of rhythm and movement ever conceived by mankind.
The chief strides to his position in the circle and, in a big booming voice, starts to sing,
He says, "You butch yer right arm in. You butch yer right arm out. You butch yer right arm in and you shake it all about..."

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